There are parts of me that I don't understand. It is possibly somewhere on a mountain, flowing along the river, in the middle of the ocean, or in an irrelevant past, and I never live a moment fully and completely.
There has been time when I wanted to fast-forward everything just so I can see the end results. I'm an optimist. I like to see all the reasons, all the slim chances, all the minor possibilities and all the maybes...the only thing I didn't realize is, he doesn't even respect me enough to respond. I will never understand why. Why do I keep doing this to myself. Why do I hang on to these improbabilities. Is there a reason at all?
Sometimes, I tell myself those lies that if I move to another country, I will move on. If I meet someone else, they will help me move on. The next couple of months are crucial to me, because I'll be headed in an another direction. I don't know where yet, but wherever my life goes, I'll be happy. Maybe I will find a way to connect those dots again, maybe somewhere on the mountain, flowing along the river, in middle of the ocean, or perhaps in a future where things will make sense.
Why is an endless charade of questions, and so I have to let go of the charade; to give myself a chance to live.
Maybe we'll get it right next time.