“What are you thinking about? That look in your eyes…I know you're thinking about someone and that person isn't me,” he said, worried.
I was lying on his chest, playing with his beard with the tip of my fingers, without a sound.
“Your eyes are like an open window to your soul. Although you laugh all the time, I can see pain from time to time,” he added. “Do you still love him?”
“I do,” I whispered. I knew that answer could mark the end, but I didn’t want to lie. From the look I saw in his eyes, I knew he wanted the truth too.
“What about me? If you love him then you should be after him. I don't understand why you're here,” he said.
“I don't know. There's no way that him and I can ever talk again. I really don't know about the future or whether I'll be able love that way again, but I do like you right now…”
“Sometimes I wonder whether I'm wasting my time…but I'm enjoying my time with you and you make me happy, so that means I'm not wasting my time,” he said, after a long pause.
“…maybe we will never see each other again after today,” I said, crying silently.
“Why? What's wrong?” he asked, shocked. “Tell me what’s wrong!”
"You say too many things when you're happy and caught in the moment. Eventually, you will have time to calm down and think clearly; you'll realize I'm so much trouble that you can easily find someone that gives you less headaches. When you say you might be wasting your time and that you have to be careful, I know that day will come sooner or later,” I said.
"Oh my god, is that why? I'm so stupid. Sorry, Elaine. That's not what I meant. My heart almost skipped a beat when you said we're not seeing each other again, geez. I’m so sorry. Of course I want to see you again," he said, trying to make me feel better.
"I want to go to the washroom,” I said, out of the blue.
“No, you’re not going to the washroom. This is the second time you cry in my arms, you really want to make me fall in love with you, eh?" he asked. He kissed my cheek, "Hmm, your tears are bittersweet...like literally. You like me, do you?”
“No!” I answered, rolling my eyes with a smile. “I need to go to the washroom!”
“I start to understand when no means yes, ha” he said. "No you’re not going to the washroom."
"I have to change my tampon."
"Oh, then please go,” he said. "Ah I see, you're just crying and all emotional because you're on your period, right? haha"
I went to the washroom, changed my tampon and decided to brush my teeth while I was there. Then he walks in, “Woman, you’re just done crying and now you decide to brush your teeth?” he said. “That’s so cute, I like you."
I like that he likes everything I do. He likes it when I always laugh for no reason, I laugh when he farts, I’m technology-retarded, I have an immigrant accent, I have a twisted philosophy, I hold his arms and look at him like a child...and I know it's not even that cute, but he likes it because he likes me. I never thought that would happen to me again. I hate myself for wanting to move on so badly and I’m scared to want him for the wrong reasons.
"You know, you're actually a very open person. The first time I saw you, I thought you would be a cold uptight bitch, but you turn out to be the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Although you don't say much, you laugh easily and you cry easily, and you show me that you care with all these little things you do for me. You make me happy,” he said.
That's when I’m convinced that the things we want the most might not necessarily make us happy. The problem with running after people you want is that it's very likely that you'll get consumed by the void of an unsatisfiable desire. It never ends and you eventually end up with nothing. I'd rather make an effort for people that are appropriate for me today. I’m grateful and I don’t want to make him the subject of any comparisons anymore. We’re great together.