I've never been afraid to say the truth, but with him, I started wanting to lie...to avoid problems and conflicts. He would always insist that I'm lying even if I'm not. Every little detail made him think that I'm seeing someone else.

He told me he discovered his ex cheated on him because he saw a text from a guy when she was sleeping. I once received a text while I was sleeping, it was a friend who sent me a link to a video at 2am. This friend works in a restaurant so he sleeps late. He woke me up and forced me to open my phone to show him. What kind of person texts another at 2am? Why don't you answer? he asked. I started avoiding to look at my cellphone in his presence. Even if he is not in the same room, I avoid looking at my phone or if I have to, I'll do it quickly...even if all I wanted was to read an article at night.

I even avoid spending time with my male friends because he thinks friendship between male and female is impossible. I have male friends that I care about a lot, and who I enjoy talking with and do activities together, but just have no interest romantically. I think it's totally healthy.

I keep wondering...is it me? is it him? how much can I really endure? Instead of growing, I'm shrinking in this relationship.

Why is there so much dust in front on your front door? Did you bring someone from the climbing gym over? Why are your plants so dry? Looks like you were busy doing something else instead of taking care of your plants. Why is there a measuring tape on the counter, did you have another guy work on your furniture? Why is there a bottle of red wine in the fridge, did someone come over? Why are there so many dishes on your dish rack? Are you alone to eat with 4 plates? Where is your other cellphone that never has battery? Turn it on and show me what's in there. You just received a text, why don't you read it? Oh it's Michel texting you. Who is Michel? He yells at me saying I'm a manipulator and take advantage of others, he says he hopes I get raped in the metro, and I deserve to die.

It's ridiculous. There is dust at my front door because I walked outside and there is construction in my garage. My plants are dry because I'm busy with work, I spend time with him and I have to take care of my puppy. There is a measuring tape, because I want to buy a dining table. There is a bottle of wine because a friend came over which I've told him about...and I knew I should have thrown it away because I knew he would think that, but even for me to think that is a problem right there. There are 4 plates because I don't wash my plates right away, I let them accumulate in the sink. My other cellphone has no battery because I don't use it. Michel is the boyfriend of my friend and we planned on taking a latte art class all 3 of us together. I take advantage of others, but he still owes me almost 3K for the trip...but nah, none of what I say is true. I'm a liar.

One day, my dog was happy to see him, but he kicked him away. He says I protect my dog too much, but when he is angry, he yells at my dog or kicks his carrier, which makes me even more protective of my dog. I mean, my puppy is so innocent and doesn't even know what the heck he is yelling about. He knows my dog is afraid of height and he intentionally put my dog on the window sill to scare him. 

During our trip together, people thought we were so happy together. Who could have guessed that we argued every couple of days. We argued so much that the police came to our hotel room one night. I was miserable.

There is always a lot of yelling, and I'm a generally calm person...I just couldn't take it anymore. It's driving me insane. I hate emotional ups and downs, it scares me a lot...because it reminds me of my relationships when I was younger. But to him, that is passion. I tell him it's not, it just means he is not emotionally mature. He always tells me I don't know how to be in a relationship, well maybe I don't, but I don't deserve all those insults. It's true I'm generally more independent, which is normal for someone who hasn't jumped from relationships to relationships. I enjoy some time spent alone, time spent with friends, and just doing things I like...but I always take time to talk to him everyday.

I once told him that one day, when he meets someone as insecure as him, he will think it's crazy love, but in reality, it will be one unhealthy and codependent relationship. Sometimes I appreciate him a lot. I never met a guy who made so much effort for me. Even though I'd rather be alone during that trip, I still miss the times we had. Other than his jealousy, insecurity and lack of trust, he is a great person. I miss him and I'm terribly sad, as crazy as it sounds. But I know it's for the best.

2018

2018 was mostly difficult. 

Who am I and what are my values, I ask myself. Perhaps, I don't have any. I hope and I make believe. I'm crazy, I'm out of touch and out of reach. You think you have everything and so, you allow yourself to do anything...even the wrong things...because, what can I not do?

I try to think of the things I've learned this year, but all I remember is working day and night, trying to please, trying to lie, trying to be happy.

One thing I definitely learned this year though, is the loneliness of being with someone. It's nothing like being alone on your own. It's like a prison; you scream until your lungs explode, but you're never heard. You try to communicate but you are never understood. This emotional roller coaster is scary and all so familiar. You want to give up, but is this the end?

It was a year of many sacrifices, a year where I have not respected myself, a year I got lost. I'm questioning and trying to make some sense, but here we are, in 2019, and things haven't changed. I have everything people could wish for, but on the last day of 2018, I was laying in bed, unhappy.

Despite everything...I know 2019 will be a better year.

I just know.

The colour of the grass

We live in a world where we passively wait to be impressed, we wait to be carried away, we wait for something to happen. We always think the grass is greener on the other side, and some people spend their lives looking for greener landscape. It's not until you get to the other side that you realize that the color of the grass never mattered. It was inside our mind all along.

I'm writing this because I think I've been self-absorbed and transactional for so long. I never had any interest in people nor do I care about sharing experiences. I want to do something different this time and start showing some interest, because people's most interesting side come out when we become interested. People start to blossom when we show curiosity and ask the right questions, but it always starts with us and our mindset.

It makes me think of people browsing mindlessly for hours on netflix and think nothing is interesting just by looking at the title and a few line of description...when really, the way to enjoy a movie is to, very simply, watch a movie.

Michael

I met Michael five year ago in Africa.

There was something that drawn me to him...his curiosity, his contagious smile and his perspectives.

One time, late at night, I caught him writing a e-mail to his folks back home. I read it over his shoulders. He had interesting ways to describe things that I found mundane or have gotten used to, which I loved about him. He was always making the best out of life and was very appreciative of the very simple things.

On a long bus ride when he was asleep, I went through his phone out of curiosity. He had a list of things he wanted to accomplish and skills he wanted to acquire, such as purchasing a home, learning to sail, becoming chartered and finding a good girl. He purchased a home shortly after going back home. As for finding a good girl, he's never been in love and he refused to settle for less. "You're the nicest guy I have ever met" I said to him. "I'm just a very normal guy" he answered, which I still find unbelievable.

His knee was deformed and he had many surgeries. His doctor warned him that he could not do any high impact sports anymore. Three weeks later, he was running on the beach. He went on to climb the rooftop of Africa, Kilimanjaro, and continued to pursue his dreams. He was unstoppable.

He is actually the one who inspired me to love mountains and to embrace nature. He made me want to live my life differently. I remember he enjoyed walking with naked feet...he never forgets the earth, and the earth would certainly never forget him.

We enjoyed crazy boat rides that made me vomit the life out of me, we slept at the bottom of Kilimanjaro, we went game driving, sunset watching and many late night talks under the milky way...he made my trip to Africa unforgettable. I remember how he hated it when I gave him orders, which now makes me laugh...and cry.
 
On November 15th, Michael died in the Himalayas after a falling rock severed his climbing ropes as he descended a peak near Mount Everest.

I really miss him. He had a tattoo on his right arm that read "One life". I hate tattoos, but on him, it was perfect. Nobody could have wore that tattoo better than him. 

I'm getting a dog

So, I've made a big-ish decision. I'm getting a dog. I feel I'm ready for this, and I think I need it. For some years, I've been spending my energy at the wrong places and I think getting a dog will keep me more sane. I want to spend less time working, and I want to rediscover, relearn so many things that I've lost. I think getting a dog could be the answer. I think I could do this for another living being.

I'm getting a red male miniature poodle, and let me explain. I used to love big dogs, especially the sled dogs such as huskies or malamutes, and I still love them. So why did I settle for a miniature poodle? I know these days, you can get mixes of huskies with smaller breeds, such as the pomsky, which could be awesome for someone who lives in a condo but who enjoys an active lifestyle. However, I decided that a smarter breed is a very important criteria for me at this time.

Why the miniature poodle?

+They aren't just beauties without a brain, they are the second smartest breed of dog, which will make them very easy to train

+They aren't "sissy" dogs like many people think they are. They are very athletic, they excel in obedience and agility competitions, and they are so gracious and elegant.

+They are the most active size of poodle, but they can also be calm, which suits me perfectly because I do have a job that requires me to sit all day long, but I love being outdoors on the weekend.

+They don't shed, which awesome, because everybody who's been to my place will probably know that I'm a neat-freak.

+They are small enough to carry around, meaning it would be more convenient for me to bring them to more places.

+They are so damn adorkable!

I did my research and found a reputable breeder, the waiting time is 6 months. It is very important to me that I get a healthy purebred puppy, and I'm the 10th person on the waiting list. In a way, I think if I were a dog, I would be a poodle. I know, what people say. Why don't you adopt? So many dogs need a home. Well...do you get mad if people don't drive an electric car? So yeah...

I'm officially pregnant.

We always hope

I went into this knowing my chest will ache a little more, but what have I not seen?

Sometimes, I think I know him...but other times, he really isn't all of that. Everytime I think we're getting closer, I realize I'm stuck one step behind. I'm strong and can handle anything, I tell myself. These past few months, I tried my best to be myself.

It's always a circle of us coming, staying and going our opposite ways...and I always come back, and I'm taken for granted. These past few days have been especially hard. Pretending is so hard. Reminding myself that we're just each other's stop-gap is hard. There is so much I want to say but there is no place for that...

The euphoria lasts for a while but the emptiness of knowing is worst. You would think I should know better by now, but maybe this is the fairytale...we always hope.

And maybe this time, it's time to walk.

Some words can be forgiven but never forgotten. The truth does hurt sometimes, but who can I blame. So many years of healing and trying to piece yourself back together, so many lies told to project the image of a good person...why am going back now. These feelings of shame and worthlessness come back from time to time. These habits of trying to please. Somedays I'm hurt, somedays I'm unfazed and dissociated..