I want to get married before I turn 25, seriously.
Lily & Yat
Monday, 30 May 2011
It's a sign that you're getting older when your friends are getting married. Lily married to her high school sweetheart yesterday. I'm so jealous.
I want to get married before I turn 25, seriously.
I want to get married before I turn 25, seriously.
Because all sunshine without a little rain makes a desert
Sunday, 29 May 2011
To sum this week up, we argued 2 times, I punched his nose accidently on 2 occasions, he punched the wall out of anger once and oh, we shared 200 kisses.
"Ever since I met you, my life's been like a rollercoaster," he says.
"Why do you like me? Because I've got a bad temper? Or because I'm manipulating, stubborn and fucked up in the brain?" I ask.
"I'm putting up with that because you make me laugh every day."
Looking at the big picture
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
He called me so many times Saturday, and I finally picked up. He did most of the talking and I just listened. There were many times I abruptly hung up, and others where I just ended the conversation with "I don't know. I don't want to talk, bye."
He sent me this e-mail since I didn't want to talk.
Poor guy. He thinks that I’m hurt…but really, it takes more than that to hurt me.
“I can’t let go of a women who's so pretty and down to earth, who buys me a dish rack and has a passion in her, and even when that passion becomes bad, I still like it,” he told me, on the phone. That’s very right, I bought him a dish rack so he can do the dishes properly, haha.
Basically, he told me that he said those words because he was acknowledging the way he felt; he felt insecure because I could break his heart. I think that makes sense because I’ve felt that way before, but I still don’t like the fact that he told Daphne.
He asked me to think about the time we had, to look at the big picture…and yes, I know, he invites me to his grandparent’s 50th anniversary, calls me every night, ditches his friends to spend time with me, and even when his friends are saying that he’s getting pussy whipped, he tells them that it’s different. He keeps his words aligned with actions and he actually patiently waited a long time and never pressured me to have sex with him. It just happened very naturally and I never felt like I had to betray myself to please him. Were those all lies too? If so, then he’s great liar and definitely deserves a second chance for the effort.
…but it's true when they say that trust is hard to gain and easy to loose. Can you really be with someone without trusting them? Then he tells me that he’s willing to start over. How are we even going to start over?
You see? I wasn’t actually that mad, I ran away because I wanted to establish the unwritten rules of the relationship. I just want to make my life easier. I never lied to him though, I even told him that I’m not in love with him, maybe I will later and maybe I won't, so he can make a decision for himself.
“I can’t let go of you,” he said.
“I know you can’t. You love the challenge. I know you,” I replied.
“You’re wrong. The biggest challenge about you is your thick shell, it’s hard to crack it…and it’s not the kind of challenge that most would have the strength to confront. But I want to do this because I like you, but you have to help me too.”, he said.
Jonathan was always willing to try harder when he saw that he wasn’t trying hard enough. That's how I know that he's not lying and that I can give him the same love in return. If he's able to handle the worst of me, then he for sure deserves the best as well.
When I hear the words, “I’m done trying” from a guy, that’s how I know he’s not worth my time. Sorry if you can’t keep up, and sorry if it seems like I’m trying to push you away. Easier girls are everywhere. Do you see happily married couples saying, “Oh, I picked him because he was available and I was lonely, so why not?”. Of course not.
I was talking to TJ earlier, "Do you think we can fall in love more than once?" I asked. "Yes, I think it's a sad existence to live otherwise," he replied. I can only hope it's not too late for me.
Finally on Sunday, we stayed on the phone for 4 hours to talk everything out. I persuaded him to give me his facebook password to verify that he’s not lying because I don’t trust him at all, and he actually gave it to me. Can you believe? I’m so bossy, ha.
"Do me a favor please, say my name," he nicely asked.
"Jonathan, you're ugly."
He sent me this e-mail since I didn't want to talk.
My heart is yours to do with what you want...I fucking need you. Everyday, you’re in my mind. Every time, I can't wait to see you. Every time I see you standing up waiting for me or walking towards me, I realize that I am falling in love with you. This scared me because I was insecure that you could just dump me at anytime without thought, which is partly why I said what I did. But now I see that that is the STUPIDEST thing I could ever think, and I feel like I seriously fucked up with some who FINALLY understands me and wants to be with me for who I am more than my own family and friends and that is SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW.
Why did I talk to Daphne? Could have been anyone; her because she asked. And honestly to tell her that I’ve never felt the way I feel about you since fucking high school would have left her broken. I had no idea you would read and it would hurt you instead. If I knew, I swear I would tell her that I’ve been happier in the last 6 weeks than I’ve been in the last 3-4 years of my life and it’s because of you.
Je t’appelle mon amour pour une raison mon amour... et si cette lettre était en encre tu verras ou mon émotion a toucher a la page.
Poor guy. He thinks that I’m hurt…but really, it takes more than that to hurt me.
“I can’t let go of a women who's so pretty and down to earth, who buys me a dish rack and has a passion in her, and even when that passion becomes bad, I still like it,” he told me, on the phone. That’s very right, I bought him a dish rack so he can do the dishes properly, haha.
Basically, he told me that he said those words because he was acknowledging the way he felt; he felt insecure because I could break his heart. I think that makes sense because I’ve felt that way before, but I still don’t like the fact that he told Daphne.
He asked me to think about the time we had, to look at the big picture…and yes, I know, he invites me to his grandparent’s 50th anniversary, calls me every night, ditches his friends to spend time with me, and even when his friends are saying that he’s getting pussy whipped, he tells them that it’s different. He keeps his words aligned with actions and he actually patiently waited a long time and never pressured me to have sex with him. It just happened very naturally and I never felt like I had to betray myself to please him. Were those all lies too? If so, then he’s great liar and definitely deserves a second chance for the effort.
…but it's true when they say that trust is hard to gain and easy to loose. Can you really be with someone without trusting them? Then he tells me that he’s willing to start over. How are we even going to start over?
You see? I wasn’t actually that mad, I ran away because I wanted to establish the unwritten rules of the relationship. I just want to make my life easier. I never lied to him though, I even told him that I’m not in love with him, maybe I will later and maybe I won't, so he can make a decision for himself.
“I can’t let go of you,” he said.
“I know you can’t. You love the challenge. I know you,” I replied.
“You’re wrong. The biggest challenge about you is your thick shell, it’s hard to crack it…and it’s not the kind of challenge that most would have the strength to confront. But I want to do this because I like you, but you have to help me too.”, he said.
Jonathan was always willing to try harder when he saw that he wasn’t trying hard enough. That's how I know that he's not lying and that I can give him the same love in return. If he's able to handle the worst of me, then he for sure deserves the best as well.
When I hear the words, “I’m done trying” from a guy, that’s how I know he’s not worth my time. Sorry if you can’t keep up, and sorry if it seems like I’m trying to push you away. Easier girls are everywhere. Do you see happily married couples saying, “Oh, I picked him because he was available and I was lonely, so why not?”. Of course not.
I was talking to TJ earlier, "Do you think we can fall in love more than once?" I asked. "Yes, I think it's a sad existence to live otherwise," he replied. I can only hope it's not too late for me.
Finally on Sunday, we stayed on the phone for 4 hours to talk everything out. I persuaded him to give me his facebook password to verify that he’s not lying because I don’t trust him at all, and he actually gave it to me. Can you believe? I’m so bossy, ha.
"Do me a favor please, say my name," he nicely asked.
"Jonathan, you're ugly."
Sunday, 15 May 2011
A person can grow in many ways; chronologically, physically, intellectually, socially, philosophically, and emotionally. Perhaps, I haven’t found psychological freedom, but that also gave me the ability to see the victim in others; I can feel their pain and hurt.
There are people I really shouldn't care about, but being able to understand and see the origin that once caused anxiety, today, makes his little ultimatums so silly yet adorable.
The Legendario isn’t just a bottle of Rhum; it’s the sum of some silly hope, kind concerns, dishonest interest, rational neutrality and final wishes. If you're reading this, I used to think that you were so much worth caring for and after the bitterness has died down, I still think the same.
There are people I really shouldn't care about, but being able to understand and see the origin that once caused anxiety, today, makes his little ultimatums so silly yet adorable.
The Legendario isn’t just a bottle of Rhum; it’s the sum of some silly hope, kind concerns, dishonest interest, rational neutrality and final wishes. If you're reading this, I used to think that you were so much worth caring for and after the bitterness has died down, I still think the same.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
I don't get it. The only reason I called is because I knew he was alone and drunk. I know what it is to scroll through your phone list trying to find someone to call hoping that they'd distract your messed up mind for a bit and usually, you call the ones that you care the least about. I still called him to see if he's okay...and I'm getting childish insults because of that.
...and yeah I'm writing bs in my blog right now and I'm immature, so what if I don't grow up, geez.
...and yeah I'm writing bs in my blog right now and I'm immature, so what if I don't grow up, geez.
Small cock is texting me
R is texting me because he wants to fuck. What a miserable old guy he is. I can't believe this, but this is such the perfect timing because I need some entertainment. At first, I didn't know who it was and I thought it was Nico. "Nico?! Is that you??" I asked.
"Euh no, it's R," he said.
"Who?!" I repeated, just to remind him how unimportant he is and he's seriously fucked up in the brain for even keeping my phone number for that long. Very honestly, I also kept his phone number for a while as a "back up". Whatever we had have always been of that nature...but I also once was very sincere to him, but it ain't worth shit right now so we can't even be friends.
Why is he even asking me these questions that no one is interesting in knowing, right? Oh because, guess what obviously.
I don't resent him but there's simply no point to be nice anymore. I mean, how would that even benefit me? His cock? Nigga please!
...but yeah, I don't want to cheat on Jonathan because we're not officially over, and even if I were to cheat, it ain't going to be with this old wrinkly guy. Fucking Pathetic. I honestly think it's so sad that he can't find someone to fuck hahaha. This guy is kind of smart, but he can be easy to be taken advantage of as well. He probably just got cheated on but really, who in their right mind would want to date a sleazebag like that. This kind of guy is a typical manwhore, only good to fuck.
Tch, as if I didn't know that he reads my blog. I don't even remember when I said that he wasn't straightforward, is this dude living in the past or what. Okay, it was nice actually that he was straightforward this time, but unfortunately, I don't wear old shoes.
Anyways. I don't even know why I'm talking about that loser.
PS.: I used to never talk about him because I would really get angry, and I tried to remember him in a positive way regardless...and after he sent me this today, it's just...laughable.
"Euh no, it's R," he said.
"Who?!" I repeated, just to remind him how unimportant he is and he's seriously fucked up in the brain for even keeping my phone number for that long. Very honestly, I also kept his phone number for a while as a "back up". Whatever we had have always been of that nature...but I also once was very sincere to him, but it ain't worth shit right now so we can't even be friends.
Why is he even asking me these questions that no one is interesting in knowing, right? Oh because, guess what obviously.
I don't resent him but there's simply no point to be nice anymore. I mean, how would that even benefit me? His cock? Nigga please!
...but yeah, I don't want to cheat on Jonathan because we're not officially over, and even if I were to cheat, it ain't going to be with this old wrinkly guy. Fucking Pathetic. I honestly think it's so sad that he can't find someone to fuck hahaha. This guy is kind of smart, but he can be easy to be taken advantage of as well. He probably just got cheated on but really, who in their right mind would want to date a sleazebag like that. This kind of guy is a typical manwhore, only good to fuck.
Tch, as if I didn't know that he reads my blog. I don't even remember when I said that he wasn't straightforward, is this dude living in the past or what. Okay, it was nice actually that he was straightforward this time, but unfortunately, I don't wear old shoes.
Anyways. I don't even know why I'm talking about that loser.
PS.: I used to never talk about him because I would really get angry, and I tried to remember him in a positive way regardless...and after he sent me this today, it's just...laughable.
She's shady and I don't trust her
I'm turning off my phone because it keeps ringing; it’s Jonathan calling me non-stop.
Before I start writing about what just happened earlier, I want to clarify that he doesn't know about this blog. He just called my home phone and my mom picked up...and I never gave him my home phone number, what the fuck.
After getting some stuff done in downtown today, I called Jonathan and we agreed to meet at his place. I got there before him and the first thing I did, I ran to the washroom to take a piss, ha. Okay, then I started looking through his letters on his desk, smelling his bed, looking in the kitchen for traces of evidence. Yes I know. That’s bad.
Let me tell you why I suspect him. The other day, we wanted to watch a certain movie but he couldn't find where he downloaded it. He was looking through his files while I was sitting there next to him, and I saw a file named “Daphne”. "Try the Daphne file; it might be in it,” I said, as a joke. I honestly didn't even care that much about her, until he started explaining why it didn’t work out with her and telling me about her flaws. When a guy overexplains, it becomes suspicious.
My doctor once told me that a woman’s instinct is a gift. It’s not for nothing that we have it. “If you think that your man might be cheating on you, chances are that he already did,” she told me. Personally, I don't rely on it as much. I’d rather find supporting evidences before reaching a conclusion
So, I was going through his stuff and I saw that his laptop was open with his facebook on. I went in his inbox and clicked on his conversation with Daphne. Guess what I saw, I can’t remember exactly, but long story short, I saw things like, “it's not that serious, she's shady, I don't trust her”...and other things of the sort.
This is basically a no-win situation because I’m in the wrong for reading his messages without his permission. When a relationship is new, there are unwritten rules that are established in the first few weeks. If today I decide to suck it up, it means that I'll have to endure this until the end. If I were still the young girl I used to be, I would just pretend that nothing happened. I would resent him, but I would also miserably stick around for a chance to make his life a hell.
…but today, I’m a grown woman and I’m not going to take shit from anybody. Tell me I'm a bitch, but I have to let him know clearly that I can leave him any day. It's not that I want to do this, but he's leaving me with no choice. I know that the messages I saw didn't really mean anything, but it could mean something as well. I admit that I'm not in love with him, but I'm open to that possibility and I never thought about cheating on him or hiding anything.
I grabbed all my stuff and walked out the door. I even left their conversation open so he doesn't think that I got mad for no reason because I'm PSMing. So I left, and realised that I forgot my phone and I was like...damn it. I have to go back to take it but I was pretty sure that he was going to be home soon and I might run into him if I go back. I ran back quickly and saw him from far, he saw me too. I ran inside, grabbed my phone and left through the front door.
....and fuck, I forgot to take my few t-shirts that I left somewhere at his place too.
I wasn't sad honestly. He called my phone so many times that I couldn't even listen to my music in peace. Then he sends me a text telling me to check my facebook. What could he have written? That he cannot live without me and blah blah blah? Bitch please, as if a few redundant words would change my perception of him right now.
Ok, that fucker wrote this on his wall:
And wrote this on mine:
I’m not going to lie. This is actually kind of touching.
...but I don't even understand how anything that has to do with me would hurt Daphne, they are over like way before I met him, so he didn't have to talk about me in such bad way. Also, he mentions that she's very sensitive towards him...but would he tell Daphne that he talks to me in a certain way bacause I'm very sensitive to him and blah blah blah? It's kind of hard to believe him.
Before I start writing about what just happened earlier, I want to clarify that he doesn't know about this blog. He just called my home phone and my mom picked up...and I never gave him my home phone number, what the fuck.
After getting some stuff done in downtown today, I called Jonathan and we agreed to meet at his place. I got there before him and the first thing I did, I ran to the washroom to take a piss, ha. Okay, then I started looking through his letters on his desk, smelling his bed, looking in the kitchen for traces of evidence. Yes I know. That’s bad.
Let me tell you why I suspect him. The other day, we wanted to watch a certain movie but he couldn't find where he downloaded it. He was looking through his files while I was sitting there next to him, and I saw a file named “Daphne”. "Try the Daphne file; it might be in it,” I said, as a joke. I honestly didn't even care that much about her, until he started explaining why it didn’t work out with her and telling me about her flaws. When a guy overexplains, it becomes suspicious.
My doctor once told me that a woman’s instinct is a gift. It’s not for nothing that we have it. “If you think that your man might be cheating on you, chances are that he already did,” she told me. Personally, I don't rely on it as much. I’d rather find supporting evidences before reaching a conclusion
So, I was going through his stuff and I saw that his laptop was open with his facebook on. I went in his inbox and clicked on his conversation with Daphne. Guess what I saw, I can’t remember exactly, but long story short, I saw things like, “it's not that serious, she's shady, I don't trust her”...and other things of the sort.
This is basically a no-win situation because I’m in the wrong for reading his messages without his permission. When a relationship is new, there are unwritten rules that are established in the first few weeks. If today I decide to suck it up, it means that I'll have to endure this until the end. If I were still the young girl I used to be, I would just pretend that nothing happened. I would resent him, but I would also miserably stick around for a chance to make his life a hell.
…but today, I’m a grown woman and I’m not going to take shit from anybody. Tell me I'm a bitch, but I have to let him know clearly that I can leave him any day. It's not that I want to do this, but he's leaving me with no choice. I know that the messages I saw didn't really mean anything, but it could mean something as well. I admit that I'm not in love with him, but I'm open to that possibility and I never thought about cheating on him or hiding anything.
I grabbed all my stuff and walked out the door. I even left their conversation open so he doesn't think that I got mad for no reason because I'm PSMing. So I left, and realised that I forgot my phone and I was like...damn it. I have to go back to take it but I was pretty sure that he was going to be home soon and I might run into him if I go back. I ran back quickly and saw him from far, he saw me too. I ran inside, grabbed my phone and left through the front door.
....and fuck, I forgot to take my few t-shirts that I left somewhere at his place too.
I wasn't sad honestly. He called my phone so many times that I couldn't even listen to my music in peace. Then he sends me a text telling me to check my facebook. What could he have written? That he cannot live without me and blah blah blah? Bitch please, as if a few redundant words would change my perception of him right now.
Ok, that fucker wrote this on his wall:
And wrote this on mine:
I’m not going to lie. This is actually kind of touching.
...but I don't even understand how anything that has to do with me would hurt Daphne, they are over like way before I met him, so he didn't have to talk about me in such bad way. Also, he mentions that she's very sensitive towards him...but would he tell Daphne that he talks to me in a certain way bacause I'm very sensitive to him and blah blah blah? It's kind of hard to believe him.
I don't know what to do about him yet.
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