2021

I say this every year but 2021 might be my favorite year.

It was a year about jalapeno cheetos and white wines, premixed cocktail on the road, movies in the car, coffee with a view, heavy backpacks and snicker bars, baked potatoes and campfires, mosquitoe bites and sunburns.

There were many great adventures in 2021, but what I'm most grateful for are friends. Strangely, it's the exact opposite of what I said in 2020 which was a year about being alone. I reconnected with a few friends who, despite past fights and disagreements, matter to me more than I thought.

I went back to the mountains with Johnny, just us two (and Dyno), like it used to be almost 10 years ago. We sang in the car again, sat by a river and meditated, we talked about who we used to be. I used to find him childish and annoying but, we find more points in common as we age. 

I also started climbing with Nam again. In the blink of an eye, it's been almost 6 years since we started. I probably would not have continued if it wasn't because of him. He helped me improve as a climber and as a friend, he helped me even more. 

If 2020 was winter, then 2021 was spring. I'm looking forward to summer!

Dyno is almost 3

Dyno used to be my baby, I had to take care of him and train him strictly. I wanted him to be obedient, well-trained and perfect. As he grew older, we gained some mutual understanding and he has become my best friend. I don't even want to change his imperfections anymore because that's what makes him special. A well-trained dog is great, but there is nothing like a happy dog.

There are many things I would not have done if it wasn't for him. I would probably still be working endless hours, wasting life away. He is my main motivation to get off the couch and to go on an adventure, and to live a life on my own terms. He really resembles me, he is calm, smart (ugh...yeah I call myself smart), a bit wary but generally confident. He is of course his own personality and has his shortcomings and I have mine, but the parts where we differ make us compliment each other so well. He is relaxed, and I'm mostly a stressed person. He is patient, and I'm impatient. I learn a lot from him and he always needs a little push from me.

When something bad happens to me, I look at him and think to myself, at least I have him. Nothing else matters. He's still there sleeping peacefully, always content and easily satisfied. I know exactly where my place is, I feel content and my life is full. I don't really have to do much to keep him happy, all I have to do is to be myself. 

He never complains and always willing to follow, even when I do crazy stuff like sleeping in a car, long suffering hikes, sleeping outside in the cold instead of sleeping in a warm bed. I feel less crazy with him by my side and everything is more worthwhile. I'm thankful he's here to accompany me in all my adventures and misadventures.

He is almost 3...it's bittersweet how time flies. 

Happiness In Retrospect

My worst fear has happened...for the second time. Gaspésie is really touristic and if you want to get away to see something different, you'll have to take an unbeaten path...literally. Yesterday, as I was driving to see Grotte des Fées, which is in the middle of nowhere, and way too hard to reach for what it had to offer. I hit a huge pothole on my way there, it did not feel nice, but I had no idea what it did to my tires. It was on a paved road so you would not expect that. After that pothole, I drove through 12km of nasty forest road just to see a cave that wasn't really a cave. Then, I drove another hour east to Cap-Chat.

When I got to my campsite and sat on my camping chair to relax, that's when I saw the damage to my front tire. The exterior wall of my run-flats was badly damaged. I think the interior was fine, considering the fact that I drove quite some distance after that pothole, but still too dangerous to keep on driving. I went to a garage in town and called around, it was impossible to find the size of tire that I needed. My car is not very common and my tire size doesn't even exist in winter version, just to give an idea of how hard to find it is. My best chance at finding those tires was in Quebec City which is still way too far. 

Luckily, a friend that I ignored for 2 years and that I've recently started speaking too is driving by in 2 days, and I was able to order the tire in Montreal for the next day and he can bring them to me. I thought my problem was solved, but when I decided to examine all my tires, I noticed the back tire was also damaged to a lesser extent, it had a bubble but the exterior was not torn apart like the front one. It was already past opening hours, so I had to call back in the morning and luckily, they can place the order and receive in the same day. 

I found the tires so now all that's left to do was to find a garage to change the tires. I called every single garage in town, and the next town for an appointment but all of them were booked until next week. I definitely am not staying until next week in a small town with nothing to do. I called again and offered to pay double if they open their shop earlier, and luckily, the second garage I called accepted. The nightmare isn't over until then, thoughts like what if there is a delay with the delivery of the tires, what if my friend changed his mind, what if the garage forgets our appointment, keep going through my mind... but I still tried to keep the spirit up and make the best out of my trip. 

Maybe all this was meant to happen. I was planning to hike 2 mountains that were a little intimidating. I felt some stress just thinking about it. Maybe there is a greater force that did not want me to go. I'm unlucky but also so lucky that my friend was driving by exactly 2 days later, not the next day so I had time to order my tires. I'm lucky that I got back in touch with that friend. Also, he wasn't coming for me specifically, he is off to another destination and I happen to be on his way, so he accepted to ship me my tires. There couldn't be a better timing, everything happens for a reason.

So for the next couple of days, while I waited,  I took it slow, explored a rocky beach, found a sandy section. I sat there and observed birds, I even saw a whale. It's amazing how those magnificent creatures are just nearby, makes me think how my problems are so minor compared to the magnitude of life and how deep this river really is. Things aren't all perfect, and problems arise inevitably but things are also aligned so that I can solve those problems. I'm so grateful. 

At least, Dyno is here to keep me company.

In retrospect, those couple of days in Cap-Chat were probably my favorite days of my trip to Gaspesie. 

2020

2020 was mostly a year about being alone. 

It seems like everyone in my life has become toxic in some way. Desperate ones that try to make themselves appear more interesting at the expense of friends, self-loathing ones that can't get over minor issues that have consumed their entire existence, complaining ones that have not figured out they are themselves the biggest obstacle to their own success, the passionate ones that talk about accomplishing things but never actually took the first real step, misfortunate ones that cannot accept responsibility for their own misery, narcissist ones with enough backbone to walk but not enough to speak, it's all about themselves. They talk and talk, over and over again.

Most people are unhappy, and depend on others, most don't have the ressources or the options to be any different. Most never thought that far ahead. If I find everyone toxic, then maybe I am the toxic one for having no empathy and no patience at all towards my friends. Most of them have never really done anything wrong to me, but hearing about their same cycle of miseries, complaints, resolutions and the reasons why  they can't after all, just drains my energy. I can't deal with emotional vampires anymore. 

People are generally complicated, toxic and unsafe. I'd rather be alone than being with people that make me feel alone. I'm all about minimalism, and I've got to declutter people from my life. It can be lonely at times, but the peace is priceless. Minimalism has created space around me but also made space in my mind, and has cured me. 

I'm not saying I'm immune to humanity's stupidity, because I do have my moments.

People often wonder if I'm scared to go into the wilderness on my own, there is so much uncertainty in its vastness. It's an untamed and unpredictable place of solitude and searching, yet the only place where I know I belong, and where I can stand alone. Ironically, the time we feel most lonely is the time we most need to be on our own. It's a time we need to learn to seek shelter in our internal wilderness. It will not get less scary, but you'll get more comfortable being scared. 

Although, life has slowed down since Covid-19, I still think 2020 might be one of my best year so far. Most people think there is nothing to do with everything closed down, but this is the time you should really invest in yourself and learn some new skills that can serve you in the future. This year also brought me a lot of clarity and certainty. Those answers you want to know the most, you will never know until you gamble. And this year, I found a lot of answers I always wanted to know.

In stock trading, we learn to cut losses when the price isn't going in our direction. When a loss isn't cut fast enough, a small loss can quickly turn into a bigger loss. You might hold and hope that things magically work out in your favor, which it almost never does. Your capital is tied up while it could be better invested elsewhere. 

In order to achieve that, we must change our reaction and in that case, it would be the fear of losing. You repeat and practice so many times that you accept losing subconsciously. You need to cut your losers and train your mind to have a long-term mindset in order to win. I think that applies in all areas of life.

"Elaine, when you want something, you always make it happen. Perhaps, this time, this is not what you want deep down"

Let things be

Let things be

but I knew this all along

I'm not made for serenity

There is no tranquil water in me

I am full of contradictions

I am large 

and I contain multitudes