Hi kids

I'm just trying to take a nice picture of my fat ass so I can post it on my very public blog... because I'm immature like that haha...♥

The past summer: Goodbye and good riddance

Mind made up. Finally crawling out of solitude, crawling to the start of summer, rushing into its energy. Burning bridges with some, celebrating paths recrossed with others, starting over. Working out again, setting new goals, accomplishing projects, adjusting to the craziness of my everyday. Hesitantly accepting the helping hands offered, welcoming new people in my life. Hoping to satisfy, to please, find comfort. Compromising, improving, attempting to compensate for the effort lacking in the past. Tolerating flared tempers, know-it-all bullshits. Being pushed back downwards, backwards in the confusion, abandonment, devastation. Learning lessons, escaping from life. At last, accepting all blames and crawling back to solitude.

Solitude is not to be confused with loneliness. Solitude is peaceful; it’s when no allowance is made to the eyes watching. As I grow, I quickly learnt to appreciate its lost art. Solitude is the best time for reflecting, quietly contemplating, creating and focusing on personal goals which in turn leads to critical breakthroughs or self-discovery. Solitude stipulates our desire to explore; it aliments our curiosity about the unknown and the world around us...

…but at this moment, I’m withdrawing from the chaos and blames. I’m unconnecting from all my relationships, responsibilities and social networks...in order to gradually restore, crawl out of solitude once more and over again, crawl to wintertime and rush into its charm ♥

Delicate Balance

I recently did a shoot with Von Wong for the designer Andy Nguyen's telio-winning suit titled "languishing". This is one my most difficult shoots because I had to be hung from a ceiling and wore a face strap for over 2 hours, but the results amply justify it.

Most of the time, the meaning that images try to convey is differently perceived by each of us. That's because our musical compositions and dictionaries are already more or less complete, and every word, every musical note, every object means something different to every of us. I want to share this not only because the concept is interesting but most importantly, something clicked in my mind when I saw those photos. It sets things right and I'm thankful I finally realize this...

I should start by explaining that the black version represents the stronger outer shell that we show the world and of course, the white version is the soft and vulnerable inner core. Together, they build a body where anger, pain, happiness, dreams and hopes are all accumulated inside; the whole is frightening yet so beautiful. Unfortunately, not everyone can perceive the beauty of it; some will even attempt to cherry-pick the more likeable side. The insecurities and pressure push both in attempting to stand on its own; the darker side tries to dominate while the softer side struggles to run away.

This is when we lose our stability and start transmitting confusing signals to outsiders. I'm sure for those who read my blog will see the reflection of these two extremes in my posts...


We're each other's worst enemies and we make each other's life a hell. On the other hand, no matter the amount of dispute, denial and divergence of opinion...we're incomplete without each other. We're weak without each other. We cannot be separated as we built each other up through the path we jointly walked...


In the end, we realize that each of us is strong in different senses and we compensate for the lack of each other. It's always when we decide to accept and support one another that we’re able to find that balance and to finally be at peace.

We're beautiful together and we'll continue to accompany each other on many journeys to come...

The end :)

Credits:
Photographer: Benjamin Wong
Models: Linda DreamDiamond (white version) and EJ (black version)
Hair: Eva Jinn
Makeup: Lisa-Marie Charron
Designer: Andy Nguyen
Assistants: Jo Gorsky and Kristofer Jensen

Accomplished

I'm perhaps doing this only because I'm eager to mark the end to the tasks that the old me left unaccomplished...and in all honesty, I’m completing these without the same motives. After all that reflection and the lessons learnt in between, I already arrived at new stage and naturally, the intent, meanings and motives behind changed accordingly. They went from innocent and caring to selfish, at some point evil and now, rational.

Despite everything...I still want to do this because I’m deeply marked by the generous and admirable thoughts once placed behind it. I’m getting it done for the old me; her motives were kind; mine’s are possibly selfish and neutral at best. I'm getting it done for her...so I can finally leave her behind as of today.

Just because.

Underneath every intelligible lie is the unintelligible truth; the truth that not many found the ability and strength to appreciate. There isn't much I can do anymore...but there isn't much I can't do either. Despite the good, the bad and the residue in between that I ought to bear in mind, I want to do one last thing unsupported by reason and has nothing honourable to prove. I merely enjoy imagining that smile in transition at the thought that someone out there remembers one detail of the words carelessly said. What comes from the heart does not necessitate any reward. Such genuinity slowly grows rarer nowadays...but let's remind ourselves that it's really worth everything.

Stubborn and shameless

You stalkers totally cannot live without me, ha!
♥♥♥
Anyone who dreams to achieve higher and become a better person will, at some point, suffer vertigo. Contrarily to popular belief, vertigo is not necessarily that fear of falling. It is beyond fear; vertigo is a desire to fall into what we once were so terrified of. It’s that eagerness to give up all we possess and fall into what we once fought hard to break the chains that tied us to.

A long familiar voice is calling me back; there is something blissful about the helpless and lonely days. There is something pleasurable in all that hatred, denial and disrespect. There’s something captivating in errors and mistakes. It’s almost hypnotizing. From time to time, that madness tries to lure me back…

Luckily, there's something that always picks me from that constant state of vertigo. An adequate amount of it is needed whenever I have to put in twice as much effort as others would because the truth is that I'm just not as smart as everyone thinks I am. I took initiative to better my life and it keeps me going whenever that pressure on my back becomes too heavy to bear. It keeps me sane and away from all unhealthy influences. That something that picks me from vertigo is a personality trait that has various names and labels.

A different name and definition exist for that same trait depending on the circumstances, friends and family’s opinions, society’s culture, ethics, religion and so on. Persistence, stubbornness, obstinacy, tenaciousness, determinedness, hard-headedness …or even pig-headedness are all synonyms for the same trait.

The only difference is that persistence, tenaciousness and determinedness are positive terms for the simple fact that everyone approves your idea. On the other hand, stubbornness, obstinacy and pig-headedness have negative connotations because no one agrees with you.

Differently said, it means that you’re only considered persistent when you have a vision that aligns with the majority…but it becomes stubbornness when your vision is that of which no one understands. You’re tenacious when you refuse to let go of things considered worthy by society...but you become pig-headed if that worth is lost in the eyes of the public.

As for me, I’ve been called stubborn repeatedly. I don’t think I ever argued back nor did I try to convince anyone of the opposite because there’s something ironic about it; attempting to convince others that you’re not stubborn is a stubborn act in itself. Everyone can say the right words at the right timing but in the end, only actions matter.

What are those people showing me by trying to convince me that their reason is more valid than mine? Could it be possible that those people are unsatisfied for being unable to persuade me or to prove that they are more correct than I am so they call me stubborn to make me sound more wrong? Could it be possible that those people cherry-picked the more likeable traits of my personality and therefore, they feel like I should more resemble to the character they imagined me to be? Who knows.

I realized that they will always talk you down for that trait.
They will always talk like it is a character flaw.
I know a lot of those people whose intelligence is just so stupid…

In fact, I don’t even get offended anymore because it is basically just to say that I know what I want but they have no means to understand it because they haven’t seen what I’ve seen. As simple as that.

In the end; I’m the only one knowledgeable enough to judge my own actions.
You can call me stubborn and all you want, I'm shameless about it!

Out of sync

Situated above the Verkhoyansk Mountains two years ago, I realized for the first time that I were very limited and know only so little. The higher summits symbolized the new and more complex questions that continually inspire us to acquire new knowledge that will serve us in answering them.

Observing my life and current situation from far away is not new to me anymore…but I still learn a great deal and never failed to discover new answers every time I do so. On the other hand, I always come back feeling out of sync with people…and very out of touch. Sometimes, solitude is perhaps that disadvantageous aspect of growing, at a different pace, unaccompanied...