He sent me this e-mail since I didn't want to talk.
My heart is yours to do with what you want...I fucking need you. Everyday, you’re in my mind. Every time, I can't wait to see you. Every time I see you standing up waiting for me or walking towards me, I realize that I am falling in love with you. This scared me because I was insecure that you could just dump me at anytime without thought, which is partly why I said what I did. But now I see that that is the STUPIDEST thing I could ever think, and I feel like I seriously fucked up with some who FINALLY understands me and wants to be with me for who I am more than my own family and friends and that is SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.
Why did I talk to Daphne? Could have been anyone; her because she asked. And honestly to tell her that I’ve never felt the way I feel about you since fucking high school would have left her broken. I had no idea you would read and it would hurt you instead. If I knew, I swear I would tell her that I’ve been happier in the last 6 weeks than I’ve been in the last 3-4 years of my life and it’s because of you.
Je t’appelle mon amour pour une raison mon amour... et si cette lettre était en encre tu verras ou mon émotion a toucher a la page.
Poor guy. He thinks that I’m hurt…but really, it takes more than that to hurt me.
“I can’t let go of a women who's so pretty and down to earth, who buys me a dish rack and has a passion in her, and even when that passion becomes bad, I still like it,” he told me, on the phone. That’s very right, I bought him a dish rack so he can do the dishes properly, haha.
Basically, he told me that he said those words because he was acknowledging the way he felt; he felt insecure because I could break his heart. I think that makes sense because I’ve felt that way before, but I still don’t like the fact that he told Daphne.
He asked me to think about the time we had, to look at the big picture…and yes, I know, he invites me to his grandparent’s 50th anniversary, calls me every night, ditches his friends to spend time with me, and even when his friends are saying that he’s getting pussy whipped, he tells them that it’s different. He keeps his words aligned with actions and he actually patiently waited a long time and never pressured me to have sex with him. It just happened very naturally and I never felt like I had to betray myself to please him. Were those all lies too? If so, then he’s great liar and definitely deserves a second chance for the effort.
…but it's true when they say that trust is hard to gain and easy to loose. Can you really be with someone without trusting them? Then he tells me that he’s willing to start over. How are we even going to start over?
You see? I wasn’t actually that mad, I ran away because I wanted to establish the unwritten rules of the relationship. I just want to make my life easier. I never lied to him though, I even told him that I’m not in love with him, maybe I will later and maybe I won't, so he can make a decision for himself.
“I can’t let go of you,” he said.
“I know you can’t. You love the challenge. I know you,” I replied.
“You’re wrong. The biggest challenge about you is your thick shell, it’s hard to crack it…and it’s not the kind of challenge that most would have the strength to confront. But I want to do this because I like you, but you have to help me too.”, he said.
Jonathan was always willing to try harder when he saw that he wasn’t trying hard enough. That's how I know that he's not lying and that I can give him the same love in return. If he's able to handle the worst of me, then he for sure deserves the best as well.
When I hear the words, “I’m done trying” from a guy, that’s how I know he’s not worth my time. Sorry if you can’t keep up, and sorry if it seems like I’m trying to push you away. Easier girls are everywhere. Do you see happily married couples saying, “Oh, I picked him because he was available and I was lonely, so why not?”. Of course not.
I was talking to TJ earlier, "Do you think we can fall in love more than once?" I asked. "Yes, I think it's a sad existence to live otherwise," he replied. I can only hope it's not too late for me.
Finally on Sunday, we stayed on the phone for 4 hours to talk everything out. I persuaded him to give me his facebook password to verify that he’s not lying because I don’t trust him at all, and he actually gave it to me. Can you believe? I’m so bossy, ha.
"Do me a favor please, say my name," he nicely asked.
"Jonathan, you're ugly."