I guess I needed some kind of closure. I needed the truth to be brutal. I don't want to pretend I don't know, I don't want those thoughts of revenge. I just want to move on.
I called Jonathan, but he didn't pick up. I called because I can't do this anymore. Why am I torturing myself? I know it's not right. It's not okay to send me all these text messages to give me false hope on New Years Eve, and at the same time trying to get with other women. He appears to have my best interest at heart, but he's selfish without realising it...maybe he wants to ease his own subconscious. I totally think that he mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship before me to make his own transition easier. He really disgusts me.
| Me: Please answer...I just want to know something. Jonathan: We can't talk...What's up? |
I called him another time. Again, he didn't pick up.
| Jonathan: I won't answer Elaine...What's up? Me: I'm really hurt that as early as November, you were already thinking of cheating on me. And I don't understand why you texted me on NYE. |
How do I know? There are no evidences, but I know. I can feel. When someone has let go of you, someone's looking around for more, someone's dissatisfied of you, someone has stopped trying...I can feel it, and I will never forget that feeling. I used to think it was just me; I'm thinking too much, I'm causing the drama, I'm causing the emotional rollercoaster...but it's not me. He once asked me how come I cry all the time. It's because my body knows something that my mind doesn't know about; it remembers something, it knows that something is wrong.
| Jonathan: I came home and took out the mail...I read your letters, I'm sorry for texting you. Never cheated on you...Early as November...What's making you say that? Me: Because I logged on your account. I've been reading your messages even though I shouldn't. I didn't want to say this but I'm really hurt...I don't know what to do...You used to tell me it's because of work and because I gave you too much headaches...but it's because you were looking for a replacement instead of spending more time with me. I should've trusted my instincts more...that feeling when you know that someone is looking elsewhere, I will remember forever. ...and I'm telling you this now because I really can't take this anymore. I will never ever see you again. Jonathan: First of all wow Elaine..and you're so wrong about replacements. I did create an account to see what was out there, yes, but I never had the intention of finding a replacement. And I had many opportunities I didn't take. Geez. And the reason was because I was faithful to you. I'm sorry Elaine...but I haven't met or slept with anyone else actually. What about you? |
He called me. I answered but I didn't talk. I was crying so bad that I couldn't talk, so I hung up.
| Jonathan: The reason I did, I swear, was NOT to replace you. Hearing you cry hurts me so much Elaine...the reason was because I needed to be sure that I was making the right decision, to put our relationship on perspective...Elaine...When I see how hurt you are, it makes me realize how much you must love me...how precious that is...and what a huge idiot I may be...I'm sorry Elaine...you said it in your letters. I didn't realize. I went on it because I wanted to feel that feeling of being the man...to boost confidence. I guess I needed to feel that I could get on if we were to break up. And over the last 2 weeks, although I have played the game...it has been very superficial as it was back in November...Elaine...I want to tell you so much that your letters deeply affected me and how I see you and us...after a period of turmoil you seem to always analyze and respond in a way that makes me question whether you might be the best thing for me... Let's make resolutions. Let's be better versions of each other...I cried when I read that because I know you want us to do it for each other... |
He called me again...we were silent. I told him that i deleted his messages because I didn't want him to meet others. "I don't want you to meet others either..." he said.
He said that the letters made him realize what he needs to change and he asked if I will come in April...I said that I don't know because I'm hurt.
"I will be there, my heart will be there," he said.