Superstition

"I was so unlucky during that period when I was playing housewife. Everyday, I would think what to cook, and to go grocery shopping during my lunch breaks. I got so many tickets, lost half of my points, got into a car accident, and didn't get a single new client...I really wasn't spending my energy at the right places."

"Are you a superstitious person?"

"I am. I believe there are forces that are greater than our understanding and that if you go against what you're meant to do and compromise yourself, there definitely will be consequences."

Pain

Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame. 

Pain is an inextricable thread in the fabric of life, and to tear it out is not only impossible, but destructive: attempting to tear it out unravels everything else with it. To try to avoid pain is to give too many fucks about pain. In contrast, if you’re able to not give a fuck about the pain, you become unstoppable.

-Mark Manson

Stories, places and people that are no longer for me

I haven't felt this much sadness in a very long time.

2013 was a special year to me; it was a year of so many new beginnings. I've never asked for second chances, and I've always been proud to say I have no regrets. But today, I must admit that if I could go back in time, I know I would've done things differently. I would've been more patient and less selfish.

Today, he lives in another city, he has a wife and a kid.

I keep having these images in my head. I've always had a hard time letting go of stories, places and people that are no longer for me. One moment, I spend too much time looking backwards, and the next I'm racing to some unknown land hoping to find some answers.

I must let go to allow space for all that's for me to show up, I tell myself, but I keep contemplating and create all sorts of pain by going back and forth. I know I will always have these thoughts, I have to meditate throughout this journey, and keep my mind in a better place.

Sometimes, I think I know it all, but today I don't have answers at all.

Vulnerable

Boundaries do not defend us; they trap us inside our inner prisons. You have to be able to accept that your heart will eventually break, and you must sometimes be brave enough to do it yourself...but you know you will always have the ability to build yourself back up and not let those experience jade you.

It takes years of learning and unlearning, peeling off layers of ego and profound openness to be vulnerable enough to be truly human. Today, I can confidently say that being able to be vulnerable is the greatest strength I have ever felt in my entire life.

Layers

As you grow older, you become more and more aware of all the layers. There are too many of them. Some layers feel so comfortable at one moment, but so horrid the next. Sometimes, the most difficult person to understand is yourself; you have a hard time remembering who you are underneath those layers.  You look in the mirror and you don't recognize yourself.

There are those days when I'm just not strong enough to not let those layers affect my actions. They are read back to me and I can't recall myself. I feel ashamed and undeserving.  I can't lie that I'm terrified of being judged for what I've done. I can't help but ask, is this too good to be true; will I be left the next day with a mess of empty?

...but then there are those tomorrows, where you wake up and set your goals, subside those fears, reason with yourself that those feelings are nothing but old triggers, hide those layers and work hard on living in the moment, being happy and accepting things for what they are. Stay strong and be the free-spirit you've always been...

2016

It's time for an annual look-back!

I started this blog in 2008. It was a year of exploring, and many first times. We lived and breathed fire. I was me, and I was invincible and free. I jumped into 2009 the way a child dives into orange leaves; headfirst, with no consequences of pain. It was a year of mistakes, anger, hurt, and waking up at dusk. Then came 2010, a year of honesty, withdrawal, apologies and blistering heat. I tried to let go in 2011, I made compromises and I made a conscious effort to love someone. Then there was 2012, the year I pursued my dreams and set foot in nearly 15 countries. It was a year of struggle between freedom and obligations. I call 2013 my favorite year. It was a year of revisiting, closure, faith and new beginnings. It was the year I decided to never settle for less than what I believed in. Then came 2014, a year of learning, unlearning and overall year of disappointment and confusion. Then there was 2015, a big year of adventures, a battle against the comfortable norm and a year of unbecoming the person I'm not...

I want to describe 2016 as a joyful year. It was rather calm and simple, it was a year where everything makes sense and fits like a puzzle...

2016 was a year of career breakthrough. I was without a job for months, I was disappointed and frustrated...until I started working for my own, and became convinced that I never wanted that 9-5 lifestyle ever again. I feel truly blessed because I didn't have to take a "leap of faith", I did not quit my job, it wasn't full of obstacle...it was just meant to be. When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window. 

2016 was a year of freedom, a year of little things and curiosities.I used to not be able to enjoy a single moments without my mind wandering onto the next thing, unless it was adrenaline-packed. I haven't traveled to any exotic lands this year and do not have any grand adventurous stories to tell. I miss it sure, but I also feel content. Being my own boss means I did not have to wait for weekends or my next vacations. I don't feel as time-constrained as I used to anymore, and it makes me more appreciative of every moment.

2016 was a year-long vow of celibacy. It wasn't anything difficult. It just felt right. I recognized that I am enough just as I am and loving yourself is meant to be enough. It was a year without postscripts. I still don't believe in endings, but I also don't believe in prolonging stories. Self-respect is hard, but it is what I have to do. I just have a tremendous amount of faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

In 2016, I start to recognize the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is fleeting and common, but integrity, honesty, community, self-expression and joy aren't. Joy is what you feel after you've told a hurtful truth, after finding out what might upset you, it is knowing you have been yourself, you've followed your heart, you have not compromised and that you've lived up to a standard you're proud of. It takes time to cultivate joy, and 2016 has borne fruits.

Last year, my resolutions were to learn to be more open-minded, to not let pride get in the way of life's most beautiful things, and be patient enough to not settle for less, and I think I did a pretty good job.

2017 won't be anything less!

Things to do in 2017

Just so silly goals for 2017, we all love lists!

-Be able to do pull ups
-Reach V7 in bouldering

Hiking
-To backpack the Great Gulf Wilderness
-To attempt to become a 46er

Travelling
-To roadtrip to Badlands, Yellowstone, Glacier, Banff and Jasper