Taking the long road and kissing a million frogs...

Two days ago, I asked him, Jon, if he wanted to watch a movie and he gave me three explanations when I didn’t even ask, without actually saying no. You know what that means? It means it's a cover-up, and he doesn't say no because he might need me one day. I know those tricks better than anybody.

I remember he once said that he’s a tell-it-as-it-is person and would appreciate others to do the same. I'm the kind of person who cannot go with the flow. I wasted a lot of time already and I can’t permit myself to hesitate anymore. He will make my life miserable if I have to find out later. So I asked him one last time.

“I don't know, I have been thinking about it a lot I guess. I like you, I really do. I guess I just don't think we really have that much in common... I'm sorry if this came off as me playing mind games. You're a great girl I just think I might not be the right guy for you.” He said.

I see a lot of hesitation in those words...I guess, I might, I think...
...and I really don’t want to have to convince him to be with me if he doesn't want to. It just makes no sense if I had to persuade him.

I'm pretty sure if I ask anybody how they remember their first love, they'd tell me it was blind, unreasonable and against the rules, but it was passionate. The things that remain due to agreement in opinion are never as unrelenting as the things that persist through divergence of opinion and differences...and passion derives from the residual that survive those differences. We often ask ourselves if we can fall in love again and on the very first day I met him, I told him that he can love many people in his life but, he can only fall in love once. Mostly because true love only comes with true hurt, which forces us to set subconscious rules and to open both eyes and maybe a third one that keeps up from falling again.

I think it might have to do with a person’s attitude towards his destiny. A person who believes that destiny is pre-planned for them, will likely think that soulmates are born. While people, like me, who believe they have power to shape their destiny, will tend to believe that soulmates are made. I believe that differences can be overcome only when there is hard of work, mutual understanding and accommodation.

By the way, I love this song, it reminds me of me, ha.
But wait, now how long could this take?
It's hard to find a man, when you're gone before he wakes.
They say it's hard to achieve, but can't a girl believe?

I can see that we’re obviously not compatible after he said that. We're different kinds of people at the very base level. I also don't really get the vibe that he likes me, if he does then I don't think he likes me for the right reasons. I always seem to attract the wrong kind of attention, you know what I mean.

He said that we can still be friends but, I’m not too fond of that idea. It's like another way to say maybe someday but not today. Only today is certain and that's the only day I want to seize. Most people aren't able to live by that until the day before the very end, so I don't want to let myself think there's a possibility of a "someday". I told him that I cannot keep in touch with him; we’ll have to be strangers until we die. Not that I'm bitter and I do think he's a great guy too but, I just like things to be clear-cut, sure and certain...just trying to save myself from headaches, I guess?

So yes, that's all. To be honest, I'm a bit sad and deceived, but life goes on.
I kissed a frog and it didn't turn into a prince. End of the story.

---

So I'm moving on now and it means what it means. The other day, Jon asked if I were still talking to Med, the guy I went skating with. I told him that I wasn't, which was true at the time I said it and I wasn't planning to talk to him again either…until today obviously. So I decided to ask Med if he wanted to hang out because I was bored at home. Med said that I have those dark mysterious eyes that can see through bullshit, haha.

"Day was long though, so I'm leaning more towards larva than humans as far as behaviour right now" he said. At least, he doesn't have three different explanations.

"Hey seriously, you want to see me again or not?" I asked, tired of talking.

"I do," he replied. "I'd like to get to know you better."

"Then take me out this week," I said. I'm so bossy, ha.

"I have an idea!" he said, excited. "Are you free next Monday or Wednesday? I'll take you out for drinks!"

"Haha, that was your idea?" I asked. He usually has original ideas.

"Well, it's part of it," he replied. "If we still like each other at that point, I'll ask you if you want to come with me to the country house next week-end. There's a nice view, it's still wintery and there is an outdoor spa!"

Oh my god, isn't that cool?...well, if that isn't a lie of course. I like guys that are straightforward like him. It's so manly, hehehe.

What we do when we don't sleep

Me: Euh, did you just wake up or did you not sleep at all?
Baldwin: Same as you. Let's go for morning coffee!
Me: Ok, let's go!
Baldwin: Oh shit, for real?

Hehe, feels so great to grab morning coffee before everyone wakes :)

Not sure anymore

I just realized it's so hard to really talk to a guy. I was talking to Jon on skype with the webcam on today...and obviously all he was thinking about were dirty stuff. And just because I refused to do what he asked me to do, he thinks I'm messing with his mind. "Really? You really think I am?!" I asked. "I just have a little feeling that you are" he replied. I was so happy to talk to him until he said that...because I was determined to not mess with him and he thinks I am. That just hurts a little. Why does everyone think I'm a bad girl? Then he says that I don't trust him, and I'm sick of people telling me that because at this point in my life, trust has to be earned.

I'm not sure what to think about him anymore.

Turning mistakes into lessons

Last time, I drowned him with tears like I said and he even asked me to punch him because he grabbed my boobs. All that awkward drama happened on the first date already. Then, he texted me a message saying that he's guessing that I probably don’t want to see him again. So, I felt like he didn’t want to see me again but to not feel bad about himself, he decided to put those words in my mouth instead, you know what I mean?

…but then, I figured he’s not smart enough to play with words like that. I didn’t want to waste my time guessing so I decided to text him back to make sure I understood correctly. And he didn’t answer me.

I probably interpreted it that way because I expected it. I know it's not easy to open a closet and not being sure a monster won’t jump out. I expect people to turn their back on me if they knew about my disgraceful past. I expect people to be selfish and opportunistic.

Two days later, I asked him on facebook why he didn’t answer my text. Like predicted, he said he didn’t get any texts because he just jailbroke his iphone...which could be true, I guess?

"Are we going to hang out again or not?" I asked, in plain English.

"I thought you wouldn't want to..." he replied. Why is it that I never get a straightforward answer when I’m only asking a yes-no question?!

"You didn't answer my question," I asked again, after briefly talking about our weekends.

"Well yeah, that is if you can fit me into your skating dates," he replied. "I'll come up with something that tops skating," he added.

…

Later that night, I went to his place to watch a movie. I remember I used to really trust my intuition but at some point, I stopped due to past experiences. Although, I still have difficulties making the difference between sensing and intuition, I try to not let past experiences burry my current perception of things anymore. And I just feel like he's a nice and honest guy. I can tell he wanted to touch me but he wasn’t sure of the boundaries and was afraid I’d react badly like last time. It shows that he was considerate and respectful enough to not pressure me. I didn’t feel like I was in danger for once.

By the way, he has two cats at home; one that is social and the other one is a loner. Isn’t that cute that a guy lives with two cats? It's hard to picture that without laughing.

When he gave me compliments, I would pause for second to think about it and hesitantly go “…thank you.”

“Waw, you said thank you for once!” he said, surprised.

“That felt weird” I said, laughing.

Anyways, we watched "From Hell" with Johnny Depp. The only thing I saw was people getting stabbed by creeps, ha. I didn’t understand the movie at all, I didn’t focus. I was thinking about Renan half of the time and that's not because I miss him. Although I never thought about him in those exact terms, I always subconsciously knew I was using him to run away from people of the past.

As we move further from the object of our potential empathy, the less likely we are to be empathetic and the more clearly we see. It's never so much the stressor of the object that causes fear; it's how we approach it. Now I clearly see that it wasn't him that I was scared of. I was scared that I'd never move forward. I was miserable.

It's always easier said than done but, I was just thinking how to not repeat those mistakes and to turn them into lessons...

Reminder

1. Be nicer and stop nitpicking.

2. Stop bossing people around.

3. Say "thank you" to compliments instead of "I know".

First date drama

Last night, I went drinking with a certain Jon. He is tall, slim, good-looking but kind of geeky. I can tell he's a nice guy though. He was smiling the whole time and trying to make me laugh.

After a few glasses of wine, we went on Mont-Royal to watch the illuminating lights stretching endlessly into the darkness. Obviously, like any heterosexual guy, he tried to kiss me a few times and I refused.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“I’m debating whether I should kiss you or not” I replied.

“And now?” he asked, few minutes later.

“Still debating.”

I probably debated for more than two hours. I was just thinking of too many things, like whether I wanted to kiss him or not, whether I will want to see him again or not and whether he’s the kind of person who will exert power and control over me or the kind of person that will not like me because of my past. I was also thinking about my resolutions of taking better care of myself and to respect my own boundaries.

“Do you not like me?” he asked.

“It takes me a lot to like someone.” I replied.

Finally we got kicked out, so we drove near my place in new Saint-Laurent where we were surrounded by half-constructed houses. He was still trying to convince me to kiss him. In the end, I let him kiss me but in the back of my mind, I wasn’t exactly sure whether I wanted or not. I felt pressured but not quite. I was worrying that the horrific events will repeat and to not be able to break the pattern. It was a mess in my head. I just wanted to cry and I did, but that's not because I'm weak. When I were living in denial and not capable of accepting, that was weak.

I think he was shocked and asked why because he thought it was his fault. At first, I just briefly said that I didn't have a simple past to avoid getting into details. Although I’m not quite sure what are the motives behind his curiosity, I still think he has every right to know what he's getting into and I don’t want to trick him into anything either. Then he asked me a few more times, and I finally told him what happened in my late childhood and early adolescence.

He says he likes me but doesn’t a person’s past make them who they are now?...but he was probably just caught in the moment. At the end of the day, most people don't have the patience nor the strength to handle that. I got a text from him when I got home and I'm not sure if it indirectly implies that he doesn’t want to deal with that...but I have the ability to sense things before they happen.

Evening skating

Today, I went skating at the old port with a guy I just met, Med. I haven't skated for at least six years and I wasn't that skilled at it even back then, so imagine now. Luckily, I only fell on my butt once, hehe.

I was very honest with him because I'm determined to not repeat the same mistake of feeding into unrealistic expectations, no matter how eager I am to please and to be liked. It's something that I'm learning to do right now. Even when he asked if I ever used people to my advantage, I said I did and I can't say I won't do it again.

"Would you be friends with users?" I asked.

"I would," he answered, after contemplating for a minute.

"I would too," I said. "They could be murderers or psychopaths but, as long as they treat me right then I don't see a problem. I never question my friends' life choices." I think that's a question that I will start asking people and it will determine how close we can ever get. There aren't any right or wrong answers; it's just that I start to realize the importance of sharing a certain level of agreement on that concern.

Then that song played among many others...

Seize the day or die
Regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here
Too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us
Changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here
So where do we go?

I've been listening to that song on repeat over and over lately. It's quite old, I think, but it still gives me goosebumps. It makes me think of all the time I've wasted, the people I've lost, the chaos brought amongst myself and the peace found again.

...I've finally become more accepting of things in general. I told him I used to keep many secrets from others but now, I don't have any secrets anymore...and it feels like skating on a merry evening, through breezes and bathed in lights. It's weightless. It feels like running out of myself. This is how it feels to be free.

"What are your secrets?" I asked.

"I wake up at night, wear a mask and fight crimes" he answered, in a serious tone.

"Oh my gosh, really? How?" I actually believed him for a second, haha.

I had a great evening!