5°C

That's how I go to school: Bare legs+Uggs

I wonder why everyone stares at me when I walk by...
They probably all want to be me. HAHAHA <3

Here's why I'm single

I still don't get why people always ask me why I'm single...as if there's something wrong about that. Like, really?

Listen people. If you know me, then you should know that I'm not the type who falls for those you-are-hot-and-amazing comments. Those cheesy I-love-you-forever lines make me laugh...and puke. I don't need a slave to beg on his knees for me to feel special...simply because I already know I am. I already know how pretty, smart and amazing I am. I take good care of myself and I love myself to death. I'm not one of those lonely and insecure little girls who constantly need to be reassured. I'm old enough to know what I want and I have my standards. It doesn't take some little boy sucking up to me to make me feel like I need to be with him. I might want to share some great times with someone, but I have difficulties imagining myself needing anyone. Also, let me tell you that if I wanted sex, I can have that ANYTIME.

Here's what I want though...
-I want to cut and dye my hair
-I want to graduate by year end
-I want a brand new car by next year
-I want to continue studying Chinese
-I want to have a 24 inch waist
-I want to eat healthier
-I want to go to graduate school
-I want better teeth
-I want to build a better relationship with my friends and family
-I want to take more risks
-I want to move to a new city
-I want to actively learn
-blablablas...

There's actually a longer list of things I want to do before I die, but I'm not going to post it here today. I've already done most of it though, I should come up with new ones soon haha.

Overall, I just want to improve myself. I want to grow into a person I can look up to. And finally when I'll truly be happy about my life and about the person I am, then maybe the guy for me will finally hop along and join my life. Share in my successes. Share the joy of my accomplishments.

Happiness isn't someone that just shows up; it's something people have to work toward. If you think that I'm going to spend the rest of my life improving some sort of relationship with a guy... then you probably thought wrong because my life is way too short to be wasted that way.

Mirl's Bday @ Light...with the lost puppies

Yes, I said I won't go out for the rest of the semester.
Yes, I hate clubbing.
Yes, I have tons of stuff to study for.
...but I still went.

Besides living for the present, we're also living to create memories. Does that make sense? In 10 or 20 years, would you rather remember that day you were studying at home, just like any other day? Or that day you were celebrating your friend's birthday? To remember how happy she was, how drunk we were, how all the guys are dying to feel us, all the stupid things we did, all the crazy laughs? It's childish to use the term "best friends", but let's just say that Mirlaine is one of my very good friends. You really have to be a no-life to choose studying at home for your good friend's birthday.

Last night was great. I haven't gone to club in a while but just like always, we are the ones who started the party. I mean, who else dares to dance in the middle of the dance floor when it's empty and people are just sitting around and watching, right? It's us, baby.




...but something not so great happened too. I bumped into my neighbors; Joonho and David. They are brothers. I knew them since Joonho was still a virgin and David was still free of piercings. We would hang out at their place or around bois-franc and just talk about everything and nothing. I were comfortable enough to be around them with my naked-face and PJs. David is more outgoing while Joonho is the quiet one. Both are really nice and sweet.

So here's the story. At the club, everyone could see us because me and my friends were on the stage. So Joonho saw me and bought me a beer. Usually, I'd dance for a bit, just by politeness, with those people who buy me drinks, which is what I did. I don't know if it's because I sent the wrong signal or what but then he started grabbing me "where" he shouldn't. At first, he just grabbed my waist and then my butt, but I didn't say anything about that because it's sometimes inevitable in a club...he might have accidentally went too low. Then, he really went too far because he tried to finger me right there on the dance floor a few times and to get in my bra. Obviously, I took his hands and put them away nicely y'know...I didn't bitch-slap him. Maybe I should have done that though. When you're nice, people are just going to abuse and go further! Later during the night, there was that show going on so people were facing the same direction and we were all squeezed together. I was standing in front of Joonho and he just started dry humping me from behind and kissing my neck. I was like...what the hell is going on, my neck is wet. I turned around and he started kissing my lips. I didn't push him away right away though...because I was thinking how and I didn't have time to react because I was shocked...anyway I'm stupid. I always knew he found me hot, but I never thought he would do this. Joonho the little quiet and shy boy? Really?

Then I just went to the washroom because I needed to breath. He had to follow me obviously.

Me: Hey, I think I'm going home. Joonho: Okay, me too then. Me: Alright, I'm just going to find my friends first. Joonho: Are your parents home? Me: Yeah... Joonho:...but they are sleeping right? **So what if they are sleeping, dude? Me: Yeah....so?

I don't remember what he said after that, but I was trying to explain to him that it doesn't make a difference whether my parents are home or not because I'll sleep in my house and he'll sleep in his'.

It's not because you touched my hands that you're my boyfriend and just because we kissed doesn't mean that you can get in my pants and even if someday you get in my pants doesn't mean you're my man. Got that?

I think he understood what I said because he didn't follow me after that. So I found my friends and went to the coatcheck and I saw David there.

Me: Hey David, your brother wants to fuck me. David: Haha, how do you know? Me: Well, he touched me here and here... David: It's normal. All guys want to fuck hot girls and you're hot y'know. I want to do you too...well, if you want it hahaha, just kidding. Me: Yeah I guess...

David is cool though. He's always been a pretty direct person. If he's mad at someone, he'd tell them. If he likes someone, he'd tell them. If he wants to fuck someone, he'd tell them too. So I also like the fact that he just tells me but still keeps his hands off me...even if he were more drunk than Joonho. I were drunk too, but did I grab David's balls? No I didn't and David is definitely the most handsome asian I've seen in Montreal. So...don't blame it on alcohol unless you're really irresponsible.

I was thinking about that this morning. I was thinking...would more guys see me as a friend if I were uglier? I mean, those friendships without any kinds of tension? Not that I want to be friends with everyone but I feel like I just lost Joonho as a friend. I'm sad because he disgusted me and I don't think I'll ever be able to see him the same way. I lost respect for that guy. I'm sad about the fact that people will always have that in their minds, that it's all about looks...all because I'm "hot". Whether it's possible for real friendship between guys and girls have always been something I never found an answer to....until last night.

Then a friend texted me this morning and I felt like talking about it:

Him: Had fun? Me: Hmm yeah but I saw my neighbor and he tried to hit on me...which is gay because we were close friends. What did you do? Him: Hmm awkward! I helped my friend clean his store and that took most of the evening. Since I had quite a day Friday, I relaxed yesterday. I am still 27....damn it. Me: I just realized that I don't have any male friends. What don't you like about being 27? I kinda like that lol... Him: Well that's often the case for most people, no? So are you clueless about guys then lol. No I am cool with my age I am just sayin'. Me: Well you know what? I think all guys just want to get in my pants, even my neighbor's little brother admitted it. Anyway, 27 year-old dudes are hot haha... Him: They must think they all have small waists...trying to get in a girl's pants....ok bad joke. Well that at least tells you you're attractive! Yes 27 year-olds then to be hot, especially the ones that just turned 27.

I didn't know that was the case for most people, but you know what guys? If you want to fuck, then why don't you fuck some strangers instead. You'll have all the fun you need without hassle or problems in the future, right? I mean...if you want to fuck, try not to do it near your house...because you just ruined our friendship! I know I'm not exactly portrayed as a good little innocent church girl, but I don't just do anybody...I'M VERY PICKY and YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO MEET MY STANDARDS EVEN IF YOU GROW A FEW MORE INCHES, BOY!

I still don't know what I'll do next time I bump into him around my house, but I'm not worrying. He should be the one who has to worry.

It was my friend's birthday and I had fun with her...but I still HATE clubbing. Sometimes, I kinda forget how guys (in general) are such lost puppies, but last night just reminded me of that. Their brains are seriously controlled by their dicks and their dicks are controlled by me and my ladies.

Just believe me that if I could, I would grow a cock so you guys can suck it.

Hi stalkers!

My stage name is Elaine, I'm 17 years old and I'm a fob from a tiny asian country that no one knows about and here's what I like to do to piss people off...

<3

My new room

Probably no one cares to know but in case you don't know, I never had my own room. Me and my sister used to sleep in the same room...but different beds obviously. My parents just decided to give me their room last week because everyone is so sick of me telling them to turn the volume down when I'm around haha... Anyways, it's not like they have anything to lose, they'll have the whole third floor for themselves, but they kicked the goldfish out. Poor little goldfish :(


Bed undone...like always.









Direct access to washroom.



I finally have my own closet too :))) I had enough of using the floor as closet.

You know what I really LOVE about having my own room? I can sleep naked!!! Yay!

Selfish

My mom often criticizes me for being selfish, which she just did actually. She's right and I admit it. I'm indeed a very selfish person and I don't have much compassion for others. I strongly believe that we're all born as separate independent beings and all acts are selfish in nature even if we're often unconscious of it. Some people refuse to think that way just so they can feel better about themselves but that's selfish too and you know it's for yourself if you're actually willing to do it. It doesn't mean it's bad or anything...it's all perspective. I always think that there are only those things we do for ourselves that will never be regretted no matter how foolish they are considered to be.

I still remember that question that people liked to ask back in high school:
What would you choose between:
A) Being unhappy but liked by everyone
B) Being happy but disliked by everyone
That question is a bit extreme and not realistic at all, but I chose B.

I often heard that kind-hearted people get depressed most easily because besides only having to worry for themselves, they also have to care for people around them. It's because there are still those people that we care about by our sides that makes it harder to let go things we don't wish to remember. That's why life is so much easier for selfish people. If I were not like that, I don't think I'd be able to recover that quickly from being sad. It's probably selfish to even think that way but for now, I enjoy being selfish. It's not that I'm mean necessarily; I just chose to be better to myself.

I don't want to change the world, i just want to be happy.

...I love my mom by the way haha.

Staying friends

Does that happen to you sometimes? You want to be nice but when you say things nicely, people just don't get the message? So you end up getting annoyed and yell at that person "DUDE! I was just being nice...now you understand?!" (I didn't do this yet). So the only way you can be nice enough to not waste that person's time is by being mean to him or her. How ironic is that.

...most people won't do this unless they are left without choices.

Last time Jonathan called me was last friday and I told him that we'll talk later. Oh and he haven't been texting me lately and the only reason he stopped is because he got no money to pay his phone...which is not so great. Why? Because he started calling me! HELP!!!

He just called from work again and we talked for a bit which felt like an eternity. You know when you're on the phone with someone but you're constantly looking for a chance to say goodbye because you know he or she will make another attempt?

Jonathan: So what are you doing this friday? **Oh no, he's gonna ask me out again. Me: Oh my god, did I tell you that I did really bad on my midterms? I'm so depressed and I got so much to do!! Jonathan: ...? Me:...I think I'll study this friday. Jonathan: ...oh **He was probably deceived. Me: Anyways...I really gotta go back studying. Talk to you later? Jonathan: Hey, but I'll call you on friday in case you change your mind. **NOOO! Me: Euh...ok.

I clearly know I should just tell him directly, but I don't know how. There isn't an easy way to do it and no matter what I say, it won't be a joy for him to hear it. At the same time, I'm so immature for not telling him and wasting his time. Better suffer sooner than later, right? I kind of hope he'd understand without me telling him so directly so that it'll not be that awkward in the future so we can still be friends...and I mean real and normal friends. Not less than friends nor friends with benefits...because that ain't frienship to me.

I met really great people in my life, many of which I met abroad, and the moments we get to spend together are really short. However, it's not the amount of time that matters the most; relationships are not defined by their length. Sometimes, the briefest encounters are remembered forever and it's often those short-lived moments that people are willing to fight for. Nevertheless, I can't help but find that unfortunate even if that's the beauty of it.

Jonathan is certainly one of those great people; what if one day we become strangers?...because I experienced that, and I'm sure even the best of us experienced that at some point in their life. If you really get to that point, you won't have the choice but to move on...but you'll still remember all the little things you've learned from that person and how that person played a part in making the person you've become today.

...but if you haven't gotten to that point yet, wouldn't try to avoid it?
I just want to stay friends.