It seems like everyone in my life is becoming toxic in some way.
There is the desperate one who uses her friends to make herself more interesting. She is self-loathing, talks about the same issue over and over again, complains everyday but never made an effort to change.
There is also the one that's been talking about accomplishing something for as long as I've known her for, anything that is passionate to her she says...(or perhaps anything that earns good money), but ends up always giving up before even starting. She never intends to grow, only dreams to become rich.
There is the one that blames his misfortune on everything but himself and projects his misery onto other people. He is hopelessly self-destructive and focuses energy on the wrong things.
Oh and how can I forget the narcissist one with enough backbone to walk, but not enough to wear some pants and use words.
Most people are unhappy, and depend on others, most don't have the resources or the options to be any different. Most never thought that far ahead. If I find everyone toxic, then maybe I am the toxic one for having no empathy and no patience at all towards my friends. Most of them have never really done anything wrong to me, but hearing about their same cycle of misery, complaints, resolutions and the reasons why they can't after all, just drains my energy. I can't deal with emotional vampires anymore.
I want to live a positive life and I don't need to be affected by their negative energy.
Most people are toxic and suck the life out of me. Most follow the rules and have too man reasons why they can't.
I'm not saying I'm immune to humanity's stupidity, because I do have my moments.
Although, life has slowed down since covid-19, I still think 2020 might be one of my best year so far...because I don't need anybody, or anything or to be anywhere to be happy. I have everything I need already and I'm only here to enjoy the ride.
My first ever product
Saturday, 29 February 2020
"Who in their right mind would buy a picture frame for 25$?" my mom says.
"Well mom, people don't buy stuff with their mind."
Dyno's first real mountain hike
Tuesday, 24 December 2019
Dyno is not a big fan of the cold, but this week was kind of warmer so I decided to take him on a small hike. He is pretty good off leash, if he walks in front, he always looks back to make sure I'm behind. Otherwise, he usually walks right behind me.
I've taken my parents to that same mountain few years ago, the hike took 3 hours and my dad couldn't take it. My dog did it in under 2 hours. Hopefully, next summer I'll be able to take him on real hikes :)
2019
Saturday, 14 December 2019
2019 was probably one of the happiest years of my adult life. There were many good changes and moments out of my comfort zone. It was one of the years where I've mostly made good decisions for myself, overall stayed aligned with my values and one where I was living. Even though I might have accomplished more in previous years, I don't know if I was truly happy...maybe I was more proud than happy.
This year, I woke up in a small town in Arizona in the middle of a snowstorm wishing I was home. I was in a relationship where I was unhappy and lonely. I was walking on eggshells; there were more crying and yelling than talking. But as one of my best friend would say, the best thing about this in 2019, is that it's finally over.
In the middle of winter, I brought Dyno home. Puppyhood was exhausting but I learned so much about life and the art of living it. Dyno made me realize I needed to slow down and prioritize the things that are meaningful...and suddenly, I'm not that busy anymore. I can just go live my life and try new things, see new things and learn new things. He has filled my life with joy ever since.
This year, I've developed an interest in handicrafts, and home depot became my favorite store. Most furniture in my home is custom and made of different types of wood. I also built some little things such as tree stump stools, wooden spool table and Dyno's crate. I'm not going to lie, I did get help from my ex and others friends. I like that every piece looks unique and has a story. When people ask me where I bought this or that...I'm going to say, I made it.
As spring slowly settled in, I reconnected with an old friend and we took a latte art class together...the kind of thing I would never have done before. She really inspired me because she was not afraid to explore her interests to see where a little spark would take her. She was full of ambitions and not afraid to connect with different people...kind of like my younger self, but I feel I've lost that passion. She reminded me that life is not a race and to not be afraid to waste time to do things that you normally would not do. Always keep an open mind because there is a whole universe we would not see had we chosen otherwise.
In spring, I started doing Yoga again, but this time with a different approach. I used to do yoga as a physical activity, I did it to feel stronger and loose weight. There were times when going to class felt like a chore to me, and I could not wait to be done so I could do the other two million things on my to-do list. There were also times I decided to sleep through class...why would I even do this if I chose to be there you might ask. I think sometimes you feel you have to do things but the intention is not there. Now, I put in effort to focus on the mind and be present during class. A session of yoga makes me feel so good and it helps me find clarity.
I also started painting. I do it so rarely and the times I do, it really takes my mind off things. When I was younger, I was often distracted. I often multi-tasked to save time and to get things done quicker. Now I really value focus and painting helps with concentration. Also, it allows me to escape my analytical mind, the straight lines and the rules.
This year, I started meditating more...and to be honest, I can hardly do it for more than 30 seconds at a time before I get lost in my thoughts again. However, all these things, like paining, doing yoga and listening to audiobooks help me focus on one thing at a time. It's so important to notice your thoughts and to not get involved in them. I'm still not very good at it but this is something I want to dedicate some time to on a daily basis.
This year, I saw shooting stars for the first time. I was sitting by the fire, not paying attention to the sky at all, but as soon as I looked up, the shooting stars ran across the sky and, and disappeared in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't have notice them had I not look up at the right moment. In life and as in this case, one of the most important things is timing. It never ceases to amaze me, and it makes our imagination go wild because we will never understand these meaningful coincidence without causal relationship, but I'm sure are related.
This summer, I started lead climbing. I've mostly done bouldering since I started climbing and it's a good way to practice technical skills and power movements. However lead climbing really made me stronger. The adrenaline you feel while you climb, the fear when you're at your uttermost limit before you have clipped and the endorphin after you fall makes it one of my favorite climbing styles.
Additionally, I've also started climbing outside. Climbing at the gym is good for training but the real fun is outdoors. It is challenging physically, but in my opinion, the real challenge is the knot inside our mind. I learned to focus and not let fear and irrationality get to me, to trust my belayer, my equipment and I need to trust my judgement. It's a real mental exercise...and you are only as capable as you believe you are.
I'm also finally able to do pull ups. Two years ago, I bought a pull-up bar and made it my resolution to do pull-ups. I gave up after a month. This summer, as I was walking in a park, I saw a pull-up bar and decided to give it a try and I did 3 in a row. I know it's not a lot but I was so happy because I didn't even know I could. I did drop 20 pounds this summer too so that definitely helped. However this isn't the point. The point is, it doesn't matter what your body looks like, what's most important is what it can do. Being strong is so much more satisfying than being pretty. My hands are full of callous but I can do pull ups on my finger tips.
This summer, I tried pole-dancing for the first time because I received 30 free passes. Naturally as a rock-climber, I have a lot of upper body strength and strong grip so I can do most moves after a few sessions, but not necessarily executed in the most gracious way. You need a good combination of strength, feminine power, confidence and vulnerability to do this. I know many girls find it empowering but I personally never experienced body image issues so to me, it was just fun. I definitely prefer climbing walls but I'm happy I tried pole-dancing too.
I tried SUP for the first time this summer as well, something I wanted to try for a very long time. Sometimes, just getting off that chair, clear your agenda and actually take action is the hardest part, and it's never that motivating. However once you've done it, you would be so glad you did and it's always worth it.
This year, I did not travel anywhere far, mostly because of Dyno. However, we did some road trips together and there are so many more places I want to go to. I always wanted to try vanlife but I know it's not for me in the long-run. However, I want to do it just for a month for fun. Next year, I want to drive all the way to the west of the continent and hike all the national parks and come back from the USA.
As summer was coming to an end, I went canoe-camping for the first time. I never took the courage to actually go because I was scared of different things that could happen in the water, and the weather might not be good, and I don't even know how to properly navigate a canoe, etc. One day for a reason I can't explain, I just felt like I had to do it. You don't have to wait for someone to be available to do things with you, you can be comfortable alone and have lots of fun. Wait, I'm not alone, I have my dog.
This year, I started cooking more...mostly for my family once in a while. When I was younger, I sometimes go eat at my grand-parent's place, but having them over is something I have never done before. Cooking with someone is bonding, and cooking for others too. On regular days, I still shamelessly eat at my parent's house.
As the year is almost coming to an end, I found new business goals. I used to say I wanted to retire in my thirties because I've lost my ambition. In my junior years, I did everything I could to get what I wanted, but now I don't want to exchange time for money anymore. I know I'm already very lucky I don't have to work everyday and can work from anywhere but I'm still very much exhausted, maybe because I've grown complacent. I just can't help but roll my eyes anymore. However this year, some combination of factors made me want to do something different and learn something new. I want that uncertainty and excitement again. If you don't believe you are average, then try something new and seize an opportunity, then see how many obstacles and bad decisions it takes before you decide to quit. Statistically, after 1 or 2 failed attempts at something new or difficult, 99.9% of people never try again. I want to find out where I stand in those statistics.
For 2020, I will keep doing things with intent and meditate more. I will keep living a minimalist lifestyle. I will put my health and well-being above everything. I will continue to try new things and go to new places with Dyno. I will stay aligned with my values when facing tough decisions. I also hope to find the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life expected of me and I hope to have the courage to express true feelings and be happy.
This year, I woke up in a small town in Arizona in the middle of a snowstorm wishing I was home. I was in a relationship where I was unhappy and lonely. I was walking on eggshells; there were more crying and yelling than talking. But as one of my best friend would say, the best thing about this in 2019, is that it's finally over.
In the middle of winter, I brought Dyno home. Puppyhood was exhausting but I learned so much about life and the art of living it. Dyno made me realize I needed to slow down and prioritize the things that are meaningful...and suddenly, I'm not that busy anymore. I can just go live my life and try new things, see new things and learn new things. He has filled my life with joy ever since.
This year, I've developed an interest in handicrafts, and home depot became my favorite store. Most furniture in my home is custom and made of different types of wood. I also built some little things such as tree stump stools, wooden spool table and Dyno's crate. I'm not going to lie, I did get help from my ex and others friends. I like that every piece looks unique and has a story. When people ask me where I bought this or that...I'm going to say, I made it.
As spring slowly settled in, I reconnected with an old friend and we took a latte art class together...the kind of thing I would never have done before. She really inspired me because she was not afraid to explore her interests to see where a little spark would take her. She was full of ambitions and not afraid to connect with different people...kind of like my younger self, but I feel I've lost that passion. She reminded me that life is not a race and to not be afraid to waste time to do things that you normally would not do. Always keep an open mind because there is a whole universe we would not see had we chosen otherwise.
In spring, I started doing Yoga again, but this time with a different approach. I used to do yoga as a physical activity, I did it to feel stronger and loose weight. There were times when going to class felt like a chore to me, and I could not wait to be done so I could do the other two million things on my to-do list. There were also times I decided to sleep through class...why would I even do this if I chose to be there you might ask. I think sometimes you feel you have to do things but the intention is not there. Now, I put in effort to focus on the mind and be present during class. A session of yoga makes me feel so good and it helps me find clarity.
I also started painting. I do it so rarely and the times I do, it really takes my mind off things. When I was younger, I was often distracted. I often multi-tasked to save time and to get things done quicker. Now I really value focus and painting helps with concentration. Also, it allows me to escape my analytical mind, the straight lines and the rules.
This year, I started meditating more...and to be honest, I can hardly do it for more than 30 seconds at a time before I get lost in my thoughts again. However, all these things, like paining, doing yoga and listening to audiobooks help me focus on one thing at a time. It's so important to notice your thoughts and to not get involved in them. I'm still not very good at it but this is something I want to dedicate some time to on a daily basis.
This year, I saw shooting stars for the first time. I was sitting by the fire, not paying attention to the sky at all, but as soon as I looked up, the shooting stars ran across the sky and, and disappeared in the blink of an eye. I wouldn't have notice them had I not look up at the right moment. In life and as in this case, one of the most important things is timing. It never ceases to amaze me, and it makes our imagination go wild because we will never understand these meaningful coincidence without causal relationship, but I'm sure are related.
This summer, I started lead climbing. I've mostly done bouldering since I started climbing and it's a good way to practice technical skills and power movements. However lead climbing really made me stronger. The adrenaline you feel while you climb, the fear when you're at your uttermost limit before you have clipped and the endorphin after you fall makes it one of my favorite climbing styles.
Additionally, I've also started climbing outside. Climbing at the gym is good for training but the real fun is outdoors. It is challenging physically, but in my opinion, the real challenge is the knot inside our mind. I learned to focus and not let fear and irrationality get to me, to trust my belayer, my equipment and I need to trust my judgement. It's a real mental exercise...and you are only as capable as you believe you are.
I'm also finally able to do pull ups. Two years ago, I bought a pull-up bar and made it my resolution to do pull-ups. I gave up after a month. This summer, as I was walking in a park, I saw a pull-up bar and decided to give it a try and I did 3 in a row. I know it's not a lot but I was so happy because I didn't even know I could. I did drop 20 pounds this summer too so that definitely helped. However this isn't the point. The point is, it doesn't matter what your body looks like, what's most important is what it can do. Being strong is so much more satisfying than being pretty. My hands are full of callous but I can do pull ups on my finger tips.
This summer, I tried pole-dancing for the first time because I received 30 free passes. Naturally as a rock-climber, I have a lot of upper body strength and strong grip so I can do most moves after a few sessions, but not necessarily executed in the most gracious way. You need a good combination of strength, feminine power, confidence and vulnerability to do this. I know many girls find it empowering but I personally never experienced body image issues so to me, it was just fun. I definitely prefer climbing walls but I'm happy I tried pole-dancing too.
I tried SUP for the first time this summer as well, something I wanted to try for a very long time. Sometimes, just getting off that chair, clear your agenda and actually take action is the hardest part, and it's never that motivating. However once you've done it, you would be so glad you did and it's always worth it.
This year, I did not travel anywhere far, mostly because of Dyno. However, we did some road trips together and there are so many more places I want to go to. I always wanted to try vanlife but I know it's not for me in the long-run. However, I want to do it just for a month for fun. Next year, I want to drive all the way to the west of the continent and hike all the national parks and come back from the USA.
As summer was coming to an end, I went canoe-camping for the first time. I never took the courage to actually go because I was scared of different things that could happen in the water, and the weather might not be good, and I don't even know how to properly navigate a canoe, etc. One day for a reason I can't explain, I just felt like I had to do it. You don't have to wait for someone to be available to do things with you, you can be comfortable alone and have lots of fun. Wait, I'm not alone, I have my dog.
This year, I started cooking more...mostly for my family once in a while. When I was younger, I sometimes go eat at my grand-parent's place, but having them over is something I have never done before. Cooking with someone is bonding, and cooking for others too. On regular days, I still shamelessly eat at my parent's house.
As the year is almost coming to an end, I found new business goals. I used to say I wanted to retire in my thirties because I've lost my ambition. In my junior years, I did everything I could to get what I wanted, but now I don't want to exchange time for money anymore. I know I'm already very lucky I don't have to work everyday and can work from anywhere but I'm still very much exhausted, maybe because I've grown complacent. I just can't help but roll my eyes anymore. However this year, some combination of factors made me want to do something different and learn something new. I want that uncertainty and excitement again. If you don't believe you are average, then try something new and seize an opportunity, then see how many obstacles and bad decisions it takes before you decide to quit. Statistically, after 1 or 2 failed attempts at something new or difficult, 99.9% of people never try again. I want to find out where I stand in those statistics.
For 2020, I will keep doing things with intent and meditate more. I will keep living a minimalist lifestyle. I will put my health and well-being above everything. I will continue to try new things and go to new places with Dyno. I will stay aligned with my values when facing tough decisions. I also hope to find the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life expected of me and I hope to have the courage to express true feelings and be happy.
Tête-à-tête with Jackie: Riding a cow while finding a horse
Sunday, 1 December 2019
"You know, you are living the dream of many people. You are educated, you traveled the world, you have a great career, you have a nice car, you bought your own place and you have your own business before 30..."
"...but have you ever seen any women who are highly successful in their career and in their personal life at the same time? Usually you are either have one or the other...the other is inevitably sacrificed. And if you have both, it's most likely mediocre"
"It's a question of timing."
"Yes timing is everything. Sometimes I just wonder...if I apply the same mentality I have for work for my personal life, would it be more successful? You know how at work, you don't start with your ideal, you feel like you deserve more but you sometimes start low. You are overworked but you know it will pay off, so you sacrifice for it. As soon as you get the experience, you say fuck it and take a better offer. In Chinese, it's called riding a cow while finding a horse...but in dating, can you really date someone who is below your standards?"
"Hahaha"
"...but have you ever seen any women who are highly successful in their career and in their personal life at the same time? Usually you are either have one or the other...the other is inevitably sacrificed. And if you have both, it's most likely mediocre"
"It's a question of timing."
"Yes timing is everything. Sometimes I just wonder...if I apply the same mentality I have for work for my personal life, would it be more successful? You know how at work, you don't start with your ideal, you feel like you deserve more but you sometimes start low. You are overworked but you know it will pay off, so you sacrifice for it. As soon as you get the experience, you say fuck it and take a better offer. In Chinese, it's called riding a cow while finding a horse...but in dating, can you really date someone who is below your standards?"
"Hahaha"
Dyno's 1st Birthday
Saturday, 30 November 2019
Dyno has taught me so much about life in general, he loves everybody, he wants to meet every one. Even though he is generally wary and skeptical of new things, he still finds the courage to face his fears...and sometimes his fears can be something as stupid a blanket that is not at its usual place. The other day, I waited a good 20 minutes for him to walk pass the blanket that fell on the floor. He probably thinks there is a monster under or something. I was so proud of him even for something simple like that.
Most importantly, he has taught me to be more patient. I'm the type of person that can do some outrageous things when I'm mad. There were 2 times that I lashed out on him. The first time was 2-3 weeks after I got him, I locked him in the bathroom inside his carrier where he could not stand or sit because he still cried in his crate at night. The next day, my mom told me that he looked retarded and got dumber than before, and he is not peeing on the pad. Then I learned something, dogs can only strive with love.
The second time was after 3-4 months, he kept barking at another dog in the hallway which got me very mad. As soon as I got home, I started throwing things, even threw my keys at him and I yelled at him. I cried after because I'm afraid that he will be scared of me and will not trust me anymore. Some things cannot be repaired when damage is done, and it's never worth it for a moment of anger. I've decided then that I will never ever act that way again no matter how mad I am.
Today is Dyno's birthday and I wanted to spend all day with him. I even baked him a cake that is safe for dogs and humans. To him, today is just like any other day though. He doesn't think about yesterday or what's to come tomorrow, he just lives in the moment. He doesn't know what I've done or what I will become, but he definitely knows me better that I do, he can feel things and notices every small gestures and the world around him...unlike me who usually avoids eye contact and don't really try to observe strangers. Because of him, I get to connect with people more. He is just a happy dog living his best life. I love him so much and I can never get tired of talking about him <3
Most importantly, he has taught me to be more patient. I'm the type of person that can do some outrageous things when I'm mad. There were 2 times that I lashed out on him. The first time was 2-3 weeks after I got him, I locked him in the bathroom inside his carrier where he could not stand or sit because he still cried in his crate at night. The next day, my mom told me that he looked retarded and got dumber than before, and he is not peeing on the pad. Then I learned something, dogs can only strive with love.
The second time was after 3-4 months, he kept barking at another dog in the hallway which got me very mad. As soon as I got home, I started throwing things, even threw my keys at him and I yelled at him. I cried after because I'm afraid that he will be scared of me and will not trust me anymore. Some things cannot be repaired when damage is done, and it's never worth it for a moment of anger. I've decided then that I will never ever act that way again no matter how mad I am.
Today is Dyno's birthday and I wanted to spend all day with him. I even baked him a cake that is safe for dogs and humans. To him, today is just like any other day though. He doesn't think about yesterday or what's to come tomorrow, he just lives in the moment. He doesn't know what I've done or what I will become, but he definitely knows me better that I do, he can feel things and notices every small gestures and the world around him...unlike me who usually avoids eye contact and don't really try to observe strangers. Because of him, I get to connect with people more. He is just a happy dog living his best life. I love him so much and I can never get tired of talking about him <3
Canoe-Camping, part 2
Wednesday, 6 November 2019
There is something I did not mention about the canoe-camping trip, but I actually left the day before I was supposed to leave.
Here is what happened.
Here is what happened.
I was relaxing on my the beach and I wasn't really looking at Dyno. He can't really do much nasty stuff, or can he? He was just sitting next to the cooler and 2 bags containing food. Everytime I turned my head, he would be just sitting there and looking at me innocently.
Then I went to check on him, and saw some sort of foil papers on the sand, and I thought it was probably the wrap used to bake potatoes last night which I was just left in the fire ring. Later, I went to take a nap in the tent, and he slept next to me, but then he vomited twice shortly after. Dyno has a fragile stomach so I don't worry much when he vomits. I cleaned up his vomit and decided to go grab snack. I looked for my chocolate in the bag and could not find it anywhere, even though I'm sure I've left it there.
...and then I clicked. The foil looking paper was not aluminium foil but the chocolate wrap.
I was like...crap. Chocolate is toxic for dogs and can kill them. I was on an island, far from civilization so there wasn't much I could do. So I googled a calculator to calculate the risk level depending on the type of chocolate, quantity and weight of the dog. He had milk chocolate which is the least toxic, and the calculator said the risks are low. Then I googled what to do, and it said to have him vomit. He already did, great.
At this point, it was around 6pm...and there was 1 hour left before sunset. Dyno wasn't feeling well, he seemed low in energy and he was shaking because of the cold and probably because he wasn't feeling great, and I was worried about him although logically, I knew he should be fine. There was rain forecasted for the morning when I planned to leave...and I debated for a while...is it better to leave in the rain or in the dark? And I think it's probably better to leave tonight considering the situation.
I packed up my stuff fast, because my island is quite far and I don't want to struggle with directions in the dark. I left at 6:36pm and sunset was a few minutes before 7pm. It took me a good hour and a half to get to the island, so even if I paddle non-stop, I estimate I would make it in an hour which would already be past sunset. I left the island and started paddling, the waves crashing agaisnt my canoe was pretty scary and I thought to myself, even if it gets dark, as long as I stay in my canoe, I should survive, and apparently canoes are stable.
First, I had to reach the big islands but there is quite a bit of distance not to mention it was windy that evening. It was probably the roughest part as there was nothing to protect us from the wind, but at least there was still day light and it was manageable. There was brief rain, which is fine. I was tired but I kept going. I wanted to take off my jacket because I was hot, but I didn't even want to waste time doing it. I was racing against time and every second counted. It seemed never ending as the current kept pushing me back.
First, I had to reach the big islands but there is quite a bit of distance not to mention it was windy that evening. It was probably the roughest part as there was nothing to protect us from the wind, but at least there was still day light and it was manageable. There was brief rain, which is fine. I was tired but I kept going. I wanted to take off my jacket because I was hot, but I didn't even want to waste time doing it. I was racing against time and every second counted. It seemed never ending as the current kept pushing me back.
Once I finally reached the big islands, I tried to stay close so I won't be hit by the wind. Also, I think that was not the route I used at the beginning which worried me. At this point, there was probably 30% of sunlight left. I crashed into an island because I was going too fast and I could not stop the canoe. There was still wind, just a bit less terrible.
It was getting darker by the second. I made a turn somewhere and I recognized a tree that I have seen at the beginning and I remember it because I thought it looked like a statue. At this point, it was all dark but I remember the dock was diagonally ahead from that statue-looking tree. There were 3 lights that I could see and probably one of them was the dock. I went towards the brightest, not realizing that the brightest was actually on the opposite side of the river, but it was already pitch black and I could not distinguish dimensions anymore. Lights on both sides seemed like they were on the same side.
I could not see the dock until I was 2 meters from it, and struggled a bit to tie the canoe to the dock but that was the easy part. It was definitely scary but I'm so happy. The drive back was scary too but less scary than being in the water.
I monitored Dyno for the next couple of days and he is fine now.
It was getting darker by the second. I made a turn somewhere and I recognized a tree that I have seen at the beginning and I remember it because I thought it looked like a statue. At this point, it was all dark but I remember the dock was diagonally ahead from that statue-looking tree. There were 3 lights that I could see and probably one of them was the dock. I went towards the brightest, not realizing that the brightest was actually on the opposite side of the river, but it was already pitch black and I could not distinguish dimensions anymore. Lights on both sides seemed like they were on the same side.
I could not see the dock until I was 2 meters from it, and struggled a bit to tie the canoe to the dock but that was the easy part. It was definitely scary but I'm so happy. The drive back was scary too but less scary than being in the water.
I monitored Dyno for the next couple of days and he is fine now.
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