What am I doing

Take a walk outside your mind
Tell me how it feels to be
The one who turns
The knife inside of me
-Aerosmith 

These days, I haven't been able to do anything. I don't even feel like putting on makeup or washing my hair. You know when your friends ask you what happened and you have to convince them that you're too much of a bitch to give a crap about him? Then you force yourself to go out and meet new people when all you actually feel like doing is staying home to sleep? Luckily, I've have been able to sleep well at least...

There are so many times I just want to call him crying and tell him I miss him...but I know clearly that it won't help in any way. There are also those times, I really hate him for wasting so much effort to make me fall for him just so I can cry to those few parting words...so caring yet so cruel. I'd rather have him tell me that he hates me and never wants to see me again.

It was a lie when I said I won't cry for him again.
I really don't know what the hell I'm doing.

良心发现

若是　能回到旧时
但愿　谁良心发现
彼此　重头再爱
错误也会早些去医

怪我　太过不智
忘记　体恤关注
强令对方配合自己　不会退一点

＊难得相爱　却没法抛弃自由
　你太自我　如何侍候　
　到底如何奉献才足够
　承认有错我不想讲借口
　承认有错你不想讲借口

　遥望并无惑星　闪过宇宙
　牵你手　靠着你　而欲语还休
　谁勉强压下对方
　彼此都不会得手　伤害够＊

自问　从前太霸道
像是　横蛮的细路
今天是现眼报
要独个去走这长路

你我　没法相处
谁有罪也不懂宽恕
强令对方配合自己　不会退一点

你我亦有无穷愿望
彼此亦只盼成全自己
而伴侣从来未设想过　私心太多

求让我再用百倍温柔
留住你　我愿意无限迁就
都不想你远走

-关智斌 钟欣桐

Nostalgia

He loved listening to his favorite radio station with the volume turned up to the max, lying on the couch, eyes closed and a glass of rum in one hand. And I would just watch him because I loved the way he looked so serene. But I also remember how I would avoid listening to that same radio station when I'm on my own because I didn't want to get attached to him...

...but now, I finally picked up his habit and learned to appreciate that. The only difference is that he's not here anymore.
I miss him.

Today is the last day

Beauties, without a past and a story, lead imagination to ride further; it attracts the readers to explore within the lines. He really liked the danger of that depth-omitted aspect but his imagination might have went so far that it lost touch with reality.

Could things have been different if I told him the truth from the beginning instead of letting my bad acting skills ruin everything? If I told him, would he have been patient and understanding enough?...but now I know that he just doesn’t care about the things I care about because he doesn't understand. I don't blame him...it's no one's fault. It's even hard for us to communicate...Without communication, there is no trust and without trust, feelings are restrained. That's one of the reasons why nothing I say ever comes out right; I don't know how to show it to him that I care.

It's funny how it's usually when someone's gone that you learn most about that person. He's way more rational than I am. To be honest, I also clearly know that we're very different and our differences didn't compensate for the lack each other. On top of that, our similarities pushed us apart. Both of us are very strong-headed; he wants to be the leader and I refuse to follow. Our needs and perceptions are different too. It takes tolerance and patience to see through these differences and similarities. He always says that I'm the one making things complicated. The truth is that I didn't make things complicated; it's our differences and similarities that did...and it's his unwillingness to tolerate and eagerness to lead that made it worst. He didn't think it was worth the effort.

Why make it so hard on yourself, right? I wonder why I did as well...

However, I'm still glad he knows what he wants and made that decision. I know he didn’t lie this time because there’s no point to keep someone content when there are no benefits in doing so anymore. His ability to take difficult decisions makes him ambitious; he knows how to get what he wants and works hard to achieve it, it’s also what attracted me to him at first. At the same time, that trait is so strong in him that it overrules everything. He's so rational and calculating that I sometimes wonder if he has a heart. I guess aging does make people become indifferent.

I told him that he can find someone better every single day and he can upgrade all the way he wants...but perfection doesn't last and even the best of the best has flaws. He can keep going after perfection but he will end up getting nothing in the end. You just have to go with your heart because there are things that can't be calculated with numbers. It confuses me how he said he likes me and made all those promises yet, he doesn't make the effort to accept who I really am. He could've at least gave me some time. I hoped he'd think about it and understand but he just thought that I didn’t respect his wishes...but I actually do. I'd beg him to stay if I didn't respect his wishes.

Ha, that reminds me of who I used to be a year ago. I used to be a lot more stubborn than that; I forced everything into the way I wanted them to be and couldn't let go of things. Things change, people improve and I did; I will continue. I hope he does too and I wish him the best.

...but I'm still pissed and hurt.
That really wasn't enough and I miss him.
Is it stupid if I want to see him again...someday at a better timing?
Is it true that everything happens for a reason?
Anyways, today is the last day I cry for him.
Bye Bye, Renan.

That's still a happy conclusion :)

♥♥♥
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best".— Marilyn Monroe

I can't sleep. It's already 5AM right now. I tried to sleep since 8PM last night...I couldn't wait to wake up for a new day.

I thought about it, cried about it, called some people to talk about it.
Now, there's nothing left to do about it.

...and you know what? I'm done with perfectionists who can't see past imperfections, expect you to act in a certain way and only care about their comfort....he doesn't accept the real person I am. He once said that I'm shallow but in reality, he's the shallow one; he likes pretty lies, he's the kind of guy who only wants all the goods about you but runs away when there's an obstacle instead of supporting you. Actions speak louder than words. He was so good with words but there wasn't one word he was able to keep. On the other hand, maybe I never said anything right but I put in much more effort than he did. I really wanted to be that sweet-tempered girl he wants me to be, but I didn't learn fast enough. I was tempted to give up but I chose to stay because I haven't gone far enough for him yet...until he finally said it's too late and left.

He's the one making my life complicated and giving me headaches.
I never complained but now...I fuckin do!
I don't take shit from anyone. Just no way.

Basically, the quote above resumes my thoughts.
Perfection doesn't last.
PS.: Suck my big fat cock and tell me you like it, Renan!

Not worth it...

Renan sent me a message. The message is actually just a few lines long but I read it over and over again. I'm still reading it. I really don't understand. Why did he have to tell me this? Why did I even tell him everything honestly just to deserve this? I never had the courage to tell anyone what hapenned to me but I still told him just because I didn't want him to think that I'm brainfucking him. He could've left without saying anything...I think I'd be so much happier. I really tried for him no matter how hard it was, I didn't complain, made resolutions, thought about giving up so many times but still sucked up the tears, took risks and carried on because I thought it was worth it. I even tried to change those things he didn't like about me; I stopped being so stubborn, tried to be more open and smile more... Did he see that? Now he's telling me that I'm not worth it...and telling me how I give him headaches.

The other day, I was in a drugstore and saw a cream for treatment of sunburns and I thought about him but my friend told me to not do such useless things. I still secretly went back to get it for him...

...but now it's useless.

I remember the first time he took me for a ride, he told me that there will be many more to come in the future. Then one day, he said that he'll bring me to his secret place somewhere in the north....All lies...why did he lie to me? He already had all the fun he wanted...so now it's over.

My dad always told me that no one will ever like me.

Everything becomes clear finally

Why does he reappears out of nowhere, as if he never disappeared, to ask me some dumb questions such as how my midterms went. If I don't hear from someone for more than a week, I fuckin move on! It is great to have him around but if he wants to leave then I won't make him stay. I've gained, I've lost and I've learned to handle that; I don't get obsessed anymore. In fact, I already started seeing other guys; nothing serious but just letting them take me out and show me a good time.

He said a lot of hurtful things today. He could have just told me that he doesn't want to see me again and that's it. I wasn't going to call him again anyways. Instead, he had to attack me saying that I'm a monster and he even put all the blame on me. He said that I fuck his mind, that I make things complicated, that I confuse him...when in fact, it's all the opposite; he's the one fucking my mind when I try to make things simple. I didn't even feel like explaining so I just answered "k fine". How can he expect me to explain when all he does is attacking me? Couldn't he at least ask me "why"?! Was he expecting me to stroke his ego by begging on my knees? Psh. I was so pissed that I almost wanted to say "Hey dude, I thought you only saw your dick, when did you become so emotional?! That's so girlish, Megan"! No but seriously, he's giving me headaches.

Finally I calmed down, wrote to him and told him things I never told anyone before and no, it's not even written anywhere on my blog. Although hurtful, I really appreciate the fact that he was brutally honest and almost poured his heart out this time. Why didn't he tell me from the beginning? Why is it always at these last moments that everything becomes clear? He can't blame me because I didn't even know if he liked me, so I only had the choice between treating him the same way he treats me which means being a bitch to him...or be a good actress, play his game and lie! I usually never ever try to justify myself but this time, I will. I do realize that there're lots of misunderstandings; it seems like we both have a different version of the same story and we all want to be the victim so we can blame the other one. I already tried so much for that guy that I think I should at least take one more step forward. To make things clear or whatever it is so that there won't be any regrets. That's all I can do.