Big Slide

A year ago, I bought my first pair of hiking boots without ever being on a hike. I always felt there was something about being alone in the woods...something poetic, therapeutic and magical.

My first hike was a "difficult" hike; the loop of Mont St-Josepth, Mont Victoria and Mont Megantic. That hike almost destroyed me, but I didn't stop. I slowly bought all kinds of gear to make hiking funner and easier, learned some techniques along the way and built the confidence to hike alone.

Now, I'm able to initiate other people to hiking, most of my entourage hiked at least once with me, which I really appreciate and proud of. Last weekend, I brought some friends to Big Slide Mountain. The view was amazing; probably one of the nicest view in the Adirondacks.

People often assume that I love hiking...I'm still not sure if I do...but one thing I know for sure is that I'm really addicted to that feeling of complete exhaustion, emptiness and relief.

Dating game part 4: When you're opponent is your heart

This one will be the last one I talk about in this series.

I don't want to miss any details, but it's been a while now. I've written about him before without mentioning specifically about anybody. I've written so much about him because I'm still trying to justify it.

It was towards the end of 2013 when I moved to a larger firm. People often say they would never date a coworker, but the thing is, we work in different teams in one of the largest firms; we never have to deal with each other at work. We would certainly never talk to each other if it wasn't because I went towards him. It's almost as if we worked in a big shopping mall, and I work at Wal-Mart while he worked at Target.

I think people don't want to deal with this because they are scared of what might happen if you date someone from work and end up hating each other, the person might spread rumors, you might still have to see their face at work and deal with all the awkwardness...but the reality is that by the time it happens, one of us would have already quit the company. I think it used to be not so appropriate back in the days because people used to work in the same company until they retire, but in today's age?!

This is how I first saw him. One day in December, I was in the office, concentrating on work and suddenly heard someone talking quite loud behind me. I turned around to see who was talking so loudly and saw him. He also saw me looking at him. At first, I actually thought he was someone else I met at the company's training. I didn't pay much attention at first, but he kept walking back and forth so many times that I noticed him more. Then I went to the washroom, and saw him in a office, but the name on the office door was not the name of the person I met at the company's training...and I was just curious to know who he was.

I though he was cute but just like any cute guys I see, I forget after a while. Until the end of January, we walked past each other in the hallway during lunch time. I was walking towards the elevators and he was probably going back to his office. We were staring at each other, but we both had a blank expression on our face. I didn't even realize that it was the same person who was talking so loud several weeks ago. I noticed that he was taller than I thought. While I was waiting for the elevator's doors to close, I saw him rushing out. We stared at each other again, with our blank face, through the glass door while the elevator's doors were closing.

Not sure what happened during that expressionless moment, but I suddenly really wanted to talk to him and get to know him. I thought of many ways to go talk to him that day. For 3 days, I would go to work determined to talk to him, but I would always go home frustrated because I wasn't able to get myself to do it. I seriously had trouble sleeping for 3 days because I'd be thinking about talking to him the day after. I was so nervous. At the same time, I like that kind of excitement; it feels like I'm going on an adventure.

Thursday, I was still determined to talk to him, and I absolutely had to do it. I didn't want to think about this anymore.

I knocked on his door, and here's how it went.

"S'cuse me, I didn't want to bother you, but would you know the code for the photocopy machine?" I know. What a lame excuse, right?  I actually knew the code for the photocopy machine, and I didn't even actually need to use it either.

"No, no, you're not bothering me." He was smiley and very receptive, which surprised me, because he usually looks very serious and I thought he would be mad that I bothered him for such small matters. He wrote the code down on a post-it for me.

Later, as I was leaving the office, I dropped by his office again. I forgot what I wanted to say the second he looked at me. I stood there looking at him, and probably made him very uncomfortable. There was an awkward silence for 5 seconds, and if you think about it, 5 seconds is very long. I couldn't find my words. "What's up?" he said.

"I actually knew the code for the photocopy machine." I finally said.

"Ah..."

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Ah...that's cool," he replied, without any expression or even looking at me, which I was really pissed about, but then, what could a normal person possibly say that isn't too corny or embarrassing on the spot like that, right?

"What is your name?"

"X, and you?"

I told him my name, and he asked me questions like who I work with, if I like it here, etc. It was mostly him asking me questions, because I was still very embarrassed, nervous and excited that I didn't know what to say. I felt like I'm in high school. I wonder, does he find me cute too? or just really creepy?

The next week, I talked to him on the company's messenger. I asked him very directly if he had a girlfriend. "No" he answered.

"Do you want to hang out then?" I asked.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea...since we work in the same company?" I already expected this answer.

"I personally don't see a problem with that, but I can understand that you might feel that way."

"...but a drink 5-7 would be fine I guess." he added. At this point, I already took it as a rejection, so I didn't answer.

"???" he typed.

I thought about it for a while, and said "I'll leave you my number, and it's your choice whether you want to text me or not." He texted me his number right away and we talked a little bit that evening.

After that, we would text each other once in a while...but I'm not sure why we never met. I think mostly because it was always last-minute plans. He invited me once to grab a drink with his co-workers, but I already showered so I didn't feel like going out. Another time, it was near midnight, and I was actually already in bed, but I asked him if he wanted to grab a beer...to which he said he was too tired. That night, I felt like something changed. He told me how he wasn't comfortable with the idea of hanging out with someone who works in the same office. "Follow your heart," I said. He seemed to agree at first...but a few days later, I asked him when are we actually going to walk the talk. He said he didn't know. "Should I take this for a negative answer?" I asked. He never answered.

...I somehow managed to convince him again. I told him that the right way and the easy way are sometimes the same, and sometimes the only way was a leap of faith. I hoped he could see what I see..and he did for a while. But soon enough, he changed his mind again. I was frustrated, because I tried to convince someone of things they did not believe in, and I clearly knew that it's not possible...but I gave it a try nonetheless. I'm someone who will always try, even when I know the results, because I choose to believe. This is when I wrote Follow your heart.

I think the reason why I still think about it till this day is how he messed up with my mind...even if he didn't mean it, because I know he's a nice person, but he is wishy-washy...and I didn't cut him out sooner. When he changes his mind, and I convince him that it's okay, but he changes his mind again a few days later... it kills me a little bit everytime. It frustrates me when I think about how much time we wasted running in circles, when all I wanted was to get to know him...and I can't believe I ran in circles with him too. Why did I stoop down to this level? I never met someone who confused me to this point; it's such a mental torture. This is when I wrote Unlearning.

I'm such a silly believer for creating all these coincidental situations. I go to bars to have fun, and I go on tinder to meet someone new, but the truth is that I was looking for him wherever I went. I just can't believe that we came across each other for no reason. In the end, am I not just turning myself into a detestable person? This is when I wrote Non-attachment. I hated myself for not letting go and to care as much as I do.

Sometimes, I still wonder why we came across each other without getting to know each other. I'm someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I haven't figured this one out yet. This is how adventures are; you just never know how it's going to turn out. One must acquire understanding in order to be free; how can I be free if I don't understand why? I really should just forget about it, and one day when I'm ready, I'll be living the answer without even noticing it. For now, I guess the best I can do is to live the questions and the unknown. I've never been scared of adventures anyways.

Nowadays, I still see him in the office once in a while, we barely look at each other, its almost as if we don't know each other...but I'm not going to lie, there's still that whirlpool of questions forming inside of me that I hide. I still think about it and I wonder what could've been had he just made one step forward. For now, he's still living life the right way...

Dating game part 3: The BMX guy

I don't know if this one is worth talking about because I can barely remember why I liked him. I think I'll just talk about him without going into details...

I remember it was towards the end of my biggest mandate. I worked until midnight that week, and I was mentally drained. On Friday, I was supposed to go to this event called Jackalope, which is an demonstration and competition event; mainly for skateboarding. Yes, I have a thing for skaters since high school.

I went home and took a nap, I was not far from cancelling on my friend, because I was so dizzy. I forced myself to get up nonetheless. We watched that flatland BMX demonstration, which he was part of. He had curly blond hair that was tied up. Other than that, the only things I noticed was how skinny and tattooed he was...totally not my type of guy, but he grabbed my attention, because he performed so much better than the other BMX guy.

The next day, I added him on facebook and we talked almost everyday; he said he saw me at the event. However, I also notice something about him that started bothering me already; he seemed to have a hard time refusing things...and his method to do it is by changing the subject completely and immediately, which pisses me off everytime, but I tried to ignore it at first.

We hung out the following weekend. The original plan was to go to the Tam-tams, which I never went to, but it wasn't a nice day so we ended up driving around. When we drove past my high school, he said "I went to this high school." I was like..."Huh? I went to this high school too!" He is two years older so we probably never noticed each other. We had nowhere to go so we went to the Belvedere in Westmount to talk.

One question he asked me that I still remember was "Are you like the man in a relationship?" to which I confidently answered yes. "Are you more like the girl?", and he timidly said yes. It was pretty sweet and we even saw a rainbow.

Here are a few things that I learned:
-He spent a few years in China and speaks fluent Mandarin
-His dad's been to over hundred countries in a Westfalia
-He's starting a business to promote BMX
-He's traveled quite a bit too, but always for competitions
-We went to the same high school
-He went to cegep St-Laurent and I went to Vanier, which is next door

The thing is...he's the complete opposite of what I like in men. I don't like blond hair, blue eyes, skinny guys without good jobs...and he was all of that. But he had a passion for what he was doing, which I liked a lot and I rarely met anybody like him. I like talented and knowledgeable men, no matter in which field.

The next week, he was going to New Orleans for his competition and I was leaving for Central America. We found out that we were leaving on the same day around the same time, so I asked him if he wanted to meet up at the airport. He took hours to respond to each texts, without ever answering the question itself. My question was pretty straightforward, and I really don't appreciate that he doesn't answer straightforwardly.

As I was going through airport security, I was still hoping to see him but I didn't. So, I just went to my departing gate. Then, they announced that my gate changed, so I had to walk back...and that's when I bumped into him. I thought he probably didn't want to see me, so I was just going to say goodbye and tell him that I'm going the other way. But he said he wanted to come wait with me, which was sweet of him...but then, any friend would do the same.

I was only leaving for three weeks, but I had the feeling that we might not talk to each other anymore when I come back, because we barely knew each other. I made an effort to talk to him once in a while during my trip, but eventually got tired of it because I felt like it was always one-way; I was a guy chasing a girl.

I felt a distance between us...in the sense that I don't think he understands most things I do. For example, I don't think he understands responsibilities, and why it's not always about what I want, why do I choose to work in an office, why did I stay in school to suffer, etc. Maybe he even thinks that I'm a superficial and materialistic kind of girl.

When I came back to Montreal, I didn't go to his event that he invited me to before I left. The reason I said I would go is because I wanted to see him...but he doesn't even care that much about me anyways, so I didn't bother.

I can't remember how I realized that he doesn't like me, but I sent him a postcard, and asked him if he received it. He said he will open his mailbox later, but it took him several days to open the mailbox. If someone I liked sent me a postcard, I would go open my mailbox the second I hear about it.

One day, I got even more fed up when he asked me to come hang out with him. "Where?" I asked...but once again, he changed the subject completely. It's not the first time he does that, and this time just hit my limit. I can't deal with this. We stopped talking to each other completely now. I don't feel sad or anything, I'm too impatient for that.

There really wasn't that much to say about him...not much happened. I decided to write about him nonetheless because I go on so many dates that I stopped making efforts...but with him, I felt like there was a little something...

Dating game part 1: The ex-boyfriend

It seems like I haven't talked about my relationships in a long time.

Once upon a time, there was an infamous section in this blog called "little black book"...and not so long ago, I used to talk about my ex-boyfriend, Jonathan, and our redundant on and off relationship every day...why do I not talk about them anymore? Maybe because I've been dating a lot in the past year but not even one developed into a more serious relationship, or even close.

There are many that I don't even remember anymore, but there are some that kind of made a little impact on me...enough for me to write about them. Today, I just feel like talking about them. Because I miss talking about relationships openly and without filtering...and this blog doesn't feel complete without them, right?

This blog post will be divided into several parts. I will start with the most recent. Actually, let's start with Jonathan. My ex-boyfriend, Jonathan, do you all remember him?

Jonathan and I were still friends after we broke up more than a year ago, and we would sometimes go for breakfast on Saturdays...but even our friendship was on and off. He was still hoping that one day, I will get back with him, but I clearly know there is no chance at all. There isn't even one percentage of hesitation.

I went for a bike ride with him this summer, and I went to his place to borrow his bike. His apartment haven't changed at all. It still smells the same, looks the same, feels the same...just like him. This guy haven't changed. I don't see any improvements in him. I can't see myself hanging out with him in this little apartment like we used to. I can't! It will never happen again, without doubt.

...but I'm not going to lie about the fact that I do wonder when am I going to find someone who knows me so well, who I get along with, and with who things are simply going to be right and effortless...just like it was with Jonathan.

I do call him sometimes when I'm bored. I would even tell him about my relationship problems even though I know he doesn't like to hear about them. I know I shouldn't...but I get lonely sometimes and I just need someone to talk to...and I know he will always be there as my punching bag. It's also a way to remind him that there are no chances between us.

As soon as he crosses the line, I would remind him that I will never ever get back with him...and he would be sad, disappointed and disappear for a while...and then reappear again. It gives me an instant headache every time he tells me he wants me back. Why do I have to deal with this? His sudden disappearance, his reoccurring appearance, his selfish and inappropriate comments...

Sometimes, I feel like it's keeping me from moving forward...

Two weeks ago, it was his birthday. We were supposed to go kayaking, but the weather was not so great so we cancelled. I also mentioned to him that I had a date that day. I think I called him the day after and he didn't answer my calls and texts. He pulled the disappearing act again! This time, I'm not going to let him reappear so easily. This is enough, and enough is enough! I blocked him on my cellphone and on facebook, so he can't contact me anymore.

I want to be a good person and be there for him as a friend, but it is such a torture...and it's not healthy for me, nor is it for him. Sometimes, he says sexual things that really make me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to hear any of  his bullshit. I just want to be selfish and think about myself...I don't want to deal with him anymore.

That was my little story about the ex-boyfriend and that's how it all ended. I just feel so much better now that he doesn't exist anymore.

Montreal fetish weekend

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine hooked me up with one of the organizer of the Montreal Fetish Weekend's Latextacy Ball. For those who have no idea of what I'm talking about; It's basically an event that celebrates fetishes, fantasies and fashion.

I wanted to do this show because I was curious about it. I think it's so creative and shiny! I was amazed by all the crazy outfits! People might stereotype people with fetishes as crazy psychopaths, but this is not the case. Everyone is well-educated, respectful, interesting, have a good job, and are not afraid to express themselves differently. Nobody looked unhealthy or on welfare. As long as people are having fun, why not?

I walked for Kurage, a Japanese designer specializing in latex art. I never wore latex suit before, and I don't think I have latex fetish, but I enjoyed my experience, and will definitely do it again!

PS.: Yes, it's me on the picture.

Mont Ouareau with mom and dad

I usually don’t like hiking in Québec because I find the mountains to be pretty flat and I’m not a huge fan of zigzag trails that go up and down, although it gives you a chance to catch your breath. I like direct trails that go up only; it gives me a greater challenge and the views are just so much better as well.

Last weekend, I went hiking with my mom and dad. My mom always complains about how Mont-Royal isn’t enough for her so I wanted to bring her somewhere that is a little more difficult but not too difficult. On the other hand, my dad isn’t exactly the active type. I warned him that he shouldn’t come if he can’t even do Mont-Royal. He insisted to come and that he’ll wait for us somewhere on the trail if he can’t make it.

I decided to take them to Mont Ouareau, which is an hour and a half away from Montreal. It is a small mountain situated at 680m above sea level with only 240m ascent. I think they can handle this one. My dad had difficulties going up and talked about how he didn’t understand why people say it’s harder to go down than up. “You will understand soon,” I said.

That picture was taken at the beginning of the trail.

My mom was still energetic and all smiles, but it was another story for my dad...

We made it to the top of Mont Ouareau!

I lent them my Nike backpack that I had since high school, don’t they look cute with it?



We made it to the top without knowing it because it was not well indicated. So we continued to hike towards Lake Lemieux which is 5,6km further. I started to think that this seemed longer than expected, so I asked the first person we came across…and she said it’s behind us. We probably walked an hour past that “summit”.

On the way down, my dad was really struggling because his knees were hurting. Me and my mom just went down to wait for him in the car. It took him half an hour after we reached the car to come down, but I think he did really well, considering his age. Hiking is obviously not his thing; most Asians don’t hike, and it’s not in our culture to appreciate nature. Asians like to eat in restaurants, go karaoke, shopping, high tea, etc. I know that’s a stereotype, but I think it accurately describes 90% of my Asians friends.

It didn’t matter to my parents where the destination was, they just wanted to enjoy the process of hiking with their daughter. My dad said he brought me to Mont-Tremblant when I was young, and now it’s my turn to take them out when they are old. 

Algonquin

Last weekend, I went hiking with friends. I’ve never hiked with so many people who all have little to no hiking experience before. Many of my friends tell me they want to join me next time I go hiking when they see my hiking photos, so you know what? I brought all of them with me on Adirondack’s second highest peak: Algonquin. Why not the highest of them all, Marcy? Well, because Marcy takes over 10 hours to hike and 2 hours and a half to drive to, so it wasn’t very doable. Algonquin, on the other hand, takes 7 hours.

The Adirondacks used to be intimating to me. It seemed like such an invincible place. After I climbed that Volcano though, I just felt like I could conquer any mountains. I knew that was a difficult hike, but I wanted my friends to see the best and worst of hiking. It is rough and steep, but the view is something you will not forget. Your best stories will not be the little hikes on Saint-Hilaire…it will be how you slid down those slippery rocks on your butt, how scary it was to be on the unsheltered top, how awesome it was to have lunch on the summit, admire the other summits, and maybe have a sweet little nap there!

I didn’t anticipate this hike to end this late, I started my day at 6:30 am because I had to pick up friends. We arrived there at 10:30 am; it always takes more time when there are more people. We started hiking at about 10:45 am, and I’m not sure when we reached the top, but two of my friends did not make it. One had vertigo, and one was worried about the descent.

The second half of the trail was steep and covered with rocks and slippery slabs,

The girls! We took a little break at the little waterfall.

The group, minus Johnny.

When we started going down, all the boys were lagging behind but the girls did very well. We chilled in the car for an hour, listening to music, while waiting for the boys to come down.

When everybody finally made it down the mountain, it was probably about 6:30 pm. Then we went to grab a quick bite at the first gas station and some went for ice cream. It was cheap and yummy.

On the way back though, my car was searched at the border. I was grilled with a million of stupid questions at the Canadian border.

It started like this, “3 people?” the border guard asks.

“Yes,” I answered.

“How many people are with you?” he goes again.

What a stupid question I thought, can't he do the math? but I still answered politely “two”.

“Huh?”

At this point, I was pretty irritated. First, he asks a stupid question, and second, he makes me repeat? I said “one” and pointed towards the friend in the front seat, and “two” pointing toward the one in the back sit. I know it’s not a good thing to do...but I really have difficulties dealing with dumb people.

“How do you know each other?” he continues.

“We’re friends,” I said.

“Where did you guys go?”

“Algonquin Mountain.”

“Where?” he asks again.

“Algonquin…the mountain, Algonquin,” I know I had a little bit of an attitude, but can you blame me?

“To do what?”

“To hike.”

“What’s on the mountain?”

Like, are you serious?! What’s on the mountain?! “Nothing. We went hiking.”

“Whose car is this?”

“Mine.”

“Who?”

“It’s mine. My car!” Grrrr.

“What’s your job?”

“Accountant.” He then asked all my friends about their job as well, I had to repeat some of the answers because he never seemed to hear properly. He asked what we bought, I said nothing. One of my friends said he bought a pack of cigarette and the other one said he bought a bottle of juice. I’m not sure if they had to declare this, but maybe this made us even more suspicious? I have no idea.

I know I was bitchy, but who wouldn’t be? In the end, he asked us to drive to the searching area. We waited for 15 minutes before someone came for us. Two ladies searched my car for 5 minutes, and found nothing of course. He wasted our time and his co-workers' time. He had his little revenge. That’s great for him. Where does he think he will go in his life with this little victory? Seriously. The nature of his job only attracts idiots in the first place. No one with any reasonable intelligence and skills would want sit there all day to ask silly little questions to people or stare at an x-ray screen.

Anyways, it was midnight by the time I got home.

Nonetheless, it was a memorable day. I’m glad my friends came and that everyone tried their best. Well, you kind of don’t have other choices when you’re stuck in the middle of the mountain, haha :)