Some words can be forgiven but never forgotten. The truth does hurt sometimes, but who can I blame. So many years of healing and trying to piece yourself back together, so many lies told to project the image of a good person...why am going back now. These feelings of shame and worthlessness come back from time to time. These habits of trying to please. Somedays I'm hurt, somedays I'm unfazed and dissociated..

Averted vision

I suspect there is something inherently misguided and self-defeating and hopeless about any deliberate campaign to achieve happiness. Perhaps the reason we so often experience happiness only in hindsight, and that chasing it is such a fool’s errand, is that happiness isn’t a goal in itself but is only an aftereffect. It’s the consequence of having lived in the way that we’re supposed to — by which I don’t mean ethically correctly so much as just consciously, fully engaged in the business of living. In this respect it resembles averted vision, a phenomena familiar to backyard astronomers whereby, in order to pick out a very faint star, you have to let your gaze drift casually to the space just next to it; if you look directly at it, it vanishes. And it’s also true, come to think of it, that the only stars we ever see are not the “real” stars, those cataclysms taking place in the present, but always only the light of the untouchable past. 

-Tim Kreider

you don't want to know
that I'm human
that I ache when I laugh

and who cares
I'm nothing but trash
collecting yesterday

falling for darkness
who knew it would be so
addicting

and I know it will wither me
and one day I will go crazy
left high and blank

when that day finally comes

I will quit my addiction
but for now let me be

Yesterday

Life is too hard and I terribly miss yesterday.

Listen to the Musn'ts

Listen to the Musn'ts child, 
Listen to the Don'ts. 
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, 
the Impossibles, the Won'ts. 
Listen to the Never Haves, 
then Listen close to me-
ANYthing can happen, child, 
ANYthing can Be.

Two coins

we're two coins
wrought from the same template
we are fate

when the starlight was young
we lived and breathed fire
you were my favorite sinner

the days tricked into years
we're worlds and dimensions apart
ironically standing at the same crossroad

Pain

Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame. 

Pain is an inextricable thread in the fabric of life, and to tear it out is not only impossible, but destructive: attempting to tear it out unravels everything else with it. To try to avoid pain is to give too many fucks about pain. In contrast, if you’re able to not give a fuck about the pain, you become unstoppable.

-Mark Manson

Vulnerable

Boundaries do not defend us; they trap us inside our inner prisons. You have to be able to accept that your heart will eventually break, and you must sometimes be brave enough to do it yourself...but you know you will always have the ability to build yourself back up and not let those experience jade you.

It takes years of learning and unlearning, peeling off layers of ego and profound openness to be vulnerable enough to be truly human. Today, I can confidently say that being able to be vulnerable is the greatest strength I have ever felt in my entire life.

Tête-à-tête with Jackie: The different types

"Do you know sometimes you can like a person, but other times, you like the idea of a person, or like the idea to be with that person, or like the feeling of liking that person without actually liking that person, or even like to be that person and want to be with them to be introduced to their world, so you can become them and in turn project that same lifestyle and image to others? It's fucking crazy, but it gets blurry as you age...if you don't question it, you will become a prisoner of false ideals and common thoughts."

I have arms now!

@Bloc Shop

I've been wanting to gain some muscles on my upper body just doing bouldering and finally, oh my god, I'm finally starting to see some results. Look at my arms :D

Tête-à-tête with Jackie: Authenticity

"Sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I think about him."

"What do you mean?"

"Just my face...it reminds me of him."

"Hmm...I wonder why."

"I think it's because when you like someone, you subconsciously, or even consciously, want to look like them. You want to be passionate about what they are passionate about, you want to spend time doing what they are doing, you like their favorite color, you like driving at sunset because they used to like it too, you spend time outdoors because you want to see what they see...you become them in a way...that's why it reminds you of them to look at yourself in the mirror."

"Waw, so well said! Can you write it down? I'll quote you."

"...I don't mean only people you loved, but I believe every single person who passes through your life leaves a part of themselves ingrained in you. In other words, you're the result of everybody you've met...Authenticity is sometimes very ironic."

Almost, part 2

The greatest word
in the whole wide world
is the word almost.
We almost never met.
She almost gave up.
He almost never tried.
They almost failed.
We're almost there!

Almost, part 1

The saddest word
in the whole wide world
is the word almost.
He was almost in love.
She was almost good for him.
He almost stopped her.
She almost waited.
He almost lived.
They almost made it.

-Tiny stories

Tête-à-tête with Jackie: Love at first sight

"Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"Yeah of course, the chances are very slim...but it definitely can happen. Depending on how long it lasts, it can be called infatuation. There's also attraction at first sight, hate at first sight, etc...I guess, too many people don't know the difference."

"Me too...but so many people say it's not possible if you don't know a person. The thing is, nobody knows anything important about anybody in reality. What do you think about people saying that love at first sight is an insult to people who have worked hard to build something together for years?"

"That's not love...it's more like attachment, comfort, friendship, mutual need fulfillment, empathy, partnership, or whatever it is...but love is not logical like that, you don't check off a list of criteria, it doesn't matter if you know them. Those people definitely are innocent of true passion. Sure, you can take years to develop a relationship with someone and love them very much...but can you really say you're in love?"

"I completely agree. Love comes before societal norms, facts, real life experience and lessons. I'm not saying that's how it works in real life...but when it happens, you just know. It just doesn't happen very often nowadays...we just have so much going on in our minds as we grow older."

"I'm so happy that someone agree!"

"You're the only one who understand!"

":)"

"In reality, we're the only two dumb asses, haha"

Tête-à-tête with Jackie: Settling for less

"She said the reason why we're all still single is because we didn't settle for less...but do you imagine? Now we say that, but once we reach our 30s, we'll start settling for anything that's not so bad, haha"

"Well...she might, but I know you well enough to know that you certainly won't"

"I don't know...I guess I probably won't"

Faith

The only way to reach enlightenment is for one to jump blindly into the unknown, and for one to jump blindly into the unknown they would have to be either insane or have a lot of faith.

-Thích Nhất Hạnh

Female emotion

Female emotion isn’t seen as ‘safe’ or even normal, but hidden away in bathrooms and bed covers. Female rage even less so, hardly acknowledged, never honored. My rage is so strong it shatters me – and I know I need to pick up the pieces again. My sadness is a clear message that this is not it. I am brave, and vulnerable, and honest and real. That is who I am. So I pack my bags and head for the hills. I am free – always free – to follow this call. 

- Paper Castle Press

Little lion man

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep, little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself
Take all the courage you have left
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

10 years after graduation

There is something about those wrinkles, something about the beliefs and worries, something in their rigorousness and passion, and trying to find a balance. There is something about those people who believe in education and those who work on improving children's chances for better future. I think those are the people with the biggest heart.

I miss tax season

It's tax season, but I'm not doing taxes anymore.

...not sure why I miss those days working until late hours with my team, getting on each other's nerves, telling pathetic jokes in an attempt to make each other laugh, our trips to Starbucks, eating ordered pizza in an empty dining room, looking out the window from one of the tallest skyscrapers in busy Montreal on a cold evening.

It is one of the reasons why I've quit...but those might also be among the many moments I miss most.