I got my eyelids done

I got my eyelids done last week. It’s no big deal. People who have never seen my naked face will probably not be able to tell the difference. Basically, my eyes are more equal and slightly bigger.

On my way there, I kept thinking, am I doing this for real? What did my mom eat to be able to give birth to a crazy daughter like me?! My parents don’t know that yet, but I’m open about it. It's not really a secret.

People ask me why I want to get my eyelids done. You know what? It’s really not that I think I’m not pretty and it’s absolutely not because I lack of self-esteem. No girls will ever think of themselves as TOO pretty. I can love myself to death, but I'm still realistic. You can compare this to the fact that no one will think they have too much money. I’m not going in details, you can read this post if you are that curious.

That's my eye on the fifth day:

I love my new eyes.
Be jealous!

Chris' comeback failed

Chris texted me this morning and asked me to go to his motel room. That dude haven't called me for like 3 weeks and now just out of nowhere calls me to the motel at 9 in the morning? Did the girl from last night left and now it's my turn or what. Even if he's busy at work, he can't be busy enough to not even be able to find 2 minutes to call me, right? Screw that guy.

TJ called

Yesterday night…or morning, TJ called around 5. I wasn’t sleeping super well because of the infection so yes, I picked up. Ok ok, the truth is that I was about to txt to tell him to call later if he’s still alive because he went drinking, but in the end I decided to not send. If he wants to call he’ll call, y'know…if he doesn’t want to call, he’ll “forget” even if I remind him 10 times.

He came by and we just talked and cuddled for 2 hours. It was time to eat breakfast when he left. I kind of find that hard to understand. You gotta tell me. I know I wanted him to call so I shouldn’t complain, but why the hell does he have to call me when he’s drunk? And why the hell does he always come see me during abnormal hours? HUH? Am I really that abnormal? Anyways. Whatever. At least, I know he didn’t come here to fuck because he knows about my infection.

...ok ok, he was just tipsy, not drunk.

He’s not that cute, he’s not that handsome, he’s not that tall but I like being with him. I don’t know him that much and he might be just an asshole but, he never made me feel stupid. Sometimes I won’t even need to tell him and he would already know. He knows a lot. I kind of giggle to myself when I think about him…like right now. But for some reasons, when I think about TJ, I'd think about P too. Every time TJ hugs me, I'd remember how P hugged me too. Yeah yeah, no need to remind me that one of them wants to make me feel good and the other one just don't care...as if it takes lots of energy to hug me for 1 more second. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it’s hard to not think. I can't help but think...why is TJ so good and P is such an ass and why do I have to think of a stupid goose-like sloth-looking motherfucker like him.

It’s weird how I meet the most fantastic people abroad, which I should be very happy about, but I cannot bring them home with me.

By the way, it's a kind of uterus infection that I have. I'm taking pills so I kind of feel better these days.

..on the news.

I went to the hospital and I have to wait 2 hours to see the result. They said it doesn't look like yeast infection and it might be something else, so I did that test and now I'm waiting. I'm really scared and I kind of regret...Yesterday I was thinking if I really had to die young, then what would I do? and where would I want to die? Would I tell my parents or would I just disappear without a word? Foolish questions, right? We see that on the news everyday but it always seemed like it's not connected to "the real world". People in "the real world" worry about whether their heels will hurt or not, whether there's enough alcohol for the party, whether their stylist will do a good job, if not then how the hell are they going to make their hair grow faster, whether that guy will notice them in that dress, whether they will take summer courses or not, whether they'll skip class or not, whether they'll get A or F and it's oh so the end of the world!

I wish I could just worry about whether I should get boob job or not.

I'm sick

Yesterday I stayed home all day long on my bed because I was feeling so sick that I thought I was about to die...(with a little exageration). I think I might have yeast infection. Actually I noticed that 2 days ago, but I didn't do anything about it and it's getting worst everyday. On top of that I'm on my stupid period which makes things worst. Then TJ called...well actually I texted him first. Sometimes there were long silences...like really long ones so I asked him why weren't he saying anything and he said he didn't know what to say. Isn't he nice? He could just hang up if he didn't know what to say but he kept me company on the phone. He gave me lots of advice because he did some research and I didn't even listen to half of it because I was half asleep. I don't know if lots of guys would googlesearch things like that. Yeah anyways I don't feel like getting out, but I gotta go to the hospital today and it's freakin far. I kinda hope it's only yeast infection...

A night in Beijing 22/7/09

It was mike's birthday so I went with Anh and her friends. I was so happy that Ronnie wasn’t there, but he showed up later, damn it. He said sorry but I was like "Excuse me, but do I know you?" Ha, I know I sound like an immature little kid but I don’t want to be friends with him or anything, so screw that. Too many people in this world do things for the sake of their image and that's too much effort for me to make. We left after an hour because Ahn had a long day the next day and I was so bored.

TJ said he'd call later and he did but I was really about to fall asleep. He came near my place and we sat on a random side street and we just "talked". It kind of reminds me of P. If a guy comes see you during abnormal hours, it's because you're not considered normal to him and he doesn't want you in his normal life. But at least TJ didn’t do anything I don’t like. Well, he tried to kiss me a few times but I didn't let him for some reasons even though we already kissed before. It just didn't feel right and I don't know how to be around him. So he played with my hands for an hour. Weird, right? How can someone play with hands for an hour, huh? He said it's because I won't be comfortable if he touches elsewhere...Pff as if he knows everything.

So what did we talk about. He talked a lot about himself and asked a lot about me, but not stupid questions like what do I study and what do my parents do. Sometimes, I think he's too mature for his age, but that's a good thing. I never met someone of his age who talks like that, with such wisdom. He’s a good observer too. I don't really remember what we talked about exactly, but I do remember that he said that I don't trust him and he doesn't understand why. I didn’t tell him, but it’s because I know his friends (Ronnie, Jimmy and Mike) don’t like me and I’m still uneasy around him because of the blacklist thing. Why is he so nice, isn’t he scared that he’d hit his face on a wall again? That's just a little fishy. He said he does fuck around, but he doesn't fuck with people's emotions and I was like..."why are you telling me if you already know I don’t trust you”. He answered that he's not saying this for me, but more for himself. Uh yeah, but you just said it in my face. If he's lying, then that would be his only flaw, but i'm not saying that it's impossible that it might be true. The worst is that I believe him because he seems to mean it, but I didn't tell him and I shouldn't. He either means it, or he's a really good liar and that's why it sounds real.

Then I wanted to go home because I had a huge headache, and he gave me a hug. A good one.

Btw, I saw the solar eclipse today too!

Right after the party's over

...and right before the sunrise.









That's a funny feeling.

发了给他的信 7月 5日

徐浩东你最近这么样？你有没有想过 我们其实不太认识大家 但就那么喜欢对方 是不是有一点不理智？如果你认识我多一点 你就会看到我的丑陋的一方 到时候你对我的感觉可能不一样。 因为我识你不太多 你在我的回忆是很完美的 你笑的时候很可爱。 但回忆更完美都没用 最重要是将来。 将来我们会这么样， 没人知道 也没人可保证， 所以不要对过去的事请太顽固。 我也很想见到你， 但见到又这么样？ 见到会有结果吗？我有想过留在中国 但我在加拿大有责任负担 不可想起做什么就做什么。 我看到你发给我的Email的时候 我感到很心痛。 我一向都是一个很自私的人 但我最怕你会伤心， 如果你不开心 我也不会开心。 在中国最开心的事情是认识到你。 我想起你的时候都会笑去来 很想知道你在干什么 但我也很想你忘记我 因为我最想看到你开心。 不要再生活在过去 做你想做的事吧～我很想你。

最后的信。

跟着我走 7月 11日

She always follows me behind.
Sometimes I wonder if she's scared of me.

Monkey Beach 18/17/09

At a certain monkey beach...some thai bar.

...with Isi.

Btw, those glasses obviously don't belong to me.

For some reasons, we ended up with zero money so we had to beg on the street but it didn't work out.

Entertaining the Americans

Why TJ is so nice?

Waw I made it home before the sunrise!

So last night, TJ called me at night as predicted. It's kind of boring when guys are so predictable, but at least I know I'm smarter than them, ha. He asked me out to grab a bite somewhere, but I made up excuses because he actually made me cry on the phone but he doesn't know. How can I explain this...he's kind of thoughful and sensitive. But I won't thank him for being understanding, anyways because he's way too nosy. So I said I took my shower and that I don't eat at night and blablas, but he was really insistant, so I still went to see him and we went to drink/eat. For the whole time, I kept wondering if he's trying to play some kind of prank on me, but it was actually pretty cool. Why would a guy be so nice if the girl doesn't even feel sorry for what she did? We all wish we were the exception but according to the rule, there is only one reason; men are rejects of life. If I were ugly and fat, would he still be that nice? and what if I were nice to him, would he still call? Obviously___(write your 2-character answer).

Thanks for caring

Thanks for caring. Thanks for paying attention. I found out what I wanted to know. Things came out as predicted. Isn't that scary? Thanks for being stupid enough to let me know. Now I can use that against you. I wish you were not an asshole, y'know.

Thanks for letting me know that you care.
From now on, you’ll be the jester.

Sorry for being conceited...NOT

...at least I got the chance to be conceited

So I talked to TJ on the phone and the whole conversation was just so pointless! He was saying that he’s not mad anymore but what I did wasn’t okay and all that crap. So I asked what he wanted and he didn’t even know. Would a sorry do? He said yes so I apologized. Then he asked if I meant it. Well no, I don’t and I’m just honest and I won’t be able to feel sorry even if I wanted to. Really I don’t see why I’d feel sorry.

A blog is a blog…sort of like an intimate journal, right? Not as if I’m making money out of it…It’s what I think and what I am. Why should I ever feel sorry about myself? It’s as if he thinks that I’m a conceited princess…should he feel sorry if that’s how he feels? No. He even said that in my face and I’m not even mad at anything.

On top of that, he intruded my fuckin privacy. He went on my facebook account because I forgot to logout and that’s how he found out about the blog. I feel like someone saw me naked or as if some random people stepped in my property. So is that still my fault? Should I feel sorry because I am what I am and I think what I think? What a pointless conversation. He said he wants me to know how he feels. He feels like an object because he's being rated on my blog and all that crap and he's hurted that this kind of shit exists. Hm, doesn't everyone hold opinions on everyone and some people are simply more interesting/important than others? The difference is that I posted it in my blog on a 1-10 scale, which is my personal space anyway.

Actually, I know how he feels, but that doesn’t mean I’ll care and it doesn't mean I think he's right. If I had to care about everyone I meet, I’d be fucking busy. If I really didn’t give a shit at all, I don’t think I’d send him txt messages. Hey, I just wanted to make thinks a little less awkward, is that wrong? Some people just think they are right because they think they are the victim of the story.

At least I don’t think he’s a complete asshole but he had the guts to tell me he doesn’t know why he’s that open to me. Why? Don’t tell me it’s because of my bitchy personality. Let me laugh. I mean, we’re abroad for only a short-term period, why be so serious? Can’t he just take it easy and just have fun? What’s the point of making me feel bad. Ah gosh.

So dude, if you didn't judge me as you said...then where the hell "princess disease" and "cold-blooded beast" came out from? Not from your mouth I hope.

Rant post about brainless Ronnie

I'm so fuckin pissed today, all because of some stupid immature people and I will tell you who. His name is Ronnie, middle name is Marlow, nickname is marshmallow and I don't know his last name. Even if I knew, I won't post it because I’m afraid that people with the same last name as him will feel ashamed. By the way R in my previous post is him. That dude is just immature and thinks he's that opened-minded and kind. I guess he is a nice person to his male friends or ugly female friends he got not interest in, but he really treats other women like crap. Today, he threw a piece of garbage at me and ran to hide. What kind of undeveloped-brain would do that sort of stupid and low-class thing? When that guy grows up, he'll probably end up beating women. I'm not even kidding, I know what I’m talking about even if I'm damn angry right now.
He got all the symptoms of an abuser:
-He treats women like crap and he thinks he’s superior
-He can’t control his temper
-He’s insecure
-He acts out instead of expressing himself verbally
-He may even have a family history of violence. He’s from Texas, so who knows.

I almost wanted to throw water in his hideous face, but why would I stoop to his level, right? And no, he didn’t say sorry. I'm not even expecting a sorry because I won’t forgive that kind of behaviour. He's the kind of white guys who go to Asian countries to sleep with women because he thinks he's that superior and all Asian women will fall for his popsicle look. In reality, he's only a little rejected and lifeless cowboy in the conservative state of Texas. Man, that’s just foolish. He has to throw garbage at me just because I don’t sleep with him? Poor boy, I'm almost sad for him.

Oh and he said something about it, I think he said that he did that because of the nasty txt messages I sent. I don't know which ones he was talking about because there were a lot. I know I'm really bitchy, but I'm only bitchy to men like him. I despise all those brainless perverts who pretend to be kind just so they can get laid. I Fuckin hate that. I’m not even joking. On the other hand, I know lots of people hate self-centered and bitchy people like me, but really, I don’t mind and they have the right to regard me as whatever. But I gotta say that I love myself and I love being self-centered because I’m happy that way. You can be happy to be a pervert too…We can’t get along with everyone and we should just live and let others live. I'm just really angry and I need to let this out. Hey, at least I don’t throw garbage on others when I’m angry!

If you're curious, here are the txts.

Ronnie: Id take a blowjob **Who does he take me for? At this point, I think it’s clear that he’s just retarded. Me: You do whatever you like **I don’t know what he thought, but what I meant is that he can do whatever he likes, but nothing that involves me. Ronnie: ur kidding, u better please my 9 inch dick **??? Me: did u get that 9 inch from subway's take out? Ronnie: ya its called ronnies dick **STUPID. Me: go get some other chicks with that then **Isn’t that more clear? Ronnie: ha it's up to u **What the hell is he saying? Ok maybe he was drunk. And I also hate people who blame everything on alcohol. What an irresponsible little wacko. I didn’t answer that. Ronnie: I thought you were down **He sent this the next morning.

Last saturday, I was sitting right next to him at the bar but I wanted to sit near my friend Ahn, so I told him to switch with her and I'd do anything in return. Yeah I obviously lied, but that guy is so desperate to sleep with me that he believed me. So he told me to call him later to get together, but of course I didn’t. Even if I lied, I don’t think I'm wrong. It's just a game. He were nice to me until he realised that he will never be able to sleep with me, so he showed me what kind of immature little beast he is. Isn't that a bigger lie?

Ok so, the white guy is Ronnie and the fat asian is Mike.


Look at that man, he's problaby used to "swallowing".

Yeah swallow that shit you nasty bitch.

That wasn’t all; there is this guy who came to give me a message on a piece of paper. Yes a piece of paper...as if we were still in high school. But I don't feel like talking about that crap right now, I'm so sleepy, I need to get some sleep.

What a shit talking post, but I feel better right now.

Don't get it twisted, biatch.

...Not really, I get it all straight.

When men finally realize that they won't be able to sleep with you, they will try to make you believe that you thought too much and that they only wanted to be friends when in fact they obviously wanted to fuck you. As if I’m the only one with loads of dirty thoughts and as if they are innocent like angels, the high-class type of angels. It's either that or they will show you the real nasty piece of shit they really are.

That’s not cool, dudes.

R asked me several times to sleep at his place (more or less directly). But I wasn’t that interested in him so I rejected him and now he tells me that he never sleeps with girls he's not dating. Ahemm...You are not contradicting yourself for sure. But yeah I shouldn't think too much, it could be that he was just trying to be genuinely nice. Maybe he just thought of my safety because I was probably be too drunk to make it home which is 2 blocks away...that's too far, right? euhhhh...sure. You’d think that’s the end of the story, but hell no, 1 failure is never enough!

3 days ago, he sent me this:

R: you bored Me: Stop thinking about me R: Don't get it twisted...biatch **Biatch??? It's okay to be in denial dude and why the hell "bitch" is spelled with an "a"? Does it make you sound more educated? Or is it less rude than simply spelling it as in the dictionary?

I'm just being direct. So am I a bitch because I'm too direct? Aren't you an hypocrite because you act way too nice? Pfffff...Do you want to deal with a bitch or a hypocrite, dude?! It’s just the reality. I'd prefer someone who'd just directly tell me that they are horny and that they want to fuck me and that they will not call me again rather than someone who'd ask me about my mom and my birthday as if they'd remember. As if I deperately wished you'd remember. Why do people waste their breath by asking stupid questions? Foolish.

That Tim guy from the bar is no exception. I was trying to avoid him so badly but still bumped into him on the street (how lucky, huh) so I gave him the cold shoulder. You know what he said after? He said “hey Elaine, I just want to hang out with you as a friend, don’t get it wrong”. Hmmm yeah for sure. I don't know about you guys, but I know I don't try to have sex with my friends. That guy just never talked to me until he saw me with my extra-short shorts that barely cover my ass and that's when he started bothering me. So predictable...

It’s okay to be an asshole, it’s okay to be a pervert, but it’s not okay to be a hypocrite. Why would anyone waste that much time to act all nice and to choose the best pick up lines for me anyway? Oh because men are that lame!

Chris wants to fuck...obviously.

So last weekend, I went to that bar with Chris and his friends. I actually didn't want to go see him but it was still early to go to club so I still went, and because I haven't seen him in a while. So I was there and drank with his stupid friends then they wanted to go to club so I said I wanted to go home because I were tired (so not true). Then Chris insisted that I go and blalalalallalasss...but of course I didn't listen. So he grabbed a cab for me and told the taxi driver to go to my place. As he closed the door I asked the driver to go to nb. Yeah sorry dude. So I was thinking about that and wondered if I were too mean...but NO!

Reasons:
1-His friends asked if I were his girl and he answered no. At least say yes to make me happy, huh?

2- When he insisted that I go with him, he said "Ahh c'mon Elaine, you know I want to sleep with you". So, he called me because he was planning to sleep with me. Hahaha that's so fackin funny.

3- What kind of stupid girl would go to club with her boyfriend? Ok ok, he's not my boyfriend, but same shit, I'll have to stick around him if I go.

變了大肥婆 ７月11日

You player

That Chris plays it right. As I started to think he's not that bad, he totally blows me off. Usually, he's the one who does everything, he takes me out, calls me, sends me txts, etc, but I always responded with very short answers until last time when I texted him and he didnt even bother to reply...I mean...Alright, now I know what to do.

友達- Kunico

Someone remembered a little thing I said out of nowhere.

Thanks Kunico.

Sorry won't do

Xu Hou Dong just sent me the cutest message ever, but also the message that hurts the most.

余思翠你知道在我心中你占据着最重要的位置吗？， 你知道我的感觉吗？我相信这是上天安排的缘分，因为我深深的爱着你，但是却不能在一起， 对于我，也许是宿命吧，虽然你也喜欢我，但是你们注定不可能在一起，我能猜到开始却才不到结尾，我会保留着对你的那份想念，永远~永远！

I cannot read everything, but I know how he feels. I’m sure it took him a lot to send this…He's not the kind of guy who puts everything on his forehead, and even when we were together, he'd never tell me how he feels. So sometimes, I'd think, maybe he doesn't like me that much, but I'm such a pot of glue that he can't get rid of me so he had to wait until I fly back to Canada?

I feel like crap right now. I know I said things that I shouldn't have said and did things that crossed the line. I should've considered the consequences. I really want to see him and I could give him everything to compensate for what I took away from him, but I don’t know how because that's not how things work. You cannot break someone's heart and try to repair it because you feel sorry. How can you? Aren't you just an immature little bitch, Elaine?

I kept telling myself:
Look what you did? Just because you didn’t think of the consequences, you ruined someone. Aren’t you feeling bad? You do? So what? That won’t solve the problem! Just because you are pretty, that doesn’t mean you are superior and that doesn’t mean you can get anything you like! You think you are the center of the world? WAKE UP!

After reading his message, I know I should never try to contact Kevin again…Isn’t that enough? Don’t cause more trouble. And I know I should forget about P as well. What is he compared to Xu Hou Dong? P is just a pervert who tried to fuck you. Xu Hou Dong never tried to take advantage of you when you were drunk and he still loves you the most.

I'm just very sorry.

A player or not?

I’ve been very sick these few days, I use the word “sick” because I’m not even exactly sure what I got…and I never gotten “sick” that way before and it really scares me. I didn’t even want to talk on the phone with my mom because I wanted to cry. I wish someone could give me a hug and I thought of Chris.

Oh and guess what, he just texted me:

Chris: I miss ya Ive been busy at work but im getting a vacation soon Me: lol ur funny

Though he might be a player, he’s a smart one. I know I shouldn’t but I’m curious to find out what he is.