Why would someone let a person back in after putting in so much effort to permanently forget them? I clearly know that I'm in a relationship with someone who loves me a lot and I should avoid these conflicting situations but ultimately, it's one of the things I clearly know of the consequences but will do it nonetheless. The reason? There is none.

I like how he wants me to try everything; his vanilla and strawberry yogurt, his vodka mixed with mango juice and I like how he explains football to me. Isn't that adorable? I don't think I ever saw this side of him. It makes me smile thinking about it. I just really want to know everything about him.

...but he can be so frustrating as well. He'd insult and blame others just because things are not the way he thinks should be, without ever thinking that it could be himself the problem. This guy doesn't even realize that he can hurtful sometimes. But no matter how mean and unfair he's been to me, I just can't really hate him. There are times I feel like he actually needs someone to talk to.

Oh, and when he tells me, with an angry face, to stop staring at him, I kind of laugh inside, ha.

Trust

Trust is a funny thing. I don't understand why people put so much importance into that irrelevant word.

Do I trust Jonathan? Do I trust that he'll always be faithful, treat me good, take care of me, be there when I need him? Of course not and the reason is plain and simple; people change and situation arises.

We could be understanding, open-minded and put in so much effort to know someone but ultimately, how close do you come to their true essence? Do we really know anything important about anyone? What can you trust and based on what? And if you can never understand someone 100%, then why would trust be relevant?

I trust Jonathan's driving skills enough to sit in his car because based on the past, he always drove me safely to my destination. I also trust his cooking skills because those are things that are subject to little change and can be depended on based on history. I could bet 5000$ that his pasta sauce will taste awesome but, not my whole fortune. I trust him that today he's madly in love with me, but tomorrow? In 6 months? 10 years? I trust him 99% that he'll not beat me up because he's sweet and loving...but if he's on drugs and we're having a fight? Who knows.

The only ways you could 100% trust someone is by choosing to ignore the facts because they are your family, or you have to be completely naive.

They say that a lack of trust always create insecurity. However,I think insecurity only happens when we're afraid of not being able to forecast changes and that things won't remain the same...but of course they won't. What never changes in this world? Even my BigMac doesn't always look the same.

Lastly, just because you don't trust doesn't mean you have to be miserable, lonely and worry all the time. No matter how great things are right now, how much you trust them at this moment, who can guarantee tomorrow? And although nothing is guaranteed, there is absolutely nothing to be sad about. Sometimes, you just have to let go, accept that circumstances change and so do people.

Trust could really just be a thing of the moment, even irrational at times.

...and in Bertrand Russell's words?

A young turkey was brought into a farm and was fed regularly every morning at the same time with a fresh supply of grass. Like any other being interested in the future, he wanted to convincingly predict the future and not use the first few days of his life as an indicator of things to come. Having an erudite lineage, he figured he should not commit the fallacy of jumping the gun to reach a conclusion and instead would gather a large data set for his observation.

After 364 days, drawing from the specific instances, he concluded the obvious generalization – he would be well fed every morning until he grew old and died. Unfortunately, the very next day was Thanksgiving and the turkey was slaughtered and became the star meal of the day at the farmer’s house.

Importfest 2011

To tell the truth, I’m a horrible model and I’d much rather be sleeping at home with a teddy bear. I’m just not big on being the center of attention and I know I sound terrible for saying this, but I'm smarter than that, ha just kidding. But seriously, I'm just not into that anymore.

Seeing him again is like seeing an old friend, even though we were never friends, but a bond exists underneath, or maybe some sort of mutual understanding. It felt different to see him again; it’s almost like it was a different person in front of me, a stranger I met in another life.

…riding for hours, alongside shiny cars, uphill through suburb houses, coloured leaves, dreams of tranquility and I see the layers of colours changing from blue to red in the sky as well as everything I’ve associated him with…the sunset, the moment, freedom, and passion. I also see the open white of pure possibility; my time and space expanding.

I was hoping that he doesn’t mention anything that has to do with the past but when he did, it seemed foreign to me. Time has elapsed, new situation has arisen, and layers have been peeled off since then. It’s finally comfortable to be around him.

Scent

It's such a privilege to know someone's scent because, it means you've had the chance to be close with that person. Intimacy and physical contact carry scent, and when that contact disappears, the scent fades as well. I hope that scent never fades.

I think I'm falling in love with everything associated with the scent of this scarf ♥

Grey clouds

Of all the different colors, textures and shapes, the heavy clouds just relieved by the letting of rain and storm are my favorite. I look behind the dark clouds of today and I see the sunny blue sky. Shadows cool the skin and while it remains, the sun’s light is bright and sight. How bittersweet.