Why am I not surprised?

Last night I talked to TJ on video chat until 4 am...it was fun because he was so turned on. I find that funny how guys are so easily turned on. I just flashed my boobs at him for a millisecond and he got all excited. Hehe just kidding, I didn't do that…but that's the worst, because I only showed him my naked face. Anyways I wouldn’t enjoy being a guy…because it's more difficult to hide hahaha...man, what am I talking about right now. Ok actually nothing much happened...just the usual stuff you know. But here's an "interesting" part of the conversation.

On the phone at 4 am:

TJ: Come over, I'll pay for the cab. Me: No you come over and I'll pay for your cab. TJ: Seriously? Me: Okay, but if you come here, what are we going to do? **I read your mind. TJ: What do you want to do? **Goddamn, that was my question! That’s what he’s good at. When he doesn’t want to answer my question, he’ll answer by asking the same question…pshhh. Me: Well, we are not going to do anything dude, I'm not completely healed from my infection. TJ: ... Me: Now you don't want to come here anymore, huh? TJ: Noooo it's not that, I wasn't only thinking about sex…but I would come if it were 2 hours earlier. **No, it’s not that but this and that….uh yeah.

Tsk Tsk... I don't even want to say this anymore because I say it way too often. But JESUS!

Anyways I don't want to waste my time to analyse that shit, but you can tell I don't believe him. No matter how late or early it was, if I said I wanted to suck his dick, for how much you bet he would still come here asap?

No, DUH!

I don't hate TJ at all, I really don't but...kind or mean, smart or dumb, tall or short, hot or not, penises are not brains and men are still men. It's like an handicap they cannot control, so I don't blame them.

...it just gets really boring!

The end of the world

Whenever she tells me she's depressed and that she can't eat...I’d think in my head...gosh aren't you dumb? Are you dying? Is it the end of the world? There are people dying right now...perhaps right next door and you are here, healthy but not eating because of some foolish shit?

But on the other hand, I envy her. I envy her because at least she still knows how it is to be upset. It was fun to go crazy because I-don't-know-who didn't call when he was supposed to call. It was fun to be angry at some stupid shit that XYZ did. It was fun to not be able to sleep because of one word that some motherfucker said. It was fun to be jealous of some ugly whore he was sitting next to in class. It was fun to bitch about little random things between girls. It was fun to cry because some asshole cheated. It was fun to be sick to the point of not being able to eat for days. It was fun when it still hurt. It was fun when tears and blood did not dry up yet.

I laugh when I think about how innocent and shallow I were. Everyday felt like the end of the world because of some childish things, and that was the daily life of any normal little girl. That day, it was the end of the world..but that was when I felt most alive. Then everything just suddenly became nothing. It's actually worth celebrating if you still know what tears taste like. You can try to use glue, tape and staples but things will never look the same ever again.

No one wants to care

I feel homesick these days. It's not that there is something I miss about Montreal, except maybe my bed. It's because I have health issues and I'm really worried (it's not the infection)...I don't really know what to do. It's hard. It's hard to not be able to tell anyone. Everyone here wants to have fun, who wants to be bothered with your problems. No one wants to care. I wouldn't care if it's not because I know that some people care. And because those people care, I can't tell them either. How would I dare to make them worried. I just can't tell anyone. Sometimes I really wonder what I'm living for. How can someone that detached from life still be living. I tried to think of something I miss in Montreal, and all I can think of is my bed and Mcdonald's poutine...which I probably can live without. The worst is whenever someone asks me what I like to do...I never know what to answer because I don't have anything to answer...and that's when I feel most stupid. I do love myself, but I don't know in what sense, because I don't think I'll even be sad for myself if anything bad happens to me. I only take care of myself because I don't want to make my parents worry. I'm at school because my parents expect a lot from me. There is nothing I love in montreal, but I still live there for my parents. I do things wrong and I don't need to face anyone but my parents. Can you believe? I always thought I lived for myself until today, because I'm not scared of dying and I won't feel sorry, I'm just scared that parents will be sad for someone like me. It's weird to say this but honestly, my friends and boyfriend can live without me, and I could live without anyone, but my parents can't live without me.

Sometimes I wished they didn't care...so I won't need to care either.

I got my eyelids done

I got my eyelids done last week. It’s no big deal. People who have never seen my naked face will probably not be able to tell the difference. Basically, my eyes are more equal and slightly bigger.

On my way there, I kept thinking, am I doing this for real? What did my mom eat to be able to give birth to a crazy daughter like me?! My parents don’t know that yet, but I’m open about it. It's not really a secret.

People ask me why I want to get my eyelids done. You know what? It’s really not that I think I’m not pretty and it’s absolutely not because I lack of self-esteem. No girls will ever think of themselves as TOO pretty. I can love myself to death, but I'm still realistic. You can compare this to the fact that no one will think they have too much money. I’m not going in details, you can read this post if you are that curious.

That's my eye on the fifth day:

I love my new eyes.
Be jealous!

Chris' comeback failed

Chris texted me this morning and asked me to go to his motel room. That dude haven't called me for like 3 weeks and now just out of nowhere calls me to the motel at 9 in the morning? Did the girl from last night left and now it's my turn or what. Even if he's busy at work, he can't be busy enough to not even be able to find 2 minutes to call me, right? Screw that guy.

TJ called

Yesterday night…or morning, TJ called around 5. I wasn’t sleeping super well because of the infection so yes, I picked up. Ok ok, the truth is that I was about to txt to tell him to call later if he’s still alive because he went drinking, but in the end I decided to not send. If he wants to call he’ll call, y'know…if he doesn’t want to call, he’ll “forget” even if I remind him 10 times.

He came by and we just talked and cuddled for 2 hours. It was time to eat breakfast when he left. I kind of find that hard to understand. You gotta tell me. I know I wanted him to call so I shouldn’t complain, but why the hell does he have to call me when he’s drunk? And why the hell does he always come see me during abnormal hours? HUH? Am I really that abnormal? Anyways. Whatever. At least, I know he didn’t come here to fuck because he knows about my infection.

...ok ok, he was just tipsy, not drunk.

He’s not that cute, he’s not that handsome, he’s not that tall but I like being with him. I don’t know him that much and he might be just an asshole but, he never made me feel stupid. Sometimes I won’t even need to tell him and he would already know. He knows a lot. I kind of giggle to myself when I think about him…like right now. But for some reasons, when I think about TJ, I'd think about P too. Every time TJ hugs me, I'd remember how P hugged me too. Yeah yeah, no need to remind me that one of them wants to make me feel good and the other one just don't care...as if it takes lots of energy to hug me for 1 more second. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it’s hard to not think. I can't help but think...why is TJ so good and P is such an ass and why do I have to think of a stupid goose-like sloth-looking motherfucker like him.

It’s weird how I meet the most fantastic people abroad, which I should be very happy about, but I cannot bring them home with me.

By the way, it's a kind of uterus infection that I have. I'm taking pills so I kind of feel better these days.

..on the news.

I went to the hospital and I have to wait 2 hours to see the result. They said it doesn't look like yeast infection and it might be something else, so I did that test and now I'm waiting. I'm really scared and I kind of regret...Yesterday I was thinking if I really had to die young, then what would I do? and where would I want to die? Would I tell my parents or would I just disappear without a word? Foolish questions, right? We see that on the news everyday but it always seemed like it's not connected to "the real world". People in "the real world" worry about whether their heels will hurt or not, whether there's enough alcohol for the party, whether their stylist will do a good job, if not then how the hell are they going to make their hair grow faster, whether that guy will notice them in that dress, whether they will take summer courses or not, whether they'll skip class or not, whether they'll get A or F and it's oh so the end of the world!

I wish I could just worry about whether I should get boob job or not.