Bicycle

This is something I've started writing some years ago but never finished, never knew what I wanted to say, or what conclusion I was hoping to get to. 

Victoria Falls is located in Zimbabwe and it's one of the first cities I've set foot in in Africa. It was a time of the year when it was dry and hot. Everything was new, strange and dusty. I jumped off a bridge the day before and I canoed down a river with hippos....but I wasn't living the moment. I was preoccupied with thoughts of someone and torturing myself with insane hypothesis.

I remember every detail from the scent to the song that was playing on a loop. You're pulled by joy and hope in one moment, and despair the next, flying in circles, chasing pavements that leads nowhere. Regardless of the number of things and people stealing your attention away, for a second to months, you always come back to it sooner, or later.

One day, I was doing some shopping in a local market in Victoria Falls. I have a thing for items made of recycled material, and saw something I instantly fell in love with. I asked the shopkeeper if I can have a box, so he made one on the spot for me. I carried it everywhere, to Malawi, Tanzania, Kenya, Switzerland and hopefully someday, home. Somehow, coming back home doesn't feel the same.

We like to think our lives are linear. That everything you do accumulates into a better decision-making process that will get you the person you’ve really wanted all along. But what if it doesn't? It will always be my biggest what-if and the biggest fork in the road I've left behind.  You think of settling but is this the end? It's one of those things you always long for but never put any work into achieving it, and one of those things you'll never be ready for...

All of these thoughts are like a vicious cycle that only keeps growing, you keep missing moments that you should be enjoying now, which you will probably realize in the future and wonder what if again. Today, I still don't know what I want to conclude, answers still lacking, but I thought I would finally post this, because I've come to term with this...I was eating with my friend and he said something along the line that he has the feeling I'll meet him again, to which I said...there were already plenty of opportunities for us to reconnect but I've decided to let them go.

you don't want to know
that I'm human
that I ache when I laugh

and who cares
I'm nothing but trash
collecting yesterday

falling for darkness
who knew it would be so
addicting

and I know it will wither me
and one day I will go crazy
left high and blank

when that day finally comes

I will quit my addiction
but for now let me be

Yesterday

Life is too hard and I terribly miss yesterday.

Listen to the Musn'ts

Listen to the Musn'ts child, 
Listen to the Don'ts. 
Listen to the Shouldn'ts, 
the Impossibles, the Won'ts. 
Listen to the Never Haves, 
then Listen close to me-
ANYthing can happen, child, 
ANYthing can Be.

Mind

"I've never seen a person like you, someone who laughs so hard, but cries so much at the same time. When you're happy, you're really happy. When you're sad, you're really sad. And when you're mad, you're really fucking mad."

...said someone I used to know.

I used to feel like an hurricane that tore everything apart. Every grain of emotion seemed exponentially magnified and consumed my thoughts. In other words, I was an emotional mess.

But one day, I learned something about my mind. The mind is the most powerful tool one has, and learning to control the dominant and recurring thoughts can turn illusions into reality, because every external effect has an inner cause. Unfortunately, most people have it backwards, thinking they feel a certain way because of circumstances when in fact, our lives are driven by our collective thoughts and beliefs.

Everything in life can accurately reveal your thoughts and beliefs. You think your job, relationships, finances and education are too superficial? Think again.

...and so, I started experimenting and gave myself this power. Somehow, I willed myself to make something of myself and trick people into thinking I'm a respectable person...and I stopped crying.

Nowadays, life feels so alien. I'm so detached from emotions that I can will my mind to think anything and I can be anybody. I'm not a robot though, I do have emotions, I'm very aware of them and I can confidently say I understand them more than anybody can understand theirs, but I only observe from a distance. I don't actually feel those emotions, if that makes sense...I feel it's more of a scientific experiment. Sometimes, I don't quite know who I am.

Am I sad? Do I care? Does it even matter? I just feel life is such an illusion, and maybe it's better that way.

Less whole

It's scary to realize that you've become a certain way...but somehow I've managed to conclude that it's okay to stop believing. I have a hard time seeing things clearly, and maybe that's because I deep down know the answer already, but I choose to be blind about it. It's hard to accept but the tides of fate and time keep pulling me into separate directions, and I’m struggling desperately to be who I want to be, and be who I should be, but I'm slightly defeated and weathered by age. Maybe it’s simply that I’m less emotional; less trusting; less whole. Maybe simply, because I'm afraid. I'm slowly accepting things I never wanted to accept. Life is fickle and people change. There were things that once upon a time made sense...

Nothing

Freedom is great but leaves your hands grasping emptiness. Whiskey is sweet but devours every inch of your being.That burn left on my skin is never quite satisfying. Heartlessness is a treacherous slope sliding backwards, but heartache is another word for "going ahead".

The weight of those carefully calculated words and actions telling you that nothing means nothing are burning, spinning and imploding inside me. You pretend they mean nothing, but that makes you an easier prey when loneliness descends like a moth fluttering in the hollows.

How many times can someone play these self-damaging games until they become nothing themselves. Life means nothing, emotions mean nothing and we are all becoming nothing but mere beings driven by immediate ego boost and satisfaction, and nothing really matters anymore.