Last night, I went drinking with a certain Jon. He is tall, slim, good-looking but kind of geeky. I can tell he's a nice guy though. He was smiling the whole time and trying to make me laugh.
After a few glasses of wine, we went on Mont-Royal to watch the illuminating lights stretching endlessly into the darkness. Obviously, like any heterosexual guy, he tried to kiss me a few times and I refused.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“I’m debating whether I should kiss you or not” I replied.
“And now?” he asked, few minutes later.
“Still debating.”
I probably debated for more than two hours. I was just thinking of too many things, like whether I wanted to kiss him or not, whether I will want to see him again or not and whether he’s the kind of person who will exert power and control over me or the kind of person that will not like me because of my past. I was also thinking about my resolutions of taking better care of myself and to respect my own boundaries.
“Do you not like me?” he asked.
“It takes me a lot to like someone.” I replied.
Finally we got kicked out, so we drove near my place in new Saint-Laurent where we were surrounded by half-constructed houses. He was still trying to convince me to kiss him. In the end, I let him kiss me but in the back of my mind, I wasn’t exactly sure whether I wanted or not. I felt pressured but not quite. I was worrying that the horrific events will repeat and to not be able to break the pattern. It was a mess in my head. I just wanted to cry and I did, but that's not because I'm weak. When I were living in denial and not capable of accepting, that was weak.
I think he was shocked and asked why because he thought it was his fault. At first, I just briefly said that I didn't have a simple past to avoid getting into details. Although I’m not quite sure what are the motives behind his curiosity, I still think he has every right to know what he's getting into and I don’t want to trick him into anything either. Then he asked me a few more times, and I finally told him what happened in my late childhood and early adolescence.
He says he likes me but doesn’t a person’s past make them who they are now?...but he was probably just caught in the moment. At the end of the day, most people don't have the patience nor the strength to handle that. I got a text from him when I got home and I'm not sure if it indirectly implies that he doesn’t want to deal with that...but I have the ability to sense things before they happen.