See you next year, stalkers!

PS.: You're ugly.

Towards a purpose

Dreams are made of troubles of our past, thrills of our future and non-verbalized expressions of unresolved issues resting in our subconscious. They are the potential actions in a setting unchained from the standards of the real world. Dreams can tell everything about a person, even the unknown parts. It's important to take time to explore the meanings of those symbols because everything serves a purpose. They say the longer we choke back tears; the longer sadness chases after us. Dreams can help us take down those walls, express the subconscious, release our anger and thus, grow up emotionally.

I had a dream earlier this week. It was in a gym class setting that took place in a school yard. As I walked in, I saw a guy with a moustache, apparently my boyfriend, stretching his arm covered of tattoos. As he saw me, he waved at me and made a sign to join him. There was also another person right next to him, also stretching. That person looked at me in a way that I never saw before, a nostalgic stare with a slight serene smile on his face. Because I saw he was there too so, I stayed distant and went to sit in a corner instead, far away from them both.

That dream actually summarizes a significant part of my life. A guy with moustache and tattoos ha, that’s totally my type. I sat away from them both because I stopped touching anything that has to do with one particular person. I deleted every trace of him. The nostalgic stare and peaceful smile means that time have passed but I’m the only one left affected. I don't even dare to walk near the intersections where our paths may potentially cross again. Why in a school yard? I guess it’s because I’m still bound to run into him once in a while. The city is so small.

…of course, that was just a dream. In reality, he’s already become a wrinkled old man who hasn’t achieved anything in life. He’s still struggling between his mediocre job and school. It is true that goals and achievements are stupid and it's a relief not having to bear them. But in his case, he cannot afford to live without a mission on one hand and he's not competent enough to accomplish it on the other. Underachiever. Then again, I can’t help sneaking a peek into his life from time to time, which inevitably results in uncomfort. His childish manners and stupidity make me sick. And so, I would blame myself again for letting my curiosity get me every time.

I once had the chance to attend a drawing class. I met some truly interesting people from various backgrounds and countries. I saw myself in some of them trying to find their place in a foreign country. There were also the wiser ones with much more life experience than I do. They offered me with new perspectives and helped me think through some matters - you can never delete someone you truly loved. I've loved and lost but every love is different and none of those ever made the object of such ambivalence. Some days I hate, some days less, some days I smile and others, I cry. It's confusing and I haven’t found the means to totally accept it yet. On some occasions, I even wish he dies in a car accident.

Introspection is the subconscious opening of scars permitting one self to bleed and feel again. Introspection allows emotional growth and connection with others. Unfortunately, introspection was only possible because it was an accidental outcome of self-interest that took its worst form. Yet again, I’m ambivalent; regretful and thankful at the same time. They say every incident in our lives drives us close to our purpose and I hope that's not another comforting phrase. Here's an exert that I liked from Above his Shoulders:

Some may picture the leaf's journey as a lonely one, but I beg to differ. A leaf that falls from a tree is no more lost than any of us. Destiny predetermines when and where we fall. The purpose may not become apparent until years later. We may feel lost and lonely like the leaf in autumn, waiting unknowingly for the gust of wind to set us free. Our purposes may vary, with each event changing our trajectory ever so slightly. How we interact with others, what we say, whether we become social or remain withdrawn, it is with a purpose and toward an outcome. The leaf may end up in a squirrel's nest, providing a bit of warmth for the winter to come. It may fall to the ground to get raked in a pile waiting for a child to dive in, or bear witness to lovers falling while embracing, as the leaves build up their heads.

...and I admit this; it’s true that I'm aware of things that I cannot live by. Maybe someday, I will be able to entirely accept and find that purpose, if there really is one.

Hospitals

Hospitals are places of such great ambivalence, it never leaves me indifferent. I see longing unto tears of hopelessness, vulnerability unto despair and sickness unto death.

...but ambivalence is life. The most beautiful things I've seen in my life are ambiguous. Real beauty is always debatable and hence, memorable. I also see despair unto faith and weakness unto strength. It's a place where the fragility of life is recognized and births are celebrated. I see lots of love and sweet smiles there...

I visited my grandmother at the hospital today. She seemed tired but we still had a good talk, we always do.

Happiness in retrospect

Oh my god, look what I found!

Do they even make those anymore? Probably not.
Okay, I’m technology-retarded.

I don’t even know what they are called. Tapes, maybe? I don’t know. I grew up listening to the same few ones in every car ride. They were eventually put away under a pile of dust because nowadays, technology moves faster than we realize it. But no matter how fast technology changes, I still love every single song and the lyrics that go with it. They spread a much different ambiance than CDs. Playing those tapes again brings back so many memories...

I remember the house where I used to live, the lady that gave me candies when she sees me on my balcony, the hole under the stairs that became the reason for my fear of spiders, the bunk beds, that ordinary painting hanging on the wall that found its way to intrigue me, the couch in the basement in which my grand-mother often laid and how I always tried to kick her off. Apparently, I were not the most obedient child but, everyone liked me so much…probably because I were so cute and adorable. I always received many presents, like stuffed animals, from teachers and neighbours even when it wasn't my birthday. I still have them. Oh, and there was my unreasonable preschool friend that I liked but she constantly played mean tricks on me; she always wins because I were so gullible. I also recall how I were always the only one who stayed awake during naptime at the daycare, my pink blanket with my name on it, the classmates that were jealous because the music teacher repeatedly picked me first...they were stupid enough to not even notice the obvious pattern. When I cried on the first day of elementary school, when I was the only one who didn’t cry when the school was flooded, when I talked to myself while playing with barbies, and one day I decided to decapitate them after drawing over their face. Then I remember that big wooden table in the kitchen where I used to leave my pink lunch box in a corner - my corner that no one touches. Sometimes, my baby sister would cry out loud when my parents yell at her at dinner…and I’d tell her to come to me.

Those were the best memories. However while I was there, I didn't actually feel that happiness or anything at all. And I think I start to understand why happiness can only be experienced in retrospect, which cartoonist Tim Kreider depicted with such wisdom in his article, Averted Vision:

In this respect it resembles averted vision, a phenomena familiar to backyard astronomers whereby, in order to pick out a very faint star, you have to let your gaze drift casually to the space just next to it; if you look directly at it, it vanishes. And it’s also true, come to think of it, that the only stars we ever see are not the “real” stars, those cataclysms taking place in the present, but always only the light of the untouchable past.

I read this article many times. I had a hard time grasping its full meaning the first times I read it, but the tapes helped me understand those words better. I understand why it's usually after a break up that we fall in love and why it's only after we've lost that we start to appreciate. I'm sure we've all once blamed ourselves for being such fools but, have anyone thought that we might have been misguided by popular beliefs?

The fresh heartbreak was, in a sense, like being in a foreign country; everything seemed alien, brilliant and glinting. It was as if I’d been flayed, so that even the air hurt. When you’re that unhappy, any glimmer of beauty or consolation feels like running into an old friend abroad, or seeing mountaintops through smog. Maybe we mistakenly think we want “happiness,” which we tend to picture in very vague, soft-focus terms, when what we really crave is the harder-edged intensity of experience.

When we're so fully engaged in an experience, we don't think about asking ourselves whether we're happy or not but the second we do, we cease to be. Maybe the purpose of life is to create more of those happy memories by loosing ourselves in the intensity of the moment, which in turn stays encoded in the sounds, smells and other senses that were present at that very moment. In my case, some of my happiest memories stayed in those songs.

I used to ask my mom every day "Mom, did I grow up? Am I a year older now? When will I be older? Did my face change? Am I prettier now"? Finally...it's not all that great being grown up. Everything changed now. Now, no one dares to approach me because of my intimidating face; I don’t look so adorable anymore. The other day, I was shopping during my break at Pharmaprix and saw my favourite brand of chocolate chip cookies when I were little. My mom used to put some in my pink lunch box that she'd fill at a certain interval only. I can only eat those in the pink lunch box and once I finished them, I’d beg my mom to give me more but of course, it was usually a negative answer. Now that I think about it, she did a great job in developing my self-discipline. Now, I can eat whatever I want but I don’t eat those chocolate chip cookies anymore. And it made me realize that I became too obsessed with my weight and calorie intake. Also, everyone in my family eats separately wherever they want at this point. My parents don’t even have the chance to yell at anyone anymore because no one talks to anybody. I no longer talk to my sister and no one really knows what’s going on in each other’s life…

It makes me wonder what it was like in the 80's. Some of the songs were recorded by my mom and I started imagining what her life was like when she was about my age and already married, when she was bored in an empty house and trying to find something fun to do in this unfamiliar country, without her family and friends. It must have been lonely. I tried to imagine how she pictured her future. Was it much different from the reality of today? It must be. It makes me think that I should be nicer to her.

They say great songs can change our lives. I'm glad I found those tapes :)

Goodbye university (for now)!

♥♥♥

I finished my last exam yesterday and now, I finally graduated! FUCK YEAH! I swore to myself I had to get out of here before I turn 23 haha and I made it, oh my god! I'm so happy I wanted to scream right after my exam. Pretty much everyone who decide to study in accounting will want a CA designation at some point but, not even half of them can actually meet the admission requirements. I didn't even want to say it out loud like everyone else before because I'm not a talker and I don't say things I might not be able to do. There were so many times I thought I would never make it because I really am not a book-smart person at all. In fact, I've always failed everything at school. Even my mom always said "Which parts of you look like a student?"...."Are you going to a fashion show or to school?!"..."Do you even have a school bag"? People who now assume that I naturally do well have no idea how hard I worked. I had to study day and night, all day, everyday, retook classes and sometimes even paid people to tutor me. Yeah I know, I'm stupid right? But now, it’s finally not wasted.

I was cleaning my room yesterday and I found a music sheet stand...I almost forgot that I used to play violin, but I stopped due to time constraints. When I think about it, there are really too many things I lost since university...there were also things I voluntarily gave up. One obvious thing is that I stopped hanging out with some friends. It was lonely but I also learned to stand closer to myself. There were times I wondered whether it was worth it but now, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing anymore. There are always trade-offs and choices to be made. Goodbye sometimes means a new start...it could be the key for freedom. I still remember how determined I were to better my life and to be honest, I don't miss the "good old days" at all. When I look at the things I gained and how I improved as a person, I'm convinced it's all worth it.

...but I do plan on going back to school next summer for a CA designation, so it's not actually over, ha :P

Laying around and reading

Yay, I received my books today! I can't believe that I'm ordering books instead of clothes and shoes. Do you know why I have perfect vision? Well, because I used to never read or study. Mainstream books like Twilight and Harry Potter might be entertaining but incredibly flat while books that are assigned at school are just plain boring. So I always thought that reading is a torture to my eyes but, I guess I were just never properly introduced to it. But recently, TJ recommended Milan Kundera to me and I fell in love with that book; it almost changed my life. I love those philosophic books that elicit further thinking. It makes me happier than buying new clothes...is that nerdy?

Like I said, I rarely leave my house anymore; I don't get dressed up or look pretty, I don't do my hair, I don't talk to anybody so I don't ever get excited or angry over anything. I'm just home laying around and grubbing, reading, or watching movies while stuffing myself with unhealthy food, ha. And you know what? I'm not particularly depressed about being anti-social and out of sync...because the busy schedule, sometimes, makes me feel like a ghost walking around. I'm just making time for myself now. Among all the different layers that I have; the one I have in private is the one I'm most comfortable with. That's the only one that allows the possibility of living in truth.

Do I sound like a hypocrite when I say I don't like to draw attention to myself?
Maybe I’m on my period.

Forget December

On Christmas morning
Outside was pouring
All was hopeless in this home
And no one's speaking
No one creeping
To see if she was on the phone

And you were quiet
This routine riot is all but practical to me
And if we see it why can't we be it?
Can we let each other be?

Forget December
It won't be better than I remember it before
And this month only
Would be so lonely
And not so holy anymore

New year's eve came
But nothing had changed
All the problems just got worse
We sat in silence
The routine science
Could heal the sickness we rehearse

And if I'm talking
My words are mocking
The deaf ears they have fallen on
These words are tainted
With years of jaded
In a sense that's all but gone

Forget December
It won't be better than I remember it before
And this month only
Would be so lonely
And not so holy anymore

-Something Corporate

2010

For some complex reasons, I love and hate december; it's such an overwhelming month because it's the time of the year when we look back at our actions, make resolutions and await for a new year.

2010 was an overall difficult year for me. There were some memorable ups, but mostly unforgettable downs. What was forgotten was read back to me and the lessons taught in the form of deceiving and fearing were painful to learn. There were moments when I even started questioning the reason of my useless existence. Nightmares and dreams of flight were frequent. Although difficult, it was also an important year and it will possible be the one I remember the most because this year, I have finally decided to wake up and take the first step in overcoming the fears that caused that decade of silence. This is my first attempt in recognizing the girl I see in the mirror every day; the one I suppressed with the accompanied grief.

"Man, that chick is strong!" I remember that guy, who I barely knew, saying about me. I thought I were too... but today, I finally accepted that I'm definitely not a strong person. I'm just very tough...which is very different from being strong.

I recently stumbled across some psychological articles…I had a hard time reading them because every word was so sharp and heavy on me. However, revisiting the facts did help me understand why I react the way I do and why I always tend to make bad choices. I did many things that normal girls wouldn't do. My life's pattern and behavioral problems were predicted in those research papers with such exactitude that it is hard to believe. Life was never really what I could make it to be; it was prescribed to me too early when I didn't have the power to control nor to protect myself. They say people with similar backgrounds often learn to become perpetrator, an emotionally hurtful one, one that is verbally assaulting and critical. And that really scares me because I can recognize myself along those lines among others that I don't even want to mention. I'm scared to hurt people I love because I know exactly how to hurt them and to eventually become what I were always terrified of. Is that what I’ve become already?

Those who have been close to me at some point should have been able to notice that I'm different…different in a way not to be proud of, perhaps a little strange. When the horrifying incidents occured, I were too young and I didn’t have the knowledge to rationalize things. But even at that age, I already knew that being happy will be harder for me compared to average people. That's how cruel the world is. Even now, I'm still reluctant to ask for help and tell people what exactly happened because it’s shameful; I don't want to be judged and to be misunderstood.

I only told two people. The first time I did was nearly a decade ago, I didn't say it properly because I didn't know how so, I wasn't taken seriously. I wish I were smarter back then. The second time happened more recently, I told someone the truth after denying it. I honestly regretted both times and I should’ve kept it to myself. We all know that quote right? "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not" I'm still amazed, in more ways than one, every time I hear it. What if no one will love you after they know what you actually are? They often say how they love my self-confidence...but what if that's merely an overbearing conceitedness that covers an incredibly low self-esteem? What if that face is a just pretty shell that masks a troubled personality? What if those long legs and short skirts are just what I use to shield my weaknesses and insecurities?

I used to remind myself that I’m strong and nobody needs to know about the horrors of my childhood, the past doesn’t affect me. When you repeat a lie too many times, you eventually end up believing it, so I grew up thinking that I’ve left it behind. The truth is that not only I haven't but, it is reflected in all facets of my life. Over the years, on different occasions, I would encounter people or find myself in situation that triggers the memories of that trauma and I would burst out of anger or tears. People would think I’ve lost my mind...and then after the fact, I would act normal again and tell people that I don’t have an idea why it happened. Deep inside, I knew exactly why but I wasn’t strong enough to face it. I remember one time, I was sent to the ER twice in one month. When the doctor came in, he asked me a few questions and commanded me to do something. I started feeling uncomfortable and anxious ...like the way it used to be when I were younger, when I were vulnerable and didn't have control over my body. The next thing I know, I started crying out loud. He was probably shocked that I acted that way so he called in the nurses. Their eyes...they all looked at me like I were some abnormal creature. They must have thought that I were crazy. And maybe I were actually as crazy as everyone thought.

I know I’m not the most unfortunate one though. I were lucky enough to cross paths with someone who helped me out. I never encountered someone that I can say was really strong, but I can tell with certainty that Kevin is one of the strongest people I know. Not many understand why I still keep my promises even after so long...but he was really the only one who never let me down, so of course I have to. I never promise anything to anyone but when I do, I keep them forever. He was very generous...the most generous on the planet and he didn’t even have an idea. He was responsible, tolerated me and my flared tempers, respected me for who I am...he really was a real man. It brings tears to my eyes just to know that, once upon a time, I was a princess. Once upon a time, someone real was there entirely for me...at least once. That marked the turning point in my life. It was because of him that I know it's still possible to trust someone, to care about them genuinely without fearing that they use our weaknesses to affirm their power and I learned to appreciate the small things in life. I owe him everything

...I have to mention that we barely speak the same language so he can't lie to me even if he wanted to, ha. Just kidding. No but seriously, that's the good thing because communication was never a big problem: Whatever he wanted to tell me, he had to show me with actions rather than redundant words. Although we each have to go our own separate ways now, I’m still thankful I met him.

I was actually already on the right path for recovery after that. I was positive and loving life. Sometimes, I smiled like an idiot for no reason. I felt like a newborn again. Unfortunately, I was really the only one who improved, the cruelty of this world only worsened. Surrounded by all those dirty lies, I have to admit that it was hard to remember the things Kevin taught me without anyone reminding me… but I tried hard and stopped being so aggressive. But certainly, the story never ends just right there. The closer I get to feelings, the further that I'm feeling from alright. The more I step into the sun, the more I step out of the light. One day, someone brought the memories from that trauma back and reinforced them. I was told to get affection is to put out sexually. That was the last thing I wanted to be reminded of. Something I’ve been wrongly taught in my childhood. Something I tried to move away from. I can't even find the right words to describe the way that person made me feel; it was lower than low. Despite that, I were not strong enough to respect my boundaries and to burn the bridges. I even feel guilty…was I really the one who asked for it? That was when I fell back down that self-destructive path bearing a grudge that I'm still not able to let go.

Sometimes, when our lives are so difficult and then something fantastic that we've been longing for so long comes about, we end up feeling like we're not worth it. And I remember how I always found the most unreasonable excuse to push them away. I did that too many times. What was not broken, I destroyed. I'm so hyper-vigilant and restlessly in control of everything that I came to believe that I’m smart for being able to see through people’s bullshit. The truth is that I actually have a hard time judging people's trustworthiness. On the other hand, I would stick around those that reflect the energy of what I'm terrified- the controlling type. I would play the victim and fall in that doormat syndrome. I clearly knew it was just gross psychological manipulation because victims know how to be victims; no one should believe a word that comes out of my mouth. My lies are so believable that even I, sometimes, happen to believe them. Maybe that’s a self-abusive pattern that stems back too far and too early in my life.

Today, I'm an adult and I'm knowledgeable enough to understand that I wasn't the one at fault, but knowing the theory is useless when the mind do not sync with the body. I know those two entities were divided apart too early to fix them right now. It is maybe too late for me to make it right.

That's me, behind that tough girl mask. Still haven’t been strong enough to grow out of it. Still struggling, still trying to recover and still not courageous enough to tell the world. During difficult times, I try to recall of that one time when someone proved me, with actions, the opposite of what I thought would never be possible. I can't be thankful enough for the undeserved love. It gives me hope. Hope is one of the most important things in the world because it can save lives. That’s the best thing Kevin left me with.

…but in all honesty, I'm still angry and I still think that's unfair. Why me? I really could've lived a simpler and happier life. Why do I have to be that girl with tons of issues…those are stains that will follow me and will continue to affect my life until the day I die. Who can I tell? Who will stay and who will go?

That would be my New Year resolution; be stronger. I need to be strong because only strength will get me further, toughness won’t. I need to take better care of myself, respect my own boundaries and stop falling because no one will pick me up again. I still don’t know if I'll be able to recover completely and the percentage of people who actually do is proven to be low…but I'll keep track of my progress in this blog and maybe gradually become more open about it and accept it. I'm not going to forget or suppress those memories again; the goal is to be able to look back on everything objectively and remember the things I learned without feeling the pain that goes along with all these kinds of things. I don't think I ever hesitated that long before posting an entry. And maybe I will never change, y'know. Maybe I will never find myself; the one hidden behind that mask. Maybe I'm just that apathetic. I don't fuckin' know. All I know for sure is that it will be a life-long battle and learning process.

2011 will be a better year, hopefully.

Sunshines of untouchable memories

Perhaps In the midst of hazardous events mixed in the air, our paths mistakenly converged on a mysterious fantasy land that neither has a future nor a past. Despite the brevity of our escape, our wander on this land was vivid and heart-touching. I can still feel the warmth of sunshines resting on my face. Although those are sunshines of untouchable memories, the sound of his music remained in the real world where our paths diverge. The sound of his piano is deep, sometimes awkward, but so genuine and beautiful. It chases away clouds of angst as the day falls...

Day off with Yulia

...I haven't stepped out of my room in a while and missed a whole week of school. And I must say it's actually refreshing to put my nose outside and breathe some fresh air once in a while...duh! One thing I've been enjoying lately is simply running and walking. I put on these headphones and just meditate on how good it feels while I’m in the process of it. It makes everything, including the smaller things, appear interesting. The cars driving by, the scenery changing, the music changing in my ears — it’s quite awesome.

The far away one

as you sleep, and no one is listening
I will lift you off your feet, I'll keep you from sinking
don't you wake up yet, cause soon I'll be leaving you
soon I'll be leaving you
but you won't be leaving me

-something corporate

...forever and find real peace.

Unlike the majority, I don't have any extraordinary ambitions. I'm more simple; I just want to be average and happy…because being unique and different makes me lonely and misunderstood.

There are times I can't get out of bed and so, I stay there in the dark for days where I can escape the torment of different thoughts. I was used to think that I were happy and that I don't care about anybody. I'm ahead of everyone, I have a pretty face and I receive all the attention I want...but that's all superficial. None of those can hide how untrusting, mad, disgusting and unfaithful I am. I'm ashamed. It's not easy to admit.

How can I still believe that I’m not the bad one when all those scornful fingers only keep pointing at me? Why doesn't anyone help me? Why am I being blamed for? Everyone expects something from me; they want all of me. There isn't much left for myself anymore.

Just as I think I've moved on and can live just fine and have fun, those evils come back to haunt me again and always. The same story keeps repeating itself in my life. Its predictability is scary. That loneliness that became blindingly safe is scary. That aching void that created the illusion that I am at peace is scary. I don’t have power to deal with those fears any longer.

The more I grow, the least I recognize myself. The dullness of this suppressed grief have consumed my existence. I can't remember the origin of that long silence…the origin from which I run. I don't want to remember...

I just want to disappear forever.
...find real peace.

Clearly in love with myself at 14 years old...

...but the monster began here.

aliens from outer space abducted me one day
destroyed my bond of trust with humanity
brought me beyond the point of no return
an event horizon that none can escape

my mind grew deformed gradually
day by day night by night
a pattern that followed me into adulthood
am I a little strange now?

forever lost in the hope of a hypothetical passage
legendary entrance to a parallel universe
a farther region of space and time
perhaps in a happier future

You'll never figure out

I come from a distant region without absolute space and absolute time. It's a place where no glances from your reality can cross the event horizon that shields the infinite density of my world. Trying to grasp the depths and singularity of my mind? Never.

Roses have thorns

Today I'm finally convinced of one thing: Those who claim to never lie are really the biggest talkers and are lying right there while making that statement. I heard so many times how they never lie no matter how brutal the truth can be and how it can possibly hurt. It sounds so sincere but I realized that this statement only holds as long as the truth is brutal on anyone but themselves. Those are only the truths of little significance because they are not hard to tell. On the other hand, as soon as the truth is potentially hurting their own self-image, they'd lie to feel better about themselves because the truth is not so easy to admit anymore. Then of course, the typical argument that follows is that they lied in the purpose of keeping someone's feelings from getting hurt hoping that their motives would appear to be more honourable. It's actually so pathetic that it makes me laugh. We all know that the truth doesn't hurt; truth heals. It's denial that hurts.

I heard the most beautiful lies in my life and I once desperately hoped I were wrong and over-analysed things...so I forced myself to believe in what I doubted was the truth. Needless to say I regret it and I'll never let that happen again. Roses have thorns, remember this.

PS.: A message to liars: Don't lie to people who are smarter than you, ha.

Plans

I haven't been updating as frequently as I used to and that will likely be the case until year end. I have good reasons though. I've been trying to work on my emotional issues and of course, studying really hard because there's a good chance that this will be my last semester as an undergrad student. Also, I've been taking part in fashion shows so there're many long and boring fittings and rehearsals that I have to attend. In brief, I'm just very busy. Busy but so excited!

Here's what I'm briefly planning to do in the next 24 months, which might change slightly according to circumstances, obviously:In 1 month:-Catch up on class material
-Find another agency
-Drop at least 5-10 poundsIn 2-3 months:-Graduate from accounting
-Apply in CA program starting in summer
-Apply for auditing jobs
-Read all the books I didn't have time to read
-Register at a gym...for realIn 4-5 months:-Take some art, photography or writing classes
-Teach english somewhere in Asia
-Live like a local somewhere in the Third World
-Learn another foreign language
-Go backpacking in europe (and hook up with hot foreigners, haha)In 6-12 months:-Buy my dream car and drive across America
-Start graduate school
-Start working a real job
-Redo my whole wardrobe
-Redecorate my room
-Get my stupid motorcycle licenseIn 12-24 months:-Graduate from CA program
-Pass the UFE and become an official CA (duh!)
-Do some volunteering in Africa
-Adopt 2 abandoned animals
-Start my business and be my own boss
-Write and publish a book

To be continued :D

That day

...I finally remember there was that day; I can't remember which one precisely. If there was one day you didn't lie to me, it must've been that one day. That day, your words were translated into actions; it was a symbolic promise to me. And if there was one day I were sincere to you, it must've been that day as well. I was holding on to you so tight while longing for a happier future. That day, I told myself to change for the better, to stop acting so crazy, to be good to you, to make up for things I did wrong, to learn to believe you…Those were the thoughts that went through my mind that day. I couldn’t express them into words. Words are only a mere disguise of the way I truly felt.

That was the bit of sweet I was searching for; the piece of memory that I was trying to recall and the only I will keep in mind. It's already enough of a reason to let go of the grudge. The weather is turning cold, but the sun fall is still as pretty. I just want to be happy and keep hoping for better days, but this time, without you.

Strangers until the day we die

Although I rarely dare to think back, there are still some of those days I walk around hopeful in finding that spice of sweet in the bitterness of reminiscence, a reason that could add some positivity to the memories left behind. I attempt to recall the good times we had and the things you did for me...but sadly, I haven't been able to remember anything. Nothing that could offset the sheer pain of the emptiness you caused.

While with all my heart I miss you still, I also start to enjoy the idea that we are destined to be strangers until the day we die.

Don't ask if you can't handle it

It goes beyond my understanding when some people criticize that I don't have an opinion...but when I give them my opinion, they get offended (??!). Honey, just because I'm receptive to different ideas doesn't mean I don't have my owns. And just because I don't seek approvals from others doesn't mean I don't have an opinion. Everybody has an opinion...especially me. Get over it. Tch.

Naked and proud

I want to frame this and hang it on my wall
♥♥♥
Shooting nudes leads narrow-minded and conservative people to think in the direction of prostitution as nudity is commonly associated with sex. Following that reasoning, a woman is automatically categorized as a prostitute if she charges for nudity, which in my opinion is wrong.

It takes work to escape the values dictated by our society. It takes time to be able to get beyond the idea that being naked is only for sex. Once you understand that it can actually be for creative endeavors; it becomes appropriate to charge for nudity because the relationship between artists and models becomes another story. It's unique, it's different and it promotes new ways of thinking about the world around us.

Besides, the fact that not many are willing to shoot nudes results in low supply. That means models who do shoot nudes are able to charge more. Those gifted with a great body and confidence should be able to market it proudly.

Not that I want to sound conceited but, I'm probably smarter than those people judging me.

Through my perspective

Nothing stays clear forever. In the midst of thousands of words, some are not easy to say. Showing a world that isn’t drawn with blinding comfort and plain self-interest is something I love to do. I once hoped to offer a new perspective; tell stories and illustrate a world that have my unique beginnings...

...but that also means showing others what to target in me. One thing always seemed to be forgotten: the power gained through the privilege of holding someone else's fear in your hand can only be achieved with their consent. Too often, that privilege is misused and disregarded. Fortunately however, what is disregarded doesn’t always fade away so easily.

The emotions that are hardest to leave behind are the ones condensed into the sharp-edged broken pieces once dipped in your own poison. What’s more unpleasant than being subject to the cuts of your own remorse?...The cuts that bring back the memories of the things deliberately ignored. The cuts that remind you that no one can do wrong without suffering wrong. The cuts that teaches the great meaning and value of basics…

So this is what you have come to, eavesdropping, spying, and desperately searching out your traces in my world. What does it feel like to see through the key hole to my galaxy? Reading my life that you don’t have access to, listening to words that aren’t dedicated you, to always be talked to but never the subject of the conversation? The underestimated delicateness is most cruel amongst all. It must hurt to be so knowingly ignored and to finally see things my way...

It's a world with my own beginnings...
Although not many saw, I can tell you’re not the only one. You will remember me...but you won't get to remember me as I am.

Dumb badass

Okay, I gotta rant about this before I go back to study. So I've been seeing that guy, a certain Ken, for almost 2 weeks now. A little background info; he's fucked up in the head, drives a super nice car but lives in a cardboard box. We have pet names for each other, he calls me his angel and I call him...hairyballs. Whatever. You know what? I seriously never met someone who brags as much as he does; he could brag about anything all day. He brags about his dick because he thinks I never seen a bigger cock than his’ in my life just because I’m Asian...I almost wanted to quirk a brow and say to his face "Relax dude, your dick is just so average! But oh, I have a friend who is gay, you interested in a gay experience?!"...but I'm too nice to hurt his feelings.

The worst is that he thinks he’s such a pro with his little sweet talks and that all girls would fall for him. Yesterday, he was like "I want to spend every minute I have with you...I think I'm falling in love". It’s like...bitch please, I heard them all, seen them all and in much original versions too. Your version is comparable to your dick: average. Sweet talks are the cheapest kind of words because no one ever walks those sweet talks. It just gives me a reason to doubt him. On top of that, whenever he refers to things he wants to do with me in the future (when we all know that ain't gonna happen), it ruins the moment completely...

Everything he tells me is just dumb, but he's so conceited that he talks like it’s the most badass shit anyone can do in the world. That guy probably haven’t seen further than his little hometown in the north. You know what's funny? I think I was attracted to him at first because he dares to tell me what to do...but then I realized that I’m not able to put up with that, ha.

My friends would go “Oh, but he’s still kind of nice…” The problem is that he’s only nice when it’s convenient to him. Why am I still seeing him? Well, I guess it's entertaining...and convenient. I give back what he gives me. But you know what? I just texted him that I don’t want to see him again because it’s not convenient anymore; I have midterm exams, boy.

Then he wonders why I never sleep over. Well because he’s the kind of guy only good for a one night. I mean...a 5-minute.

Sometimes I wonder why do I always attract guys like him, and I think it's because I have the face of an innocent little good girl and that makes me seem easier to control and an easier target for hit and run? I never fool anyone; I let them fool themselves.

Hi, my name is EJ. I don’t go out, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I go to school, I study all day and I only had one boyfriend in all my life...and I'm so intimidated by big boys, hehehe...just look at the picture and you know what I mean :)

PS.: He just texted back saying that I'm a bitch...like it's a bad thing. See how he turned into an ugly piece of shit after he realized he failed? He deserves it and toward guys like him; a bitch is all you can be. It won't even surprise me if he begs me back so he can dumb me. Obvious shit. That was just funny.

Random Day

Me: Why are you calling me?! SungEun: I don't have friends at school :( Me: Aww that's so cute!

***
It was him who accompanied me on the phone when the cascade of emptiness has capsized my mind...and it was me who lent an ear to his yells of frustrations and overwhelming problems.

...I know in reality, we really don't give that much of a fuck about one another; I ain't sorry to make him worried and he couldn't care less that I see him in such a state...but it's for that reason that we always turn to each other. Does that make any sense?

Worth of weight

The days without tomorrows...
♥♥♥

“The things which we fear the most in life have already happened to us” as Robin Williams stated but, his theory is incomplete. If things which we fear most have already became history, then what makes them terrifying? Is it perhaps the possibility of their return? Nietzsche once called the concept of eternal return horrifying and consists of the heaviest of burdens; we drown beneath its weight. I believe this is true. Otherwise, if banned to return, the magnitude of beauty and consequences of horridness mean nothing and will eventually become mere light breeze in the air, frightening no one.

I’m not sure since when or why, but somewhere along the way, I started to adopt that mindset that expects all my relationships to go downhill eventually. I almost fantasize about the end of them…perhaps because the intolerable weight takes away the raw and unguarded moments that I yearn to live. That weight, although heavy on every move I make, is valuable and I still believe it merits the sacrifice. However, worth is subjective and what is seen as worthy is not necessarily what we deserve.

I have always thought it was my destiny to end up alone, living a life that is lighter than air, enjoying the days without tomorrows, taking things as they come, discovering new adventures hid around each corner… all in the absence of that heavy burden...

…then again, I really hope someone is able to convince me of the opposite. I often heard that when it’s perfect, no one has to bend or break, value doesn’t always cause back pain. The question is; does such perfection exist in reality or only in invented fantasy? Maybe there's something I still don't understand and have yet to discover...

Hi kids

I'm just trying to take a nice picture of my fat ass so I can post it on my very public blog... because I'm immature like that haha...♥

The past summer: Goodbye and good riddance

Mind made up. Finally crawling out of solitude, crawling to the start of summer, rushing into its energy. Burning bridges with some, celebrating paths recrossed with others, starting over. Working out again, setting new goals, accomplishing projects, adjusting to the craziness of my everyday. Hesitantly accepting the helping hands offered, welcoming new people in my life. Hoping to satisfy, to please, find comfort. Compromising, improving, attempting to compensate for the effort lacking in the past. Tolerating flared tempers, know-it-all bullshits. Being pushed back downwards, backwards in the confusion, abandonment, devastation. Learning lessons, escaping from life. At last, accepting all blames and crawling back to solitude.

Solitude is not to be confused with loneliness. Solitude is peaceful; it’s when no allowance is made to the eyes watching. As I grow, I quickly learnt to appreciate its lost art. Solitude is the best time for reflecting, quietly contemplating, creating and focusing on personal goals which in turn leads to critical breakthroughs or self-discovery. Solitude stipulates our desire to explore; it aliments our curiosity about the unknown and the world around us...

…but at this moment, I’m withdrawing from the chaos and blames. I’m unconnecting from all my relationships, responsibilities and social networks...in order to gradually restore, crawl out of solitude once more and over again, crawl to wintertime and rush into its charm ♥

Delicate Balance

I recently did a shoot with Von Wong for the designer Andy Nguyen's telio-winning suit titled "languishing". This is one my most difficult shoots because I had to be hung from a ceiling and wore a face strap for over 2 hours, but the results amply justify it.

Most of the time, the meaning that images try to convey is differently perceived by each of us. That's because our musical compositions and dictionaries are already more or less complete, and every word, every musical note, every object means something different to every of us. I want to share this not only because the concept is interesting but most importantly, something clicked in my mind when I saw those photos. It sets things right and I'm thankful I finally realize this...

I should start by explaining that the black version represents the stronger outer shell that we show the world and of course, the white version is the soft and vulnerable inner core. Together, they build a body where anger, pain, happiness, dreams and hopes are all accumulated inside; the whole is frightening yet so beautiful. Unfortunately, not everyone can perceive the beauty of it; some will even attempt to cherry-pick the more likeable side. The insecurities and pressure push both in attempting to stand on its own; the darker side tries to dominate while the softer side struggles to run away.

This is when we lose our stability and start transmitting confusing signals to outsiders. I'm sure for those who read my blog will see the reflection of these two extremes in my posts...


We're each other's worst enemies and we make each other's life a hell. On the other hand, no matter the amount of dispute, denial and divergence of opinion...we're incomplete without each other. We're weak without each other. We cannot be separated as we built each other up through the path we jointly walked...


In the end, we realize that each of us is strong in different senses and we compensate for the lack of each other. It's always when we decide to accept and support one another that we’re able to find that balance and to finally be at peace.

We're beautiful together and we'll continue to accompany each other on many journeys to come...

The end :)

Credits:
Photographer: Benjamin Wong
Models: Linda DreamDiamond (white version) and EJ (black version)
Hair: Eva Jinn
Makeup: Lisa-Marie Charron
Designer: Andy Nguyen
Assistants: Jo Gorsky and Kristofer Jensen

Accomplished

I'm perhaps doing this only because I'm eager to mark the end to the tasks that the old me left unaccomplished...and in all honesty, I’m completing these without the same motives. After all that reflection and the lessons learnt in between, I already arrived at new stage and naturally, the intent, meanings and motives behind changed accordingly. They went from innocent and caring to selfish, at some point evil and now, rational.

Despite everything...I still want to do this because I’m deeply marked by the generous and admirable thoughts once placed behind it. I’m getting it done for the old me; her motives were kind; mine’s are possibly selfish and neutral at best. I'm getting it done for her...so I can finally leave her behind as of today.

Just because.

Underneath every intelligible lie is the unintelligible truth; the truth that not many found the ability and strength to appreciate. There isn't much I can do anymore...but there isn't much I can't do either. Despite the good, the bad and the residue in between that I ought to bear in mind, I want to do one last thing unsupported by reason and has nothing honourable to prove. I merely enjoy imagining that smile in transition at the thought that someone out there remembers one detail of the words carelessly said. What comes from the heart does not necessitate any reward. Such genuinity slowly grows rarer nowadays...but let's remind ourselves that it's really worth everything.

Stubborn and shameless

You stalkers totally cannot live without me, ha!
♥♥♥
Anyone who dreams to achieve higher and become a better person will, at some point, suffer vertigo. Contrarily to popular belief, vertigo is not necessarily that fear of falling. It is beyond fear; vertigo is a desire to fall into what we once were so terrified of. It’s that eagerness to give up all we possess and fall into what we once fought hard to break the chains that tied us to.

A long familiar voice is calling me back; there is something blissful about the helpless and lonely days. There is something pleasurable in all that hatred, denial and disrespect. There’s something captivating in errors and mistakes. It’s almost hypnotizing. From time to time, that madness tries to lure me back…

Luckily, there's something that always picks me from that constant state of vertigo. An adequate amount of it is needed whenever I have to put in twice as much effort as others would because the truth is that I'm just not as smart as everyone thinks I am. I took initiative to better my life and it keeps me going whenever that pressure on my back becomes too heavy to bear. It keeps me sane and away from all unhealthy influences. That something that picks me from vertigo is a personality trait that has various names and labels.

A different name and definition exist for that same trait depending on the circumstances, friends and family’s opinions, society’s culture, ethics, religion and so on. Persistence, stubbornness, obstinacy, tenaciousness, determinedness, hard-headedness …or even pig-headedness are all synonyms for the same trait.

The only difference is that persistence, tenaciousness and determinedness are positive terms for the simple fact that everyone approves your idea. On the other hand, stubbornness, obstinacy and pig-headedness have negative connotations because no one agrees with you.

Differently said, it means that you’re only considered persistent when you have a vision that aligns with the majority…but it becomes stubbornness when your vision is that of which no one understands. You’re tenacious when you refuse to let go of things considered worthy by society...but you become pig-headed if that worth is lost in the eyes of the public.

As for me, I’ve been called stubborn repeatedly. I don’t think I ever argued back nor did I try to convince anyone of the opposite because there’s something ironic about it; attempting to convince others that you’re not stubborn is a stubborn act in itself. Everyone can say the right words at the right timing but in the end, only actions matter.

What are those people showing me by trying to convince me that their reason is more valid than mine? Could it be possible that those people are unsatisfied for being unable to persuade me or to prove that they are more correct than I am so they call me stubborn to make me sound more wrong? Could it be possible that those people cherry-picked the more likeable traits of my personality and therefore, they feel like I should more resemble to the character they imagined me to be? Who knows.

I realized that they will always talk you down for that trait.
They will always talk like it is a character flaw.
I know a lot of those people whose intelligence is just so stupid…

In fact, I don’t even get offended anymore because it is basically just to say that I know what I want but they have no means to understand it because they haven’t seen what I’ve seen. As simple as that.

In the end; I’m the only one knowledgeable enough to judge my own actions.
You can call me stubborn and all you want, I'm shameless about it!

Out of sync

Situated above the Verkhoyansk Mountains two years ago, I realized for the first time that I were very limited and know only so little. The higher summits symbolized the new and more complex questions that continually inspire us to acquire new knowledge that will serve us in answering them.

Observing my life and current situation from far away is not new to me anymore…but I still learn a great deal and never failed to discover new answers every time I do so. On the other hand, I always come back feeling out of sync with people…and very out of touch. Sometimes, solitude is perhaps that disadvantageous aspect of growing, at a different pace, unaccompanied...

Guantanamera, Guajira Guantanamera~

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming - WOO HOO what a ride!" - Maxine cartoon
♥♥♥
I never liked the way I look tanned; I think it makes me look like a farm girl. My skin is so badly sunburned and the color is very uneven; I'm almost able to peel my skin off. I also have scars of mosquito bites everywhere on my legs. That also means that my ability to book photoshoots will be very limited until winter time...but you know what? I don't regret one bit!

I fell in love with Cubans and that friendly atmosphere. That genuinity really warms up the heart...




...walking around the beach lighthearted, picking up pretty sea shells, drawing the name of the one you miss the most on the sand, taking a nap listenning to music you love. The good life it is.


...oh and the food of course!




There was that night, we met some boys from Hamilton and had a few drinks with them. The tipsy boys decided that we would hit beach at night and swim in the ocean under the stars. Honestly, I hesitated and almost chickened out because there wasn't anyone around and if anything happens...just to let you know that I'm not the best swimmer out there. "Are you scared?" Pierro screamed. God, I hate when people say that to me, haha. "Okay just do it, Elaine!" I told myself and without more second thoughts, I ran into the warm ocean and start screaming as loud as I could. I couldn't see anything except the shinning stars, the large and harsh waves only when they are about to hit me and an identifiable marine light far away. The most incredible part is to not be able to see what you’re swimming with, or how far out you’ve gone. It's a crazy sensation that brings out a mix of excitement and fear of danger; I had the best time!

Just some pictures in downtown of Varadero...






I'll miss everything about Cuba ♥

From Varadero to Guama

Shebi and I mostly stayed in Varadero, which is a resort town. However, I think it's important, if you have the chance, to step out of the touristic zone for a bit and to explore the opposite side of your world and get a sense of reality that the locals live in everyday. There's a place where one bar of soap is shared between all family members for a whole month and where people do not complain about the food and are thankful for just one dollar. We all hear about the saddest stories in the news but too many people don't even blink an eye...It could be a whole different story if you get to perceive with your own senses; it widens your horizons and gives you a somewhat richer perception of life.

We went to Guama; a place known for its history and culture. We passed through some of the poorer towns in Matanzas province, visited a sugar cane factory, took a train to hit the farm with rich vegetation, ate lunch with hens and kittens strolling under the table, rode a speed boat to cross the marshy lake, accessed an Indian village and to finally made it to the crocodiles; we had tons of fun :)

Just some pictures...
...and yes, I'm sooo tanned, haha :)












Somewhere out there exist very simple reasons to be happy for...
♥

Close your eyes, clear your heart and let it go

♥♥♥
Last night was the best night ever; I'm still thinking about it...

The other day, Friday it was, we were just drinking in the lobby and saw a bunch of Asians who just arrived. They were obviously from Toronto and they were so noisy that they sounded like immigrants who left the jungle for the first time. In their group, all the boys looked alike; same hairstyle, same clothing style, same height, etc.

In the end, we all got along pretty well. They are all very nice.
Here's us having tons of fun :)


Then Sunday was my last full day in Cuba, which was yesterday. That night, there was a contest to win a free bottle of rum. One of the candidates was Johnny. I didn't notice him before because as I said; they all look alike…like typical white-washed Asian Americans, y’know. However, during the show, the way he danced and sang I want it that way from the backstreet boys was so charming that it grabbed my attention…

You are my fire
The one desire
Believe when I say
I want it that way

But we are two worlds apart
Can't reach to your heart
When you say
That I want it that way

“Here’s what I like” I thought to myself. I don't usually see a lot of things I like. That desire and appetite, that I've lost for so long, came back to life again. I couldn't get my eyes off him.

Afterwards, everyone went to the club and I was so determined to talk to that guy...but his friend Andy wouldn't leave me alone. Nothing ever happened with Andy; we just spent some time hanging around. He kept complaining that I’m stuck up, that I make him feel stupid, that I’m hard to understand...but I can tell he likes me because we talked until 6 AM and he didn't even want to leave. He’s nice but he’s just an average young boy who haven't done much with his life and still have a lot more to learn. In brief, he’s just not my type.

When Andy left to the bathroom, I went to Johnny, wrap my arms around him and said "Can I kiss you"? Haha. That was straightforward, huh? Can you imagine, out of nowhere, a complete stranger saying that to you? But it was my last night in Cuba and I had to make the most and the best out of it; I cannot regret. You have to follow your heart and break the rules once in a while, especially when you're abroad. "I guess you could" he said, looking surprised.

We went to the swimming pool, took our clothes off and jumped in the water. For some unknown reasons, everyone else followed us and sat by the pool to drink (???). Some girls were making mean comments because they were jealous...obviously. Apparently, he even has a girlfriend back home. Also, Andy saw that and probably got pissed. There were just so much disturbances but, we really just wanted to enjoy that moment. So, we pretended that they don’t exist and made out in front of everyone. That moment was eternal; it was as if nothing else in the world mattered anymore because we're in freakin' Cuba!

By the way, have you ever kissed someone in the water? Because I have and now you can all envy me, haha…

Me: Are you a doctor? Johnny: No...but almost as good. I graduated from mechatronical engineering. Me: Oh, so you’re a nerd!

I don't know much about Johnny. I’m curious about him, I wonder what he’s like in real life, but I didn't ask much because we're all in Cuba to have fun and to escape from our own problems, for a little while at least. I like that we didn't talk much; it thrills me even more. Besides, talk is cheap and words can be superfluous.

Finally we just fell asleep in each other’s arms. It’s not the first time I hook up with a stranger and I am normally not comfortable sleeping with someone lying next to me but this time, it was different. Everything was perfect; it just felt like it was the right timing and the right place to be. It's such a relief from scars and errors that used to cause so much pain in the neck. Honestly, I haven't thoroughly and completely enjoyed a moment, without all that analysis and thinking, in the company of someone in the longest time...and now I finally know that it's still possible.

"Why you gotta leave tomorrow?" he kept asking...but I guess it's always the misfortune of brevity that makes up the beauty of short acquaintances. We shared a rare and precious moment; it was stress-free, unchained, raw and unguarded…



It was actually only yesterday but now that I'm writing about this in my room in Montreal, it feels like it's been a dream. It's hard to believe that it's already over.

...but it's still a sweet closure that marks the end of a chaotic summer!

Free as a bird you want to be...

Free as a bird you want to be, towards lightness you lean, away from that weight of burden you escape, for that breeze of freedom you always crave...

While you dream of growing wings, please remind yourself that as much as those burdens are heavy to carry; only what is heavy has value. When that weight of value and compassion is given up; your movements become free like a bird...but without that intense fulfillment of weight, they are as well insignificant.

Getting rid of the stress

I'm packing my stuff.
♥♥♥
Finally, I'm going on vacation tomorrow; my well-deserved vacation!

I'm going somewhere with bright sunshine, sky blue beach, warm sand, waving palm tree, suntanned boys, perfect bodies and friendly atmosphere; CUBA! I need to enjoy a slice of the good life so badly; abandoning everything in montreal and escaping from reality even if it's just for a little while...

Trip to myself

Life must me lived forward, but it can only be understood backwards...so I go backwards and take a trip to myself.
♥♥♥

TJ wrote to me saying that he might visit Montreal but I will be away unfortunately :(

TJ is not that much older but he is very wise; perhaps one of the wisest I've met. He has an interesting approach to perceive his surroundings and life in general; it captivated me. I remember how I gave a great deal of thoughts to our conversations because he’s the exact kind of person who could give you some meaningful insights...

There's a question that's been bothering me lately. Mirlaine came to my place earlier this week; we talked about how we used to act so playful, cute and lovely to everyone. However deep inside, we really didn’t care about anyone and wouldn’t mind breaking anyone’s heart; we only wanted everything for us. It's shallow but the worst is that guys would buy that. Even now, some of those guys I dated years ago still call me sometimes trying to get back with me.

...but now, I just constantly have something mean to say and wear that bitch-face permanently. I can't even say anything like "I miss you" and I don't know how to compliment people either. Even when I try hard to be nice, patient and all that, I just can't; something blocks me.

When I first met TJ, I was rude to him and said loads of hurtful words even when I cared about him. It was the first time I noticed that strange comportment. I thought that it was a phase; all I needed was perhaps just some time to heal, right? As time goes by, and it's been over a year now, I realized that nothing changed. Maybe time isn't always the solution to everything? "Do you think I have a problem?" I finally asked him.

I know. Did I just sound so insecure?

He got back to me with another message. "You're a sweet heart softy[...] I think you're pretty sensitive person even though you don't like to admit it [...] You probably learned to try to block some of those emotions with negativity, or pushing people away. etc. It's natural to want to protect yourself and actually, it can be very subconscious" he wrote. When I finished reading this, I smiled. For once, someone didn't use the word "complicated" or "monster" to describe me. Don't we all want to be understood once in a while? When we were abroad, he once told me that we're alike in many ways, which I didn't acknowledge back then, but now I can see why. It feels good to know that someone actually understands me.

I played a game about self-knowledge with someone recently; it's called the cube. Basically, one person asks you to describe a cube, a horse, a storm and a ladder. They all represent different aspects related to yourself. The interpretation of the given descriptions can be a great way to learn about each other.

This is what I came up with:

(The ladder and the horse will not be discussed in this post.)
The interpretation of the cube is quite interesting; it represents myself and as you see, I drew a very small one in the perspective of the scene. "How can someone with a big ass ego like you draw such a small tiny cube? You don't look like a humble person at all..." that someone said. He’s right; everyone knows that I'm too far from being humble. On the other hand, I do recognize that I'm just a little being in this big world. This is probably why I drew a small cube; I don't believe I'm significant enough to exercise any influence over people in any way nor do I want to. I'm very ordinary; I care about a few people who mean a lot to me and I simply want to be happy. The cube I drew is abstract and has a uniform blue color. I read somewhere that blue symbolizes wisdom, loyalty and confidence.

As for the storm, it represents my current problems and my attitude towards them. My storm is a tornado. It's far away in the background; it's not moving towards me but I can see that it's there. Since it's in the background, the problem itself doesn't appear to have any significant effect on my life. In the case it does, it means that my attitude could be a factor. In fact, there are times I catch myself not wanting to heal...

As much I would like to blame others, I won't. I forgive everyone including myself. I will accept the responsibility for my own abandonment. "Change is an action; it has to be actively pursued for it to occur. I don't know if I'd call it a problem, but if you feel like it's negatively affecting your life, then you should do something to change it." TJ reminded me today. I will remember this as I make another attempt to change for the better. Never underestimate someone’s capability to change; it's the whole point of life to change and grow. This time however, I won’t rely on time because nothing happens unless someone wills it to happen.

Loving like you've never been hurt is not easy at all, but nothing that is worthwhile is ever easy.

I thought I moved on until...

My brain automatically goes blank when he comes to mind; I can’t think about much at all and I can't remember anything. I thought I moved on until the other day, late in the evening, I spotted a repsol parked in the old port. At the thought that he is possibly nearby, my stomach twisted slightly, my eyes watered a little and skipped beat were felt over the chest. I soon forgot what I was doing; I just started looking around, among the crowd of people, hoping we would happen to cross paths again. Then, I saw something shiny far away; I could recognize a man holding a black helmet watching a show that was given on the street. So I ran across the street and slowly walked closer...and I realized that it wasn't him. At that instant, I woke up and I remembered everything at once...

...and so I questionned myself; Why do you even want to see him, Elaine? What were going to say if it was actually him? Are you going to be happier? Idiot.

Bittersweet Reminiscence

I'm eating my favorite ice cream. Yummy :)
♥♥♥
People continually come and go but the memories they leave behind will stay imprinted. There are too many times I wish I could just forget about everything because the truth is that I'm not as strong as everyone thinks and I'm too tired to continue learning lessons...

I will remember this but right now, I just want to step back, relax and breathe new air. Alone, but never lonely.

I feel better these few days; My friends are around, I get to spend some time with my family and I'm going on vacation soon...but there's actually one more reason. That reason is very dumb. It's so dumb that I will not give too much details. There was that day I was so sad that I couldn't sleep..so I called someone. "Hello...Hello?...Hello?!...Hello" he said. I know that person would've listenned even if I came out of nowhere but, I finally didn't say a word. He's that one person that I want to hate...but just thinking of all the silly things about that person really cheers me up.

I might not have the chance to tell you face to face; Thank you.

I'm NOT complicated

So there's that random stalker who read my blog and came to tell me I'm complicated...and I'm already fuckin hurt because Renan also kept saying that he couldn't deal with someone complicated like me. I seriously don't know if that random stalker just said that because I rejected him or what...

Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong, how is it my fault? But the truth is that I didn't do anything wrong. Complexity in people's behaviour is actually a reflection of the complexity in the environment in which we find ourselves...so I'm sorry if I'm not lucky enough to be one of those perfect people living in a perfect world and I'm even more sorry for not actually feeling sorry, ha. I wish I were just an innocent and simple girl who lives in a pink world but how unrealistic that would be, right? There are lots of things I didn't choose but I learned to accept the blame for my own misfortunes.

They say that I should apply the KISS pricipal; keep it simple, stupid...but there's a problem here because that statement implies that simplicity comes before complexity, which is mostly wrong. Only those who cannot understand me will find that I'm complicated. You gotta make an effort to understand first and simplicity will only result when you're able to make sense of that complex data. Therefore, simplicity comes after complexity.

Keep it simple, stupid? Yeah, you gotta be stupid.

Everything looks more complicated than they actually are to most people because most of them don't know how to look at things the right way; they aren't wise nor are they considerate enough. If you're one of those people then you probably need prescription glasses to help you look further than your small dick.

I refuse to deal with people who only understand me when it's convenient for them.

I'd rather be complicated than boring.

PS.: Thanks Baldwin :)

One of the worst days in my life

Today is one of the worst days ever.

It's funny to say this but I really don't have anyone to call; everyone seems so busy with their own lives. I never knew how awful it is to be alone and that no one can hear you cry. You could die and no one's going to be there to save you. I never cried so much in my life; I thought I wouldn't be able to stop. I told myself to not think, to go to bed earlier...but I couldn't.

He told me to move on because he fell in love with an awesome girl and that I should take care of myself. He also told me that life rewards those who risk most and to remember to not start something with walls up expecting a warrior to tear them down.

Is this a cruel joke? Did someone just have fun playing with my mind?
Every single word hurts because he really didn't care when he said them.
I don't know what to say...

I'm aware that after some incidents, I became very bad-tempered and always unintentionally, or maybe intentionally, said hurtful things to men in general...so often that I don't really know how to express myself anymore. I don't know how to heal myself. Although so slow and so reservedly, he's the only one I ever made an effort for; I told him everything and I hoped he would care and understand. I never cried in front of anyone but I cried in front of him when we barely knew each other. He still thinks he's so smart because he can see through me...but did he realize that it's not because he's smart but because I let him? I wanted to trust him...but I wasn't fast enough in learning to trust someone again. It's not true that I expected a warrior to tear the walls down; I simply expected him to give me some time and to reassure me, that's all. Am I asking too much? It seems like everything is my fault now.


He thinks I didn't risk...but I did and I opened up to him...if I didn't then he wouldn't have been able to hurt me like he's doing right now. He's so inconsiderate, impatient, unreliable and selfish that I knew he wouldn't be able to help me rebuild my confidence in relationships. I'm a very selfish person too but he doesn't know that I'd rather change myself to adapt to him. Whoever hurts you the most is also the one most worth it.

I don't regret anything but I seriously can't take anymore of this.

No one mentions him again, please.

Where's Elaine that we know?

I sent him a text to tell him that I miss him. I know. That is so not smart, right? My friends would go "Where's your pride, honey? Where's Elaine that we know"? Ok, please. My life is too short to be deprived for the word "pride"; it's nothing but a word that holds people back.

Sometimes, I get e-mails from readers telling me that they admire the fact that I'm full of life, fun and open-minded and I'd doubtfully think to myself "Really? Is that how I am"? Then I read my older posts and it's like...yeah, that was definitely me until I got blinded by recent experiences.

I've been thinking a lot these few days. Since when did something so simple requires so much thinking and considerations? Instead of going so blindly with the flow, I'd rather do what I'm afraid to do and if I ruin everything then...so what? I've done and seen worst.

It's so simple and it's all I wanted to say. I also told him that he taught me a great lesson in the art of starting over and I invited him over so I can cook for him. I had to tell him because I cannot regret. I had to tell him because this is unguarded, it's generous...and it's without that selfish prudence. I didn't need to calculate how I will be compensated and in fact, it already seems like a dead end to me but I learned that carefree actions are the liveliest. It's worth everything and it doesn't need a reason.

Everyone's tired of my depressive posts and I'm tired of them too. It's time to wake up. It's about finding myself again; the one who doesn't know what's right, what's wrong, but knows exactly what makes her happy.

I'm too thickskinned to be embarrassed and I'd rather regret something I did than something I didn't do.