Listen to the Musn'ts child,
Listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts,
the Impossibles, the Won'ts.
Listen to the Never Haves,
then Listen close to me-
ANYthing can happen, child,
ANYthing can Be.
Mind
Tuesday, 23 January 2018
"I've never seen a person like you, someone who laughs so hard, but cries so much at the same time. When you're happy, you're really happy. When you're sad, you're really sad. And when you're mad, you're really fucking mad."
...said someone I used to know.
I used to feel like an hurricane that tore everything apart. Every grain of emotion seemed exponentially magnified and consumed my thoughts. In other words, I was an emotional mess.
But one day, I learned something about my mind. The mind is the most powerful tool one has, and learning to control the dominant and recurring thoughts can turn illusions into reality, because every external effect has an inner cause. Unfortunately, most people have it backwards, thinking they feel a certain way because of circumstances when in fact, our lives are driven by our collective thoughts and beliefs.
Everything in life can accurately reveal your thoughts and beliefs. You think your job, relationships, finances and education are too superficial? Think again.
...and so, I started experimenting and gave myself this power. Somehow, I willed myself to make something of myself and trick people into thinking I'm a respectable person...and I stopped crying.
Nowadays, life feels so alien. I'm so detached from emotions that I can will my mind to think anything and I can be anybody. I'm not a robot though, I do have emotions, I'm very aware of them and I can confidently say I understand them more than anybody can understand theirs, but I only observe from a distance. I don't actually feel those emotions, if that makes sense...I feel it's more of a scientific experiment. Sometimes, I don't quite know who I am.
Am I sad? Do I care? Does it even matter? I just feel life is such an illusion, and maybe it's better that way.
...said someone I used to know.
I used to feel like an hurricane that tore everything apart. Every grain of emotion seemed exponentially magnified and consumed my thoughts. In other words, I was an emotional mess.
But one day, I learned something about my mind. The mind is the most powerful tool one has, and learning to control the dominant and recurring thoughts can turn illusions into reality, because every external effect has an inner cause. Unfortunately, most people have it backwards, thinking they feel a certain way because of circumstances when in fact, our lives are driven by our collective thoughts and beliefs.
Everything in life can accurately reveal your thoughts and beliefs. You think your job, relationships, finances and education are too superficial? Think again.
...and so, I started experimenting and gave myself this power. Somehow, I willed myself to make something of myself and trick people into thinking I'm a respectable person...and I stopped crying.
Nowadays, life feels so alien. I'm so detached from emotions that I can will my mind to think anything and I can be anybody. I'm not a robot though, I do have emotions, I'm very aware of them and I can confidently say I understand them more than anybody can understand theirs, but I only observe from a distance. I don't actually feel those emotions, if that makes sense...I feel it's more of a scientific experiment. Sometimes, I don't quite know who I am.
Am I sad? Do I care? Does it even matter? I just feel life is such an illusion, and maybe it's better that way.
Less whole
Wednesday, 17 January 2018
It's scary to realize that you've become a certain way...but somehow I've managed to conclude that it's okay to stop believing. I have a hard time seeing things clearly, and maybe that's because I deep down know the answer already, but I choose to be blind about it. It's hard to accept but the tides of fate and time keep pulling me into separate directions, and
I’m struggling desperately to be who I want to be, and be who I should
be, but I'm slightly defeated and weathered by age. Maybe it’s simply that I’m less emotional; less trusting; less whole. Maybe simply, because I'm afraid. I'm slowly accepting things I never wanted to accept. Life is fickle and people change. There were things that once upon a time made sense...
Nothing
Monday, 15 January 2018
Freedom is great but leaves your hands grasping emptiness. Whiskey is sweet but devours every inch of your being.That burn left on my skin is never quite satisfying. Heartlessness is a treacherous slope sliding backwards, but heartache is another word for "going ahead".
The weight of those carefully calculated words and actions telling you that nothing means nothing are burning, spinning and imploding inside me. You pretend they mean nothing, but that makes you an easier prey when loneliness descends like a moth fluttering in the hollows.
How many times can someone play these self-damaging games until they become nothing themselves. Life means nothing, emotions mean nothing and we are all becoming nothing but mere beings driven by immediate ego boost and satisfaction, and nothing really matters anymore.
2017
Sunday, 31 December 2017
It's that time of the year again. It's the last day of 2017 and it's time for a little annual recap.
Today, I'm just staying home, cleaning, doing my taxes, trying to throw away things and now I'm reflecting on my year. I'm not going out or anything, because I want to wake-up fresh for 2018.
There are so many things that happened in 2017 that I would've never predicted last year. I feel incredible, and I'm mostly happy but somehow bittersweet. I made many spontaneous (and crazy) decisions, some turned out great, some not so great, and some of which the results are still a mystery.
I remember 2016 was a joyful year where everything just fits like a puzzle. However, people will always look for new puzzles to solve and greater challenges. I was no longer content with what I had. I wanted things to be even better and step up a level. I think 2017 set a good base for what I hope for in my future.
In early 2017, I almost fell in love. I was vulnerable. I let go of boundaries. Sadly, it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. However, I left the situation without regrets and I keep great memories of it. It's okay to try, and to be heartbroken. It's life and it's beautiful but it takes courage and strength to live and experience it fully.
Later in 2017, I lost a dear friend in a plane crash. I miss her so much that I'm still crying when I think about her. I miss our summer spent together and I miss everything about her. To think that she will not see 2018 hurts me deeply. It reminds me to live life fully, to not take people for granted, to spend time with them and be fully engaged.
In the middle of 2017, I decided to go on a weekly little adventure. I did this because I don't want to let busy routines and work be an excuse to not try new things and be adventurous. Time flies away so quickly when you're busy and not paying attention to little things, and I don't want to be left wondering what I did this whole time when I get older. I want to have some good stories to tell.
Also in the middle of 2017, I adventured on trailless mountains for the first time, as I'm getting more comfortable navigating in the wilderness. I definitely want to try more of these and possibly finish all 46 mountains of the Adirondacks next year. I also hope to spend more time outdoors.
In later part of 2017, I incorporated and hired my first part-time employee. I feel blessed to have the freedom to create a work environment that I enjoy and to have the chance to work towards what I envision. I'm hopeful that it will open doors to more opportunities in 2018.
Also in the later part of 2017, I traveled to Iceland and drove around the whole country, and fell in love with the highlands. I also went back to Grande-Bergeronnes, my favorite place in the province to spend some time away on my own, be disconnected and just do nothing for once, other than listening to the whales' singing.
At the end of 2017, I found my dream home (and got a new car), which I already wrote about in a previous post so I won't be going in much details. That really sparked up my interest in real estate and I'm definitely looking to invest more in the future.
Overall in 2017, I was the best version of myself. I allowed others to be themselves. There are people who convince you to be less because they are, they are afraid of rejection, of being used, of being uncomfortable, but don't become what you hate. You don't need to be less because they can't be more.
For the past two years, my resolutions were to be more open-minded, to not let pride get in the way of life's most beautiful things, and be patient enough to not settle for less, and I think those are good resolutions to keep for 2018. I just hope that everything will be even better in 2018, and I hope it will be full of surprises and new adventures.
Today, I'm just staying home, cleaning, doing my taxes, trying to throw away things and now I'm reflecting on my year. I'm not going out or anything, because I want to wake-up fresh for 2018.
There are so many things that happened in 2017 that I would've never predicted last year. I feel incredible, and I'm mostly happy but somehow bittersweet. I made many spontaneous (and crazy) decisions, some turned out great, some not so great, and some of which the results are still a mystery.
I remember 2016 was a joyful year where everything just fits like a puzzle. However, people will always look for new puzzles to solve and greater challenges. I was no longer content with what I had. I wanted things to be even better and step up a level. I think 2017 set a good base for what I hope for in my future.
In early 2017, I almost fell in love. I was vulnerable. I let go of boundaries. Sadly, it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. However, I left the situation without regrets and I keep great memories of it. It's okay to try, and to be heartbroken. It's life and it's beautiful but it takes courage and strength to live and experience it fully.
Later in 2017, I lost a dear friend in a plane crash. I miss her so much that I'm still crying when I think about her. I miss our summer spent together and I miss everything about her. To think that she will not see 2018 hurts me deeply. It reminds me to live life fully, to not take people for granted, to spend time with them and be fully engaged.
In the middle of 2017, I decided to go on a weekly little adventure. I did this because I don't want to let busy routines and work be an excuse to not try new things and be adventurous. Time flies away so quickly when you're busy and not paying attention to little things, and I don't want to be left wondering what I did this whole time when I get older. I want to have some good stories to tell.
Also in the middle of 2017, I adventured on trailless mountains for the first time, as I'm getting more comfortable navigating in the wilderness. I definitely want to try more of these and possibly finish all 46 mountains of the Adirondacks next year. I also hope to spend more time outdoors.
In later part of 2017, I incorporated and hired my first part-time employee. I feel blessed to have the freedom to create a work environment that I enjoy and to have the chance to work towards what I envision. I'm hopeful that it will open doors to more opportunities in 2018.
Also in the later part of 2017, I traveled to Iceland and drove around the whole country, and fell in love with the highlands. I also went back to Grande-Bergeronnes, my favorite place in the province to spend some time away on my own, be disconnected and just do nothing for once, other than listening to the whales' singing.
At the end of 2017, I found my dream home (and got a new car), which I already wrote about in a previous post so I won't be going in much details. That really sparked up my interest in real estate and I'm definitely looking to invest more in the future.
Overall in 2017, I was the best version of myself. I allowed others to be themselves. There are people who convince you to be less because they are, they are afraid of rejection, of being used, of being uncomfortable, but don't become what you hate. You don't need to be less because they can't be more.
For the past two years, my resolutions were to be more open-minded, to not let pride get in the way of life's most beautiful things, and be patient enough to not settle for less, and I think those are good resolutions to keep for 2018. I just hope that everything will be even better in 2018, and I hope it will be full of surprises and new adventures.
Weekly little adventures (W24-27): I'm moving...finally!
"You have traveled around the world, you started a business that works and if you also buy a home before turning 30, it would be a nice accomplishment."
"I don't know. I'm quite happy now."
That was a conversation I had with a friend a couple of months ago. Little would I have thought that I'm actually going to do it.
I never really felt the need to move out. I live in a big house in a nice neighborhood. My mom cooks and cleans for me. It definitely saves me a lot of time and work. Of course, there are some inconveniences. For example, my dad nags me when he sees me in the kitchen in the morning. No big deal, I started waking up later. He also nags me when I come back home. No big deal, I stay in my room. My mom questions my relationships, my work and my whereabouts. No big deal, I never spend the night out, so no explanations needed, and no questions asked ever again. There are no other places warmer than my own bed anyway.
However lately, there is this tiny drop that spilled the glass. There is always some strangers at home which I really don't appreciate, especially when you're not notified in advance. Not that they need my permission or anything, but I think it's just common courtesy to at least let you know. Just imagine, you wake up, you're all comfortable in your pajamas, you walk downstairs and you realize there is a stranger on your couch that ignores your presence, as if they were in their own house. How rude. It almost feels like an invasion of privacy. That was a bit of an exaggeration of course but honestly, it makes me quite uncomfortable, even if ironically I'm in my own house, and they are not.
My parents say they can invite whoever they want because it's their house. I think they really forgot that my name is also on the house and if it wasn't me, maybe that house would not be theirs and they would not be able to be so loud about it. It makes me think that I really don't have any respect. They always like to compare me to their friend's children, but have they asked them if their children also contribute as much as I do? They raised me and all, and I can never pay them back but that doesn't mean they can disrespect me like that. In a way, I'm more powerful than my parents, I can fly away if I really wanted to, but I didn't. Now, they are taking it for granted.
They always think what a huge sacrifice they made for me, but they don't really realize what I've done for them. I lived a restrained life because I have too much respect for what they expected from me. I'm not going to lie, but I care way too much about making money, living a good life and achieving career goals because I want them to live comfortably. I'm mostly unforgiving and selfish in relationships and with people who don't align with my standards of living. I'm quite a superficial person in that sense.
In my heart, I'm a free-spirit, I dream of living in a van and drive away and wake up to a different scenery every day...but that would be quite selfish of me. The only time I'm really myself is when I travel, it's the only time I can let go of those standards, criteria and just enjoy life for what it is. That was always a small part inside me that bothered me, and I repressed that for too long.
I really want some peace, I don't want to answer any questions or talk to anybody or see anybody that I do not like in a place that is supposed to be home.
I wanted to wait until next year because the last time I was employed full-time for a whole year was in 2014, in 2015 I worked half of the year, in 2016 I also worked half of the year, in 2017 I worked the whole year but incorporated half way, which isn't great from the bank's point of view. My situation is considered highly risky and it's hard to get financing, especially next year because the rules will be even stricter. Luckily, I found my dream home within 2 days and logically, I should not have much trouble getting approved. If all goes well, I'm moving end of January.
Life is just crazy and I feel lucky to have the freedom to make such a huge yet spontaneous decisions. I think that will really help me leave those baggage and those prejudices behind, and just be a bit more who I want to be...
"I don't know. I'm quite happy now."
That was a conversation I had with a friend a couple of months ago. Little would I have thought that I'm actually going to do it.
I never really felt the need to move out. I live in a big house in a nice neighborhood. My mom cooks and cleans for me. It definitely saves me a lot of time and work. Of course, there are some inconveniences. For example, my dad nags me when he sees me in the kitchen in the morning. No big deal, I started waking up later. He also nags me when I come back home. No big deal, I stay in my room. My mom questions my relationships, my work and my whereabouts. No big deal, I never spend the night out, so no explanations needed, and no questions asked ever again. There are no other places warmer than my own bed anyway.
However lately, there is this tiny drop that spilled the glass. There is always some strangers at home which I really don't appreciate, especially when you're not notified in advance. Not that they need my permission or anything, but I think it's just common courtesy to at least let you know. Just imagine, you wake up, you're all comfortable in your pajamas, you walk downstairs and you realize there is a stranger on your couch that ignores your presence, as if they were in their own house. How rude. It almost feels like an invasion of privacy. That was a bit of an exaggeration of course but honestly, it makes me quite uncomfortable, even if ironically I'm in my own house, and they are not.
My parents say they can invite whoever they want because it's their house. I think they really forgot that my name is also on the house and if it wasn't me, maybe that house would not be theirs and they would not be able to be so loud about it. It makes me think that I really don't have any respect. They always like to compare me to their friend's children, but have they asked them if their children also contribute as much as I do? They raised me and all, and I can never pay them back but that doesn't mean they can disrespect me like that. In a way, I'm more powerful than my parents, I can fly away if I really wanted to, but I didn't. Now, they are taking it for granted.
They always think what a huge sacrifice they made for me, but they don't really realize what I've done for them. I lived a restrained life because I have too much respect for what they expected from me. I'm not going to lie, but I care way too much about making money, living a good life and achieving career goals because I want them to live comfortably. I'm mostly unforgiving and selfish in relationships and with people who don't align with my standards of living. I'm quite a superficial person in that sense.
In my heart, I'm a free-spirit, I dream of living in a van and drive away and wake up to a different scenery every day...but that would be quite selfish of me. The only time I'm really myself is when I travel, it's the only time I can let go of those standards, criteria and just enjoy life for what it is. That was always a small part inside me that bothered me, and I repressed that for too long.
I really want some peace, I don't want to answer any questions or talk to anybody or see anybody that I do not like in a place that is supposed to be home.
I wanted to wait until next year because the last time I was employed full-time for a whole year was in 2014, in 2015 I worked half of the year, in 2016 I also worked half of the year, in 2017 I worked the whole year but incorporated half way, which isn't great from the bank's point of view. My situation is considered highly risky and it's hard to get financing, especially next year because the rules will be even stricter. Luckily, I found my dream home within 2 days and logically, I should not have much trouble getting approved. If all goes well, I'm moving end of January.
Life is just crazy and I feel lucky to have the freedom to make such a huge yet spontaneous decisions. I think that will really help me leave those baggage and those prejudices behind, and just be a bit more who I want to be...
Weekly little adventures (W23): Chaotic but calm
Sunday, 3 December 2017
certain but unsettled
unsettled but content
content but uncertain
uncertain but trusting
trusting but chaotic
chaotic but calm
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)