That time I slept with my mom in a car for a month

Yes I did. Me and my mom living in a car for a month...with a dog.

We drove to Yellowstone, a place where I always wanted to visit. Then we went to the canyons in Utah. Lastly, we climbed some mountains in Colorado. 

Travelling with my mom was difficult. It's like having a job. I have to translate for her, I have to be her photographer, I have to be a travel guide and I almost have to supervise her. Sometimes, I forget that she is getting older, but also she is not that old...not old enough to forget closing car doors and to misplace important stuff all the time. 

Needless to say, being at such close proximity with my mom for a month has been stressful. I hardly enjoyed a moment because I always have to snap pictures of her so she can show off on social media. I always have to answer her questions to which she knows the answer to. I have to hear her repeating the same conversation on her phone. Yes, I'm dressing warm. Yes, we're two hours ahead, Yes, it's safe.

This trip has made me see my mom as an individual. She can be so selfish sometimes. One time, we were at a place without reception and she just wandered off for an hour without telling me. I couldn't leave because she would not be able to find me. Good for her that she is enjoying herself but I was pissed for a couple of days. 

At the same time, I'm glad my mom wants to do what I like to do. I don't know many 60 year old moms who want to sleep in a car for 1 month, explore slot canyons and climb mountains. I'm also proud of her for learning new things. I know those are great memories that I will look back on, and I will miss those moments after all. Dyno sleeping on our feet, aspen trees, twisty mountain roads, iced coffees, hot canyons, geysers, cold mornings, dunkin donuts, audiobooks, the joy of having clean toilets at truck stops, the feeling of a nice shower after a long sticky day...

My favorite places were probably Wild Horse Canyon and Corona Arch. We were there early, we were alone and could scream without anyone hearing. I also loved the Goblins in Utah, it made me feel like I was in a video game. My least favorite places are the national parks overlooks where you see people in hiking boots and hiking poles on a 15-minute walk. It's so pretentious. I also didn't like Antelope island in Salt Lake...I've never seen so many mosquitoes in my life. The most stupid thing I did was probably sitting too close to the canyon edge for a picture. The funniest thing was mistaking a garbage can for a bear and running to a toilet to hide.

I really love road trips, I love early mornings and I love sleeping in cars. I hope to do this every year.

Favorite quotes of 2023

“things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully” - A Little Life (Hanya Yanagihara)

“he was so desperate to move away from the life he was in, the life he'd had; he wanted to be someone whom no one knew and who knew no one” - A Little Life (Hanya Yanagihara)

“What do you call a heart that is simultaneously full and breaking? Maybe there's no word for it, but for some reason, it makes me think of rain falling through sunlight”. - Upgrade (Blake Crouch)

“Well, when you wonder something, doesn’t that mean part of you wants to believe in it? I think we want to prove things, in life, more than we want to disprove them. We want to believe.” - Vicious (V. E. Schwab)

“all roads lead to something you were always predestined to do.”- A Man Called Ove (Fredrik Backman)

“There’s something called the Law of Truly Large Numbers . Get a big enough sample size , outrageous things are bound to happen. - Pretty Girls (Karin Slaughter)

“I hate him for not taking care of himself. And I love him for living his life on his own terms.” - The Good Daughter (Karin Slaughter)

“I am writing because they told me to never start a sentence with because. But I wasn’t trying to make a sentence— I was trying to break free. Because freedom, I am told, is nothing but the distance between the hunter and its prey.” - On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (Ocean Vuong)

“The monarchs that fly south will not make it back north. Each departure, then, is final. Only their children return; only the future revisits the past.” - On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (Ocean Vuong)

“I was a trial to my poor mamma, too. The love, it comes in the beginning of her life and at the end of yours.” - The Four Winds (Kristin Hannah)

“Wild. A lover of cruel beauty and splendid isolation.” - The Great Alone (Kristin Hannah)

“As your father would say, it’s time for you either to shit or get off the pot.” - Kisscut (Karin Slaughter)

“Sometimes you don’t see what you’re not looking for.” - Beyond Reach (Karin Slaugher)

“You’re supposed to look like a mistake. What you really look like is a little piece of Earth come to life.” - Emergency Skin (N. K. Jemisin)

“I once read somewhere that if your mind continuously returns to the same person over and over again, it means that they’re thinking of you as well.” -Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke and Other Misfortunes (Eric LaRocca)

“Corny, I know. But fuck it. Nobody else will read this journal. If I want to be corny, I will. Aren’t we all corny in our thoughts? Aren’t we corny with the ones we love? We’re just too afraid to say it to others for fear of embarrassment.” - Look Closer (David Ellis)

“I talked to all kinds of therapists, who explained to me that we look at suicide through this prism of control. We think we can control other things and other people. So when someone we love takes their own life, we think we could have stopped it. We think we had control, and we blew it. We are so unwilling to give up this notion that we control things and people around us that we’d rather feel guilt over the suicide than admit that we didn’t have that control in the first place.” - Look Closer (David Ellis)

“Because now I’m doing it. The time for worrying, obsessing, debating, second-guessing, is over. It’s liberating, I must say, to be done with the conflict. Now I can focus.” - Look Closer (David Ellis)

“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” - The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)

“When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. There is no act more wretched than stealing.” - The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.” - The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)

“She is trying, and trying has become easier.” - The Push (Ashley Audrain)

“It’s a trait I learned as a kid— don’t get too close or too comfortable— because whenever I did, I was uprooted and had to start all over again.” - Unmasked (Paul Holes)

“Sometimes a thought is closer to truth, to reality, than an action. You can say anything, you can do anything, but you can’t fake a thought.” - I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“How much is truly unforgettable? Part of everything will always be forgettable. No matter how good or remarkable it is. It literally has to be. To be.” - I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“Like, why isn’t the tail an important part of the lamb? How much of you can fall off before something important is lost?” - I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“It does seem like there’s more opportunity to reflect on sadness and feelings of inadequacy, and also a pressure to be happy all the time.” - I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“But isn’t being alone closer to the truest version of ourselves, when we’re not linked to another, not diluted by their presence and judgments? We form relationships with others, friends, family. That’s fine. Those relationships don’t bind the way love does. We can still have lovers, short-term. But only when alone can we focus on ourselves, know ourselves. How can we know ourselves without this solitude?”- I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“Even considering the data that shows the majority of marriages don’t last, people still think marriage is the normal human state. Most people want to get married. Is there anything else that people do in such huge numbers, with such a terrible success rate?”- I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“Maybe that’s how we know when a relationship is real. When someone else previously unconnected to us knows us in a way never thought or believed possible.” - I'm Thinking of Ending Things (Iain Reid)

“How many people live day to day in a kind of haze, moving from one thing to the next without ever feeling anything? Being busy without ever being absorbed or excited or renewed?” - Foe (Iain Reid)

“Habitual, comfortable activity is the worst kind of prison, because the bars are concealed. You can never learn anything that way.”- Foe (Iain Reid)

“I would just go. I wouldn’t spell it out. Not explaining myself is more powerful. Why should the onus be on me to explain myself? It should be on him to try to figure out what happened. I would still leave a note, though. A note with his name on it. But it would be blank. There would be nothing there. It would say nothing and everything at the same time. What could be more explicit than that?” - Foe (Iain Reid)

“Beauty isn’t fleeting. Beauty is eternal. But . . . I’m not. I’m fleeting.” - Foe (Iain Reid)

“I can barely conceive of a type of beauty in which there is no melancholy.” - Foe (Iain Reid)

“No. They stay together because it’s expected, because it’s what they know. They try to make it work, to endure it, and end up living under some kind of spiritual anesthetic. They go on, but they are numb. And the more I think about, the more I think there’s nothing worse than to live your life this way. Detached, but abiding. It’s immoral.” - Foe (Iain Reid)

All the books I read in 2023

Last year, I decided to trade my screen time with reading time. I used to love books as a child but compulsary readings in high school made me hate it. I started reading again in the past couple of years but only maybe 5 books in average per year. 

At first, I only planned on reading for an hour each day before bedtime. I never would have thought that it would become so addicting that I started reading all day everyday. I even kind of neglected work a bit. Sometimes, I think that if I was in prison, I would still be happy if I had that much free time to read. 

Here are the 103 books I read this year!

1. All the Ugly and Wonderful Things - Bryn Greenwood
2. A Good Girl's Guide to Murder - Holly Jackson
3. Good Girl, Bad Blood - Holly Jackson
4. As Good As Dead - Holly Jackson
5. The Silent Patient - Alex Michaelides
6. Verity - Colleen Hoover
7. One of Us Is Lying - Karen M. McManu
8. No Exit - Taylor Adams
9. The House Across the Lake - Riley Sager
10. The Housemaid - Freida McFadden
11. The Cruel Prince - Holly Black
12. The Housemaid's Secret - Freida McFadden
13. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - Taylor Jenkins Reid
14. Lock Every Door - Riley Sager
15. We Were Liars - E. Lockhart
16. Final Girls - Riley Sager
17. Home Before Dark - Riley Sager
18. Carrie Soto Is Back - Taylor Jenkins Reid
19. Five Survive - Holly Jackson
20. The Last Time I Lied - Riley Sager
21. A Little Life - Hanya Yanagihara
22. Penpal - Dathan Auerbach
23. Daisy Jones & The Six - Taylor Jenkins Reid
24. Survive the Night - Riley Sager
25. Petrified Women - Jeremy Ray
26. My Dark Vanessa - Kate Elizabeth Russell
27. A Flicker in the Dark - Stacy Willingham
28. The Summer I Died - Ryan C. Thomas
29. Dark Matter - Blake Crouch
30. Jar of Hearts - Jennifer Hillier
31. Rock Paper Scissors - Alice Feeney
32. Project Hail Mary - Andy Weir
33. Recursion - Blake Crouch
34. The Last One Left - Riley Sager
35. Upgrade - Blake Crouch
36. Local Woman Missing - Mary Kubica
37. The Girl Next Door - Jack Ketchum
38. Vicious - V. E. Schwab
39. A Man Called Ove - Fredrik Backman
40. The Butcher - Jennifer Hillier
41. Pretty Girls - Karin Slaughter
42. A Monster Calls - Patrick Ness
43. Little Secrets - Jennifer Hillier
44. The Kind Worth Killing - Peter Swanson
45. The Nightingale - Kristin Hannah
46. Toxic - Judith Sonnet
47. Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
48. Kill Joy - Holly Jackson
49. Heartstopper Volume 1 - Alice Oseman
50. Heartstopper Volume 2 - Alice Oseman
51. Heartstopper Volume 3 - Alice Oseman
52. Heartstopper Volume 4 - Alice Oseman
53. Heartstopper mini comics - Alice Oseman
54. Confessions - Kanae Minato
55. Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng
56. The Good Daughter - Karin Slaughter
57. The Passengers - John Marrs
58. The Four Winds - Kristin Hannah
59. Almond - Sohn Won-pyung
60. The Egg - Andy Weir
61. We Spread - Iain Reid
62. Gone to See the River Man - Kristopher Triana
63. Tender Is the Flesh - Agustina Bazterrica
64. False witness - Karin Slaughter
65. Then She Was Gone - Lisa Jewell
66. Pines - Blake Crouch
67. Kindred - Octavia E. Butler
68. Wayward - Blake Crouch
69. The Last Town - Blake Crouch
70. Flowers for Algernon - Daniel Keyes
71. I'm Glad My Mom Died - Jennette McCurdy
72. Things We Do in the Dark - Jennifer Hillier
73. Wonderland - Jennifer Hillier
74. The Great Alone - Kristin Hannah
75. Blindsighted - Karin Slaughter
76. None of This Is True - Lisa Jewell
77. Kisscut - Karin Slaughter
78. A Faint Cold Fear - Karin Slaughter
79. Indelible - Karin Slaughter
80. Faithless - Karin Slaughter
81. Beyond reach - Karin Slaughter
82. Emergency Skin - N. K. Jemisin
83. For The Sake Of - Judith Sonnet
84. Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke - Eric LaRocca
85. Zola by D.E. McCluskey
86. Foster - Claire Keegan
87. Summer Frost - Blake Crouch
88. The Last Conversation - Paul Tremblay
89. You Have Arrived at Your Destination - Amor Towles
90. Night - Elie Wiesel
91. Crossroads - Laurel Hightower
92. Kim Ji-young, Born 1982 - Cho Nam-ju
93. Look Closer - David Ellis
94. Saving Noah - Lucinda Berry
95. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
96. Triptych - Karin Slaughter
97. Push - Ashley Audrain
98. Burner - Robert Ford
99. The Good Lie - A. R. Torre
100. I'm Thinking of Ending Things - Iain Reid
101. The Writing Retreat - Julia Bartz
102. This is Where We Talk Things Out - Caitlin Marceau
103. Foe - Iain Reid

2022

I say this every year but 2022 might be my favorite year. 

Exactly 10 years ago in 2012, I was working a 9-to-5 as a junior auditor, dating a guy I didn't love, spent my time with fake friends, wasted money on materialistic goods, and never spent a day outdoors. Surprisingly, that year was also the year I left travelling alone from East Asia all the way to Turkey and lived in a suitcase for 3 months. There was something calling me, and perhaps it's the person I wanted to become. It feels like I've been practicing my whole life for 2022 and things finally make sense. I'm thankful for every little nuch and bump on the road, however important or insignifiant, that pushed me toward the right direction at every fork.

This year, I've quit social media where everyone is always creating background noise and emitting negative energy. However isolating it might be, I need authenticity, retreat and focus on myself. I also love that feeling when no one knows where you are.

This year, I've drove across the country, climbed mountains, walked through glaciers, canyons and many awe-inspiring landscapes, and lived out of my car. I lived life fully as it came to me. It was a good reminder of what truly matters in life. When you're fully immersed in the moment, life feels eternal. I want to live more moments like these.

This year, I've embarked on a spiritual journey. I've been practicing gratitude, exploring the non-physical parts of this world and the power of manifestation. Throughout my life, I've been shown the proof that it does exist and it works. Whenever I think about something hard enough, no matter how unlikely it is, it will happen. It's pretty magical.

This year, I'm proud of myself for becoming who I always meant to become. I've come to term with the fact that I will always be alone, and I belong so fully to myself  that I can stand tall in a wilderness where most would see as an untamed and unpredictable place of solitude. Although unconventional in a society where being in some sort of partnership is the standard, this is what truly makes me thrive and blossom.

This year, my goals are clearer than ever and I'm more motivated than ever to achieve them in 2023. For 2023, I need more authenticity, serenity, and more moments that feel like life is eternal. I want to do more of things I like, like hiking, rock climbing, and other things that truly matter, including simple long walks with my dog and my mom. 

Car crash

I went camping Sunday night on a mountain. This will sound cliche, but I had an unexplained uneasy feeling. I debated whether I should go or not. It was my mom's idea, but she felt sick last minute. She slightly felt better Sunday morning, so we decided to go anyway. I wasn't having a great time on the summit, and that was really unlike me. It was really cold, and we kept hearing human noises even though we were the only ones on the mountain. It was not hard to access this summit, somebody could climb to the top in under an hour at night. It made me paranoiac. I don't even know if I slept at all, I was in my REM sleep for a long time. I kept dreaming of people walking by our tent with flashlights and attacking us. 

Finally the sun rose, I was looking forward to go back home in the warmth of my bed. As I was driving back home Monday morning, all relaxed on cruise control on the highway's left lane, my car was struck diagonally from the right at full speed. The car was in my blind spot so I only saw it after it struck me and even then, I was so confused. It took a moment to realize what had happened. It was so sudden and out of nowhere.

I've had a number of car accidents in the past...but never like this one. If the other car was a truck, or if I was in a motorcycle, or even if I was in a smaller car, or if there was something else on my left side, I would've been seriously injured if not dead. I'm still in a bit of a shock, it put me in the shoes of people who have seen their lives change in the split of a second for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

All of this because the person who caused this stupidly fell asleep at the wheel.

You endure a mix of emotions and go through so many scenarios in your head. You keep thinking, if I didn't stop by the Tim Hortons to get coffee, if I woke up earlier, if I just stayed home, if I drove slightly faster or slower, etc....this wouldn't have happened. But of course, none of this matter.

I'm still a little pissed, scared and sad about all of this, but above all, I'm actually really grateful my dog and my mom are safe. Gratitude is imperfect sometimes.

West Quest

After a month spent on the road, I'm finally back. I was looking forward to be home, clean everything, have a hot shower, give Dyno a bath and finally sleep on my bed. So much work and effort are required when you live in a car, from getting gas, getting food, doing laundry, getting water, keeping things organized and clean-ish, planning where to sleep and what to do the next day, and before you realize, half of the day has flown by. We don't realize how we have it easy when we have toilets and running water. 

Now that I'm back, I can't wait until my next road trip. Dyno really enjoyed it and I find it made him more confident. He's such an agile, vigilant and friendly dog that he's the perfect travel and hiking partner.

I planned the first 3 days of my trip in advance just to slowly ease myself into it. After that, I just went with the flow, things went well and people were really nice. There were so many people who approached and talked to me, mostly because of Dyno of course. It made me less negative and more tolerant in general. I felt the need to smile more, not let the few unpleasant interactions ruin my day, and I feel rewarded for doing nice things when I see the most beautiful sunrise warming up the foggy grassy landscape in my rearview mirror.

There were some rainy days at the beginning of my trip, so I did not see everything I planned to see. Things don't always go as planned, and they are better that way. I trust that life always turns out the way it's meant to be. Ontario's route around the lakes was the longest stretch to me, I was so sick of the twists and turns, ups and downs, the lack of passing lanes and people not driving at constant speed, and the worst is there were not even enough places to get coffee. I've also noticed how people suddenly speed up when you try to pass them. Gas stations with normal modern pumps are not frequent in that region. Usually, after a day of driving in Ontario, I'm mentally drained.

On the last day in Ontario, I skipped every stop due to heavy rain the whole day. I stopped at Pukaskwa National Park after the rain finally stopped.  I had to cook something in the parking lot, it was hectic, I was hungry and I kept forgetting things. Then, I couldn't even eat on the trail because there were so many flies and mosquitoes. I did the hike in under an hour and just wanted to get back in my car quickly. When we got to an intersection, Dyno wanted to go the other way, it was another short trail. I feel like Dyno is trying to remind me to slow down and enjoy the view. There is no rush, we're doing just fine. He does this often, he always wants to check out the view. He knows what matters in life.

People always say how boring, long and flat Manitoba and Saskatchewan are, but surprisingly, I really enjoyed the road and the sights. It felt good to just drive straight on a 4-lane highway. It saves so much mental energy. I really enjoyed the landscape as well, the sand dunes, cliffs, badlands, buttes, etc. I also started seeing more wildlife, including a dead bear cub on the side of the highway, jack rabbits that I thought were some kind of mystical creatures from afar, elks hanging outside a hotel, etc.

I couldn't believe it when I finally arrived in the Rockies, the mountains are so beautiful that it made me cry. I woke up around 4-5 am each day to beat the traffic on hiking trails and enjoy some serenity before the crowd woke up because Banff is so busy.  I once got to the parking lot of Lake Louise at 5h30am and got the very last spot, just to give an idea of how busy it was. Most tourists don't do anything too strenuous so it wasn't hard to enjoy some alone time either. I end most days early since I wake up so early, and my favorite thing to do is having a cold drink, edit some pictures, read, write or watch a movie in my car while Dyno chews a bullystick and relaxes.

One thing I forgot to pack was bear spray, and being such an early bird, it could've been bad. I did the other things that were recommended, such as talking, which you quickly run out of things to say when you're alone, or just obnoxiously playing some music on my phone. Some mornings I really get scared when I see bear scat right in the middle of the trail. Luckily, I never encountered one, but I will definitely be more responsible next time. 

I've noticed how I've become more risk-adverse with age. I used to do some of the most difficult hikes that last 13 hours on some cliffs, in the dark and under the rain, but I now think twice before I do anything that is not even half as hard. I guess courage takes practice and time to build up and you can loose it if you don't practice for a while. I had to look back on my past hikes to give myself some encouragement and confidence. Anyone can be brainwashed after two years of people telling you to stay home, and how unsafe the world out there is. 

From Banff, I took the Icefield Parkway to Jasper. I always imagined I needed more time in Jasper, but quite honestly, all the mountains, glaciers and lakes look the same after a while, regardless of how beautiful everything might be. I was ready to move on and do some more driving. From Jasper, I drove to Wells Gray, Kamloops, Golden Ears and lastly Vancouver. Perhaps British Columbia is the province I enjoyed the least. The wild fires kept following me everywhere I went, I had the most number of negative encounters, the traffic made me loose my patience, the weather was hot, and the worst of all is that I accidentally ran over a mountain chicken with my car. I had to tell myself that I will have a good day every morning to attract positive energy.

On my way back, I stopped for a few more days in the Rockies before saying goodbye for real. I will miss those mountains. After leaving the Rockies, I drove 8 to 9 hours a day for 5 days, excluding breaks and traffic delays. It flew by surprisingly fast with a redeye iced cap from Tim Hortons and a good audiobook while Dyno relaxed in the back of my car. We managed to get used to that.

After so many hours of driving, there were not too many damages to my car except a chip on my windshield and a bird that flew into my car grille. I took it as warning signs to be more careful, because I have to admit there were times I drove dangerously. I passed a truck in heavy rain when the lanes merged into one. It could've ended badly and I'm not proud of myself. The most important is to be safe.

When I got back home, I was immediately welcomed with a 1-hour traffic delay on the bridge, the houses and buildings look so different, my plants have grown bigger, even the echo in my condo sounds unfamiliar. I can't wait to get back into my routine.

I remember a question that someone asked me a while ago, do I think I'm that different? I didn't say I was back then, but I think I definitely am. I'm anti-tradition, I'm daring and I'm independent. You can't say you met many people like me. As a simple example, when I was travelling in the west, there were no women travelling alone anywhere out there, although I'm sure they are somewhere, but you don't easily come across one. Even men travelling alone were few and far between. How many people can truthfully say they are not waiting for someone to appear in their life because they are busy having the time of their life on their own?

I don't even have a single picture of myself from this trip, I only have pictures of Dyno and he loves posing like a model in exchange for treats. I'm discovering the world through his eyes and I love it. He is always ready for an adventure, knows when it's time to relax and always open for new friendships. Now that I'm home, I miss the road. We need to go on more adventures together and just remind ourselves of that life is all about.

Cross country road trip

I always wanted to drive west across the country, but every year I find an excuse not to go. The first year I got this idea, it was getting late in the season and I was afraid of snow falling soon. The following year, I moved to a new place and was overwhelmed with work. A year later, I got Dyno and he was too young for that much strenuous activities. Then next year, I was kinda decided to go, but Covid-19 hit. Last year, a lot of places were still semi-closed. This year, the USA border is still not yet open for unvaccinated people and I always wanted to come back from the USA side. I feel like there will always be a new excuse every year, and I already know what my excuse will be next year. I don't want to let this stop me from going. Part of me is excited to go on this adventure alone with Dyno, but part of me is scared of things going wrong, and perhaps that's why I delayed this trip so many times. Most importantly, I know I really need to do this for myself. 

I've worked hard this year with very little time off, and all my mandates are ending at the same time. Life is giving me a sign that I should go. It's also going to give me some time to reflect on the most important decision of my lifetime, which is that of becoming a singe mom by choice.

Being present

I have to admit that lately, I've been having a hard time focusing. I've been spending more time on social media, I've been watching more movies, I'm always glued to my phone and doing mentally passive activities. It's become a terrible habit.

I remember when I was little, I could just close my eyes and have so much fun with my imagination. Now, I'm scrolling through stuff on my phone until I fall asleep. I look at Dyno, and I feel bad that I'm not present mentally. He would just lay beside me, doing absolutely nothing but perfectly relaxed and totally content. There's so much that humans can learn from dogs. He reminds me of the basics that I keep forgetting.

I have to practice being present again. 

We don't know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory.

April 18th - Another year older

It's been another year around the sun.

I care a little less with every year that passes.

I don't wear make-up anymore.

I don't wash my hair anymore.

I bring my dog to places where he's not allowed.

I wear gym clothes when I meet clients.

I don't hide my septum ring anymore.

When I'm told I can't, I say move out of my way.

If I were in a movie, I'd be a villain and I'm perfectly happy about it.

Second chance

Sometimes God puts us in the same situation to give us a second chance to make a better decision.

I don't believe in any God, but this resonates with me so much lately.

This time, I choose me.

2021

I say this every year but 2021 might be my favorite year.

It was a year about jalapeno cheetos and white wines, premixed cocktail on the road, movies in the car, coffee with a view, heavy backpacks and snicker bars, baked potatoes and campfires, mosquitoe bites and sunburns.

There were many great adventures in 2021, but what I'm most grateful for are friends. Strangely, it's the exact opposite of what I said in 2020 which was a year about being alone. I reconnected with a few friends who, despite past fights and disagreements, matter to me more than I thought.

I went back to the mountains with Johnny, just us two (and Dyno), like it used to be almost 10 years ago. We sang in the car again, sat by a river and meditated, we talked about who we used to be. I used to find him childish and annoying but, we find more points in common as we age. 

I also started climbing with Nam again. In the blink of an eye, it's been almost 6 years since we started. I probably would not have continued if it wasn't because of him. He helped me improve as a climber and as a friend, he helped me even more. 

If 2020 was winter, then 2021 was spring. I'm looking forward to summer!

Dyno is almost 3

Dyno used to be my baby, I had to take care of him and train him strictly. I wanted him to be obedient, well-trained and perfect. As he grew older, we gained some mutual understanding and he has become my best friend. I don't even want to change his imperfections anymore because that's what makes him special. A well-trained dog is great, but there is nothing like a happy dog.

There are many things I would not have done if it wasn't for him. I would probably still be working endless hours, wasting life away. He is my main motivation to get off the couch and to go on an adventure, and to live a life on my own terms. He really resembles me, he is calm, smart (ugh...yeah I call myself smart), a bit wary but generally confident. He is of course his own personality and has his shortcomings and I have mine, but the parts where we differ make us compliment each other so well. He is relaxed, and I'm mostly a stressed person. He is patient, and I'm impatient. I learn a lot from him and he always needs a little push from me.

When something bad happens to me, I look at him and think to myself, at least I have him. Nothing else matters. He's still there sleeping peacefully, always content and easily satisfied. I know exactly where my place is, I feel content and my life is full. I don't really have to do much to keep him happy, all I have to do is to be myself. 

He never complains and always willing to follow, even when I do crazy stuff like sleeping in a car, long suffering hikes, sleeping outside in the cold instead of sleeping in a warm bed. I feel less crazy with him by my side and everything is more worthwhile. I'm thankful he's here to accompany me in all my adventures and misadventures.

He is almost 3...it's bittersweet how time flies. 

Happiness In Retrospect

My worst fear has happened...for the second time. Gaspésie is really touristic and if you want to get away to see something different, you'll have to take an unbeaten path...literally. Yesterday, as I was driving to see Grotte des Fées, which is in the middle of nowhere, and way too hard to reach for what it had to offer. I hit a huge pothole on my way there, it did not feel nice, but I had no idea what it did to my tires. It was on a paved road so you would not expect that. After that pothole, I drove through 12km of nasty forest road just to see a cave that wasn't really a cave. Then, I drove another hour east to Cap-Chat.

When I got to my campsite and sat on my camping chair to relax, that's when I saw the damage to my front tire. The exterior wall of my run-flats was badly damaged. I think the interior was fine, considering the fact that I drove quite some distance after that pothole, but still too dangerous to keep on driving. I went to a garage in town and called around, it was impossible to find the size of tire that I needed. My car is not very common and my tire size doesn't even exist in winter version, just to give an idea of how hard to find it is. My best chance at finding those tires was in Quebec City which is still way too far. 

Luckily, a friend that I ignored for 2 years and that I've recently started speaking too is driving by in 2 days, and I was able to order the tire in Montreal for the next day and he can bring them to me. I thought my problem was solved, but when I decided to examine all my tires, I noticed the back tire was also damaged to a lesser extent, it had a bubble but the exterior was not torn apart like the front one. It was already past opening hours, so I had to call back in the morning and luckily, they can place the order and receive in the same day. 

I found the tires so now all that's left to do was to find a garage to change the tires. I called every single garage in town, and the next town for an appointment but all of them were booked until next week. I definitely am not staying until next week in a small town with nothing to do. I called again and offered to pay double if they open their shop earlier, and luckily, the second garage I called accepted. The nightmare isn't over until then, thoughts like what if there is a delay with the delivery of the tires, what if my friend changed his mind, what if the garage forgets our appointment, keep going through my mind... but I still tried to keep the spirit up and make the best out of my trip. 

Maybe all this was meant to happen. I was planning to hike 2 mountains that were a little intimidating. I felt some stress just thinking about it. Maybe there is a greater force that did not want me to go. I'm unlucky but also so lucky that my friend was driving by exactly 2 days later, not the next day so I had time to order my tires. I'm lucky that I got back in touch with that friend. Also, he wasn't coming for me specifically, he is off to another destination and I happen to be on his way, so he accepted to ship me my tires. There couldn't be a better timing, everything happens for a reason.

So for the next couple of days, while I waited,  I took it slow, explored a rocky beach, found a sandy section. I sat there and observed birds, I even saw a whale. It's amazing how those magnificent creatures are just nearby, makes me think how my problems are so minor compared to the magnitude of life and how deep this river really is. Things aren't all perfect, and problems arise inevitably but things are also aligned so that I can solve those problems. I'm so grateful. 

At least, Dyno is here to keep me company.

In retrospect, those couple of days in Cap-Chat were probably my favorite days of my trip to Gaspesie. 

2020

2020 was mostly a year about being alone. 

It seems like everyone in my life has become toxic in some way. Desperate ones that try to make themselves appear more interesting at the expense of friends, self-loathing ones that can't get over minor issues that have consumed their entire existence, complaining ones that have not figured out they are themselves the biggest obstacle to their own success, the passionate ones that talk about accomplishing things but never actually took the first real step, misfortunate ones that cannot accept responsibility for their own misery, narcissist ones with enough backbone to walk but not enough to speak, it's all about themselves. They talk and talk, over and over again.

Most people are unhappy, and depend on others, most don't have the ressources or the options to be any different. Most never thought that far ahead. If I find everyone toxic, then maybe I am the toxic one for having no empathy and no patience at all towards my friends. Most of them have never really done anything wrong to me, but hearing about their same cycle of miseries, complaints, resolutions and the reasons why  they can't after all, just drains my energy. I can't deal with emotional vampires anymore. 

People are generally complicated, toxic and unsafe. I'd rather be alone than being with people that make me feel alone. I'm all about minimalism, and I've got to declutter people from my life. It can be lonely at times, but the peace is priceless. Minimalism has created space around me but also made space in my mind, and has cured me. 

I'm not saying I'm immune to humanity's stupidity, because I do have my moments.

People often wonder if I'm scared to go into the wilderness on my own, there is so much uncertainty in its vastness. It's an untamed and unpredictable place of solitude and searching, yet the only place where I know I belong, and where I can stand alone. Ironically, the time we feel most lonely is the time we most need to be on our own. It's a time we need to learn to seek shelter in our internal wilderness. It will not get less scary, but you'll get more comfortable being scared. 

Although, life has slowed down since Covid-19, I still think 2020 might be one of my best year so far. Most people think there is nothing to do with everything closed down, but this is the time you should really invest in yourself and learn some new skills that can serve you in the future. This year also brought me a lot of clarity and certainty. Those answers you want to know the most, you will never know until you gamble. And this year, I found a lot of answers I always wanted to know.

In stock trading, we learn to cut losses when the price isn't going in our direction. When a loss isn't cut fast enough, a small loss can quickly turn into a bigger loss. You might hold and hope that things magically work out in your favor, which it almost never does. Your capital is tied up while it could be better invested elsewhere. 

In order to achieve that, we must change our reaction and in that case, it would be the fear of losing. You repeat and practice so many times that you accept losing subconsciously. You need to cut your losers and train your mind to have a long-term mindset in order to win. I think that applies in all areas of life.

"Elaine, when you want something, you always make it happen. Perhaps, this time, this is not what you want deep down"

Let things be

Let things be

but I knew this all along

I'm not made for serenity

There is no tranquil water in me

I am full of contradictions

I am large 

and I contain multitudes

Life is like a bus journey

Life is like a bus journey. Along each stop, people hop on and people hop off. You find new friends and loose old ones. Some friends stick with you until the last terminal, some have to move on to their own destination, leave you behind. But life moves on, the bus has to complete is journey. There will be new people joining your journey. They may or may not reach the terminal with you, so try to treasure them.

Toxic

It seems like everyone in my life is becoming toxic in some way.

There is the desperate one who uses her friends to make herself more interesting. She is self-loathing, talks about the same issue over and over again, complains everyday but never made an effort to change.

There is also the one that's been talking about accomplishing something for as long as I've known her for, anything that is passionate to her she says...(or perhaps anything that earns good money), but ends up always giving up before even starting. She never intends to grow, only dreams to become rich.

There is the one that blames his misfortune on everything but himself and projects his misery onto other people. He is hopelessly self-destructive and focuses energy on the wrong things.

Oh and how can I forget the narcissist one with enough backbone to walk, but not enough to wear some pants and use words.

Most people are unhappy, and depend on others, most don't have the resources or the options to be any different. Most never thought that far ahead. If I find everyone toxic, then maybe I am the toxic one for having no empathy and no patience at all towards my friends. Most of them have never really done anything wrong to me, but hearing about their same cycle of misery, complaints, resolutions and the reasons why they can't after all, just drains my energy. I can't deal with emotional vampires anymore.

I want to live a positive life and I don't need to be affected by their negative energy.

Most people are toxic and suck the life out of me. Most follow the rules and have too man reasons why they can't.

I'm not saying I'm immune to humanity's stupidity, because I do have my moments.

Although, life has slowed down since covid-19, I still think 2020 might be one of my best year so far...because I don't need anybody, or anything or to be anywhere to be happy. I have everything I need already and I'm only here to enjoy the ride.

My first ever product

"Who in their right mind would buy a picture frame for 25$?" my mom says.

"Well mom, people don't buy stuff with their mind."