I had a dream earlier this week. It was in a gym class setting that took place in a school yard. As I walked in, I saw a guy with a moustache, apparently my boyfriend, stretching his arm covered of tattoos. As he saw me, he waved at me and made a sign to join him. There was also another person right next to him, also stretching. That person looked at me in a way that I never saw before, a nostalgic stare with a slight serene smile on his face. Because I saw he was there too so, I stayed distant and went to sit in a corner instead, far away from them both.
That dream actually summarizes a significant part of my life. A guy with moustache and tattoos ha, that’s totally my type. I sat away from them both because I stopped touching anything that has to do with one particular person. I deleted every trace of him. The nostalgic stare and peaceful smile means that time have passed but I’m the only one left affected. I don't even dare to walk near the intersections where our paths may potentially cross again. Why in a school yard? I guess it’s because I’m still bound to run into him once in a while. The city is so small.
…of course, that was just a dream. In reality, he’s already become a wrinkled old man who hasn’t achieved anything in life. He’s still struggling between his mediocre job and school. It is true that goals and achievements are stupid and it's a relief not having to bear them. But in his case, he cannot afford to live without a mission on one hand and he's not competent enough to accomplish it on the other. Underachiever. Then again, I can’t help sneaking a peek into his life from time to time, which inevitably results in uncomfort. His childish manners and stupidity make me sick. And so, I would blame myself again for letting my curiosity get me every time.
I once had the chance to attend a drawing class. I met some truly interesting people from various backgrounds and countries. I saw myself in some of them trying to find their place in a foreign country. There were also the wiser ones with much more life experience than I do. They offered me with new perspectives and helped me think through some matters - you can never delete someone you truly loved. I've loved and lost but every love is different and none of those ever made the object of such ambivalence. Some days I hate, some days less, some days I smile and others, I cry. It's confusing and I haven’t found the means to totally accept it yet. On some occasions, I even wish he dies in a car accident.
Introspection is the subconscious opening of scars permitting one self to bleed and feel again. Introspection allows emotional growth and connection with others. Unfortunately, introspection was only possible because it was an accidental outcome of self-interest that took its worst form. Yet again, I’m ambivalent; regretful and thankful at the same time. They say every incident in our lives drives us close to our purpose and I hope that's not another comforting phrase. Here's an exert that I liked from Above his Shoulders:
Some may picture the leaf's journey as a lonely one, but I beg to differ. A leaf that falls from a tree is no more lost than any of us. Destiny predetermines when and where we fall. The purpose may not become apparent until years later. We may feel lost and lonely like the leaf in autumn, waiting unknowingly for the gust of wind to set us free. Our purposes may vary, with each event changing our trajectory ever so slightly. How we interact with others, what we say, whether we become social or remain withdrawn, it is with a purpose and toward an outcome. The leaf may end up in a squirrel's nest, providing a bit of warmth for the winter to come. It may fall to the ground to get raked in a pile waiting for a child to dive in, or bear witness to lovers falling while embracing, as the leaves build up their heads.
...and I admit this; it’s true that I'm aware of things that I cannot live by. Maybe someday, I will be able to entirely accept and find that purpose, if there really is one.