That's still a happy conclusion :)

♥♥♥
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best".— Marilyn Monroe

I can't sleep. It's already 5AM right now. I tried to sleep since 8PM last night...I couldn't wait to wake up for a new day.

I thought about it, cried about it, called some people to talk about it.
Now, there's nothing left to do about it.

...and you know what? I'm done with perfectionists who can't see past imperfections, expect you to act in a certain way and only care about their comfort....he doesn't accept the real person I am. He once said that I'm shallow but in reality, he's the shallow one; he likes pretty lies, he's the kind of guy who only wants all the goods about you but runs away when there's an obstacle instead of supporting you. Actions speak louder than words. He was so good with words but there wasn't one word he was able to keep. On the other hand, maybe I never said anything right but I put in much more effort than he did. I really wanted to be that sweet-tempered girl he wants me to be, but I didn't learn fast enough. I was tempted to give up but I chose to stay because I haven't gone far enough for him yet...until he finally said it's too late and left.

He's the one making my life complicated and giving me headaches.
I never complained but now...I fuckin do!
I don't take shit from anyone. Just no way.

Basically, the quote above resumes my thoughts.
Perfection doesn't last.
PS.: Suck my big fat cock and tell me you like it, Renan!

Not worth it...

Renan sent me a message. The message is actually just a few lines long but I read it over and over again. I'm still reading it. I really don't understand. Why did he have to tell me this? Why did I even tell him everything honestly just to deserve this? I never had the courage to tell anyone what hapenned to me but I still told him just because I didn't want him to think that I'm brainfucking him. He could've left without saying anything...I think I'd be so much happier. I really tried for him no matter how hard it was, I didn't complain, made resolutions, thought about giving up so many times but still sucked up the tears, took risks and carried on because I thought it was worth it. I even tried to change those things he didn't like about me; I stopped being so stubborn, tried to be more open and smile more... Did he see that? Now he's telling me that I'm not worth it...and telling me how I give him headaches.

The other day, I was in a drugstore and saw a cream for treatment of sunburns and I thought about him but my friend told me to not do such useless things. I still secretly went back to get it for him...

...but now it's useless.

I remember the first time he took me for a ride, he told me that there will be many more to come in the future. Then one day, he said that he'll bring me to his secret place somewhere in the north....All lies...why did he lie to me? He already had all the fun he wanted...so now it's over.

My dad always told me that no one will ever like me.

Everything becomes clear finally

Why does he reappears out of nowhere, as if he never disappeared, to ask me some dumb questions such as how my midterms went. If I don't hear from someone for more than a week, I fuckin move on! It is great to have him around but if he wants to leave then I won't make him stay. I've gained, I've lost and I've learned to handle that; I don't get obsessed anymore. In fact, I already started seeing other guys; nothing serious but just letting them take me out and show me a good time.

He said a lot of hurtful things today. He could have just told me that he doesn't want to see me again and that's it. I wasn't going to call him again anyways. Instead, he had to attack me saying that I'm a monster and he even put all the blame on me. He said that I fuck his mind, that I make things complicated, that I confuse him...when in fact, it's all the opposite; he's the one fucking my mind when I try to make things simple. I didn't even feel like explaining so I just answered "k fine". How can he expect me to explain when all he does is attacking me? Couldn't he at least ask me "why"?! Was he expecting me to stroke his ego by begging on my knees? Psh. I was so pissed that I almost wanted to say "Hey dude, I thought you only saw your dick, when did you become so emotional?! That's so girlish, Megan"! No but seriously, he's giving me headaches.

Finally I calmed down, wrote to him and told him things I never told anyone before and no, it's not even written anywhere on my blog. Although hurtful, I really appreciate the fact that he was brutally honest and almost poured his heart out this time. Why didn't he tell me from the beginning? Why is it always at these last moments that everything becomes clear? He can't blame me because I didn't even know if he liked me, so I only had the choice between treating him the same way he treats me which means being a bitch to him...or be a good actress, play his game and lie! I usually never ever try to justify myself but this time, I will. I do realize that there're lots of misunderstandings; it seems like we both have a different version of the same story and we all want to be the victim so we can blame the other one. I already tried so much for that guy that I think I should at least take one more step forward. To make things clear or whatever it is so that there won't be any regrets. That's all I can do.

Renan is gone!

That was fast, huh?

I really don't know if it's me the problem or him.

Was there one day I was 100% happy to be with him? Was there one moment I were myself and stopped analyzing him and actually enjoyed his company? Not really. And I know I'm not the only source of the problem, I wanted to keep it simple but...he makes me feel like I have to protect myself.

I remember when I was little, I rarely cried compared to other kids but these few months, I cry to everything. I can't stop. So traumatized and scared that someone wants to screw me over. He saw me cry and he catches me when I lie. Whether he is using this to tool me around? I still don't know. It's so much pressure trying to be open and at the same time, to be careful not to fall in a trap. Sometimes, I don't even want to listen to the same radio station as he does because I don't want to get attached to him. I wanted to end this but... I didn't want to miss out on anything there might be and I don't want to hide all my life. Maybe there's something about him?

...but here's what happened the other day.
So I saw Renan in the afternoon at my closed-circuit exam:

Renan: Hey, wanna come over after?
Me: Yeah okay...
Renan: I finish soon, want to wait?
Me: No, I want to go home to take a shower first...
Renan: Okay, call me when you get home.

I get home. I take a shower. I call him and he doesn't pick up.
I call him an hour later and he still doesn't pick up.
I send him a text and replies back saying that we'll meet at 8PM.
At 8PM, he texts to tell me that it will be at 9PM finally.

At 9PM, he calls me and asks if I'm ready and that I might have to wait until 10PM because he got caught up with Jonas, his new best friend. I was like...okay? Whether that's true or not, he's the only one who knows. I thought about it and I decided that if he’s that busy hanging out at the pool with his friend then I’ll just stay home to study instead. So he calls and goes “What the fuck! We had plans, you don't just cancel on me like that! You're so indecisive...You want to see me or not”?...yadda-yadda-yadda. Seriously, he pissed me off. It's always his-way-or-no-way. And what plan? That ain't no plan; it was just what I call a last minute bouche-trou plan. And even if there was a plan, then we were supposed to meet at 8, not 9, 10 or 11. I got more productive things to do than fucking him. JESUS CHRIST!

...Okay, Elaine, relax you there. Don't start a fight. Just smile when you see him and if he says you look good, like he usually would, then just say thank you. That's it. Don't get mad. Don't.

When we got to his place, he asked me if I wanted mango juice or cranberry juice with my vodka. So, I told him that it doesn't matter which. "Don't you have an opinion? Have an opinion sometimes!" he said. What the fuck! Are you fucking serious? Just because I don't care if it's cranberry or mango means that I don't have an opinion? So does it mean that just because I don't care what color are your underwear means I don't have an opinion as well? Maybe I'm just easy going? But if you want my opinion so bad then my opinion is that...you're gay.

..okay relax, Elaine...relax. *breathe*

Now I kind of notice that we never really talk about anything.
...except lies.

Anyways.

Then he started telling me how he figured me out the first day he saw me. Obviously, he's just saying that so I can go "Awww, my Renan! You know me soooo well! What would I do without you". Pshh. Actions speak louder than words; He really doesn't know a thing.

Me: You're just saying that because I'm pretty.
Renan: You're really shallow if you think I talk to you because you're pretty **I'm not shallow, I'm just realistic.

He's the one who always makes comments on how good I look, how sexy I am, how amazing my ass is and so on...and now he tells me that it's not because I'm pretty? The first time we "hung out" outside of class, he already wanted to fuck me. Fucking liar.

Renan: You like horror movies?
Me: I love horror movies!
Renan: Let’s watch that movie; the darkness. It’s one of my favorite.
Me: Ok.
Renan: Actually, you want to have sex instead of watching the movie? **NIGGA PLEASE!

The morning after was worst. I went to the washroom and I noticed two toothbrushes. Actually I saw them last night too but didn't pay much attention because I was tipsy. One is yellow and the other one is...pink. Were there two toothbrushes last time I came here? I don't remember...but if I didn't notice then it must mean that there wasn't! You guys know what that means? Isn't that too obvious? Don't tell me there are people who uses two toothbrushes at the same time. He hates it when people say he's gay so I don't think the pink toothbrush is his'.

He says he never lies...and the reason why he doesn't lie is simply because he has the memory of a goldfish. It should be a good thing that a guy doesn't lie but the thing is, it also means that you can never trust a word he says because he will not remember anything. The fact that he's always drunk doesn't help. If he doesnt remember then, it means it didn't count. Got it? There was a message implied! He was trying to tell me that I should forget everything he told me before.

Here's more...
...and at that point, it got awkward between the long silences.

Renan: When's your birthday?
Me: I told you already, I'm not telling you again.
Renan: I don't remember...when was it again?
Me: April 18th.
Renan: Oh, Aries? A lot of my girlfriends are Aries. **That for sure implies a lot...
Me: (silence)
Renan: Aries are stubborn and hard to deal with. **He had to look at me to make sure I heard it. And you know what? He already said it tons of times that I'm stubborn; at least 3 times. It's like yeah...I understand that you don't want to deal with a stubborn person like me.

Some guys think I like them just because I remember everything they say...but it's also partly because I want to see when they'll lie and betray themselves. And you know what? It's not true that he has a goldfish memory. He actually has a very good memory and he's also very smart. Everything he said was calculated. I hate him.

I think we're both pretty good at anticipating things, and we know what's going on, what's best to do. Why make it so clear...How would that help if he said "Elaine, you're stubborn and you give me so much trouble that I can't endure you anymore". I think he just likes the challenge because he once said that I look like an innocent girl...and now he doesn't need that anymore. When he didn't reply to my text...I knew I was right. It's really over. I can finally sleep in peace. Now, I don't have to endure him anymore!

Being with him felt like riding a wild roller coaster. It's exiting...but the constant ups and downs are making it difficult to breathe. That evening, when he took me to Ste-Adele on his bike, I was behind him watching the sun fall. It felt like we were chasing after the sun. It was like a reward after a long day...but we all know that when the sun goes down, it's when trouble comes in. One day, he makes me happy and the next day, he makes me cry. I never cried so much in my life in such a short period of time. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired and I need to rest.

Sometimes I think it's my fault. Someone once told me that I have issues...is that true? Did that person just said that because I pissed him off? I don't know...

I'm okay though...
I just had an exam today and did pretty well.
I feel like it already became part of the past.
I forget pretty easily.

Too jaded, I guess. I knew it would end up like this.

PS.: I'm too hot for him anyways, ha.



Just Kidding.

I do have nice shoes but...

Awn! Recover soon, boy!

Bugaboo much?

It's already been months and I don't know how many times I still have to ignore him just so he can understand that I don't want to hang out with him? And it doesn’t matter what I do, how unavailable I make myself, and how rude-as-fuck I am to him in response — he just doesn't give up!

What's so hard to understand?

Welcome back, Elaine!

I missed Elaine so much...

Experience makes you wise but most of the time, wisdom is just misery. As people grow older, the good and bad experiences accumulated become layers. There are so many layers that I, sometimes, don't remember who I were and I hardly recognize myself...too ashamed of my actions maybe? I read some of my previous posts and I'm like "What the fuck was wrong with me? That wasn't Elaine. Why was I sad for that crap? How can I ruin that face with tears"?! Any valid reasons? No and nothing's worth it. Then few days ago, someone "nicely" asked me to do something for him and I brought that person down without feeling bad for one second. In fact, I enjoyed every second of it. I guess I were tired of acting nice to people who are going to use that to step over me. It reminds me that I really am not a kind-hearted girl at all.

It's like...bitch please, Elaine! You know you're just a mean crazy bitch; why are you playing the domesticated housewife, acting all cute and nice? Cut it out, Psh.

I take a look again at the woman in the mirror but this time, I think to myself "Oh shit, look at that! I'm still one hot bitch. Why do I even let them brainfuck me"? I'm not going to let anyone take advantage of me thinking that there's no repercussion. I will peel off the unwanted layers and just become, again, who I was.

So, remember this:
Do not care.
Do not share.
Do not assume.
Do not be naive.
Do not waste time.
Do not think that far.
Do not be too serious.
Do not put your heart into it.
Do not give anything away for free.
...because you ain't getting anything back.

No one messes with me. Just no way.
I'm vain and conceited; exactly the way I like it.