I feel like I'm wasting my time; trapped and pressured. I don't know what I should do but I must do something about it…I can't just sit around, that's simply not me.
I hear two voices.
The first voice:
You already tried, you did what you could and you won't have any regrets. So stop being so stubborn. Look around; many people care about you. Let go. Free yourself. Hey, look at you; you're hot, sexy and no one doubts it. You deserve better; someone who sees your worth. What’s so good about him anyways?
The second voice:
Hey, you think you tried hard enough? No girl, you didn't. If you really tried hard enough, you would've gotten what you want. You know what you want and you don't give a shit about what he thinks, just because you always get what you want and he's no exception. It’s okay to lose, but it’s not okay to give up. By the way, is there a difference between perseverance and stubbornness? Really, you can choose which ever that sounds better to you. You’re the only one who knows and you’re the only one who can judge.
I’m not saying that one of them is right and the other is wrong. Honestly, I lived all my life listening to the second voice, but recently I started to give more attention to the first one. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m getting older...or maybe more mature? I’m not so stubborn anymore, at least I try not to…but I’m still a stubborn person by nature so I’m trapped between both.
I really want to follow to the first voice but the ego in me won't give up. That kind of thoughts is killing me sometimes. I'm the type of person who tend to go after things they can't get. I don’t care whether I need it or not, I just care about whether I want it or not and how bad I want it. I follow my heart and I care most about the present. I care about how happy I am right now...not how happy I were or how happy I will be; yesterday is gone and we might all die tomorrow. All I have is now. That's why I always push people, put pressure on them, especially indecisive ones, the ones who waste my time but a lot of them can’t stand that. I actually shouldn't care about them and move on with my life, but as I said....my ego is way too strong and it really takes a lot for me to give up. In fact, I don’t even know what it takes for me to give up. I hate that about me. That makes me selfish and in the end, all I do is hurting others and myself.
I know I should learn to cherish what I have and I do try very hard. I know that if I were able to let go, I’d be so much happier. I know all that, but I don't know how to change. How am I supposed to change anyways? I'm just human and I make loads of mistakes everyday...
I’m not a good person but I try to improve.
I’m selfish but I try to care.
I might be wrong but try to change.
I don't know everything but I try to find out.
I need to find out.