Will he actually come?

P came talk to me on Msn a few hours ago. I used to love talking to him on msn, but I felt that it became so "Internet" between us that I stopped. There were other reasons too, but the point is that I stopped. He's seldomly the one who starts the conversation first, but this time he did.

Basically, he said he came to sharx again today to take a piss and asked if I were there...and blablablablas...He's done with exams and his friends don't want to stay out late, so I asked him to come here. Then he said he'd come if I give him a blowjob and booze. I said I will. I only said that because I want to see him...So I hope he's not taking it seriously.

Yeah, so he's supposed to come here around 1-1h30 am

At 1h30 exact, he txts me

P: I got out for a little bike ride and I'm stuck cuz of rain Fukkk **Is that another lie? Me: It's not raining here lol P: Fuk I'm at julep on decarie highway and its fkin raining alot **Really...ok. Me: Thats what happens when u dont listen to mommy P: Shut up n get the booze Me: I got it already stupid **That's actually not true. P: Lol fkin shiat Me: I better see your ass soon Me: The worst is that yesterday I asked u if u were waiting until it rains lol **That's what I meant

Right now it's already 2:17....Will he come?

Resist

I really didn't want to text him, but it's just so difficult to resist! The worst is that I was tipsy at work, which makes it even harder to resist!

Txt messages

Me: Ur bored n u wanna see me P: Oh u must be inside my head **Does that mean he wants to see me for real? That made me happy for a minute. Me: So r u waiting til it rains or what P: What **What what? Was that hard to understand? Me: Come here at sharx P: No too far ** That must be a joke man, he lives in NDG. Find better excuses. Me: :( **No answers...shit is it already over? Me: *cries* P: Boohoo cry me a river **Fuck that's mean, I almost wanted to scream at work. Me: Ur just shy **(45 minutes later) I just said that to continue the conversation. P: U don't like shy guys? ** Why the hell is he asking that anyway? Who cares? He's just trying to change the subject. Me: So ur shy or not **I shouldn't've asked that. He’s obviously going to say no. P: I'm not shy **See? Me: Aw I wanna c u so bad P: Why do u wanna see me so bad? **Stupid question! What am I supposed to answer? That I like you or that I want to fuck you? Me: Coz ur ugly ** Yeah there you go. P: U like ugly people **Goshhh...another stupid question! Hello! That's obviously not what I meant. Me: Yes I do so when r u gonna show up **Direct to the point. P: Too far **I'm tired of this. Me: Liar **Can't even say no directly to my face? P: I was at sharx today **He told me later on the phone that he just came to take a piss. What a gayos. Me: Come to my place then P: U mean ur garage **Same shit! Me: Aw PJ I can't sleep if I don't see you **I can’t sleep even if I see you. P: Lol yea right. I can hear u snoring from miles away **Argh...that's so talking for nothing. You think you talked a lot, but in the end you don't know what you talked about. That's what it is. Me: I hope you hear me cry too :( P: I hear bowling pins falling **AGAIN TALKING FOR NOTHING SUCKS! Me: Mean P: I'm nice Me: Fuck u PJ ur still my favorite coat hanger **I was only going to say fuck u but I thought that was too mean so I added the coat hanger part to make it sound softer I guess... P: U wanna get fired? **That's just so nowhere...Fired for what? He obviously didn’t know what to say.

At this point I had enough of texting; on top of that I'm not allowed to use my phone at work, so I just decided to quickly call him. Man, why am I so stupid?

I called him and basically, I told him that I wanted see him, but he says "next time". I hate "next time". It's now or never! But I was trying to be patient and asked when next time is because I'm leaving next week! So he told me Friday, but I work Friday and he knows. Then he asked me to call him after work...I just find that so weird. For how much are you gonna bet that he'll reject me again on friday? I just feel it! It's been so many times that I'm getting used to it by now. I don't wanna call him, anyone smart would not call.

Honestly, I think I should resist calling him. My friends (all girls) told me that if they were me, they would’ve given up a long time ago. I cannot simply do what my friends tell me to do even though I'm not sure about myself. I got nothing to lose except for the fact that I'll look stupid and annoying, but you think I care?

...Another friend (a guy) told me that if he didn’t want to see me, he couldv’e just said “Have a nice vacation then!” when I told him that I work on friday, but instead he asked me to call him after work. Unless, he doesn't know how to say "no"…that wouldn’t surprise me after all the excuses I heard from him. Or unless he likes to treat women like crap. Or unless he wants to fuck…unless unless unless….okay, stop analysing! Just call on Friday and end of the story, alright?

Voices

I feel like I'm wasting my time; trapped and pressured. I don't know what I should do but I must do something about it…I can't just sit around, that's simply not me.

I hear two voices.

The first voice:
You already tried, you did what you could and you won't have any regrets. So stop being so stubborn. Look around; many people care about you. Let go. Free yourself. Hey, look at you; you're hot, sexy and no one doubts it. You deserve better; someone who sees your worth. What’s so good about him anyways?

The second voice:
Hey, you think you tried hard enough? No girl, you didn't. If you really tried hard enough, you would've gotten what you want. You know what you want and you don't give a shit about what he thinks, just because you always get what you want and he's no exception. It’s okay to lose, but it’s not okay to give up. By the way, is there a difference between perseverance and stubbornness? Really, you can choose which ever that sounds better to you. You’re the only one who knows and you’re the only one who can judge.

I’m not saying that one of them is right and the other is wrong. Honestly, I lived all my life listening to the second voice, but recently I started to give more attention to the first one. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m getting older...or maybe more mature? I’m not so stubborn anymore, at least I try not to…but I’m still a stubborn person by nature so I’m trapped between both.

I really want to follow to the first voice but the ego in me won't give up. That kind of thoughts is killing me sometimes. I'm the type of person who tend to go after things they can't get. I don’t care whether I need it or not, I just care about whether I want it or not and how bad I want it. I follow my heart and I care most about the present. I care about how happy I am right now...not how happy I were or how happy I will be; yesterday is gone and we might all die tomorrow. All I have is now. That's why I always push people, put pressure on them, especially indecisive ones, the ones who waste my time but a lot of them can’t stand that. I actually shouldn't care about them and move on with my life, but as I said....my ego is way too strong and it really takes a lot for me to give up. In fact, I don’t even know what it takes for me to give up. I hate that about me. That makes me selfish and in the end, all I do is hurting others and myself.

I know I should learn to cherish what I have and I do try very hard. I know that if I were able to let go, I’d be so much happier. I know all that, but I don't know how to change. How am I supposed to change anyways? I'm just human and I make loads of mistakes everyday...

I’m not a good person but I try to improve.
I’m selfish but I try to care.
I might be wrong but try to change.
I don't know everything but I try to find out.

I need to find out.

Tokyo 6/7/09

You have no idea for how long I haven't been out! I'm just so lazy, but I'm leaving in less than 2 weeks and I'm only coming back in september so...I forced myself to go out lol.

People go to club everynight when they are young and ugly, but they stay home when are older and way hotter.


Oh yes, way hotter.



Me and my love, Mirl~~



Mags and Mirl.

At first we couldn't get in because Mags had her backpack. So we asked the guy at Cafe Noir to keep it for us...When you're hot, you can pretty much do anything, ahh yeah.


It's us! Damn we're so HOT. Is that possible?

I usually always bring my false eyelashes glue, but my eyelashes never fell until that night...and I didn't have my glue -_- That really sucked.


Damn what's going on...lol









Celebrating our hotness and ...our friendship...All excuses to party~



After every clubbing session, we eat!
That's at Cafe Noir.

Goddamn I'm tired!


Waiting for my order hehe



Coucou honey baby~



Oh gosh, it's 3 in the morning EJ!
...but hey I'm EJ, no mirror=I'm screwed.



Smiles =D



You know what I need? Mcdonald's!
The night is simply not complete if I don't eat a great poutine or a cheezy cheeseburger chez Donald.






Oh nice fat legs haha

You like my meat, right?

Cheeseburger hunting!



Oh there you are! Round like the moon, that's why we eat you at night!



Oh happy face!



Hey, where's your happy face?



Yummy Yummy, I'm a real woman.
Mcdonald's is good for your health and you know it's true!



My 100$ nails, ta-dahhh!

...just kidding btw.


Oki look at that! I promise you will never see that again in your life, so keep a copy!

The only reason I only let you guys see this is because I love you...but I hope no one else saw!

Oh that was great. The only thing missing was some hot dudes. Talking about dudes, I didn't meet any but I met a lesbian chick who tried to make sexual advances on me. *sigh*

Just to fuck?

I'm not freaking out really. I said I will take that easy so I will. I don't know what the hell am I thinking so I try not to think.

I discussed about that with a few of my co-workers (because I'm so desperate for an answer) and they all say that there are only 2 reasons for which a man would go see a woman at 4 in the morning, except the fact that he might be gay, but let's say he's not gay.

Here are the two reasons:
Reason#1: The man is really interrested in the woman.
I so want to believe that he came all the way here to see me because he likes me...but it's just not very probable.

Reason#2: The man wants to fuck the woman.
A man would do anything/anytime for sex, did you know? To be honest, I didn't even think of sex and my intuition tells me that he didn't come here for sex until I thought back in details.
->When I told him to come, he asked if I was gonna rape him so he obviously had that in mind.
->He wanted to go inside. Not that it was warm outside...but whatever.
->He brought James (an asshole) up. Why the hell does he have to talk about that stupid James...yark.
->He asked if I did it with a black. Ok, maybe it was just a random question?

...And everyone else says that reason#2 is most "normal". So I just decided to ask him.

Txt messages:

Me: Shy boy! P: I’m not shy **He waited a whole fucking hour to answer, jesus. Me: Oh ur not? Did u really come all the way here at 4 just to drink lol P: Lol what else could happen? Oh u could’ve given a bj? haha Me: Just admit that u wanted to get raped, I read ur mind shy boy P: Sure next time I expect to rape or get raped. Haha Me: Come to Tokyo tonight if u wanna be gang raped P: Tokyo can suck my cock. It’s a shitty place Me: Come anyway ur my slave **Maybe i shouldn't've used the word slave... P: In ur fantasy **That's mean =( Me: Ah u suck go to bed early then P: Go find ur slave in tokyo **That's mean too.

Y'know? I don't know.

He indeed hesitated before coming here, and a man would've usually said yes right away if he wanted to fuck. Doesn't it sounds like I'm trying to find excuses for him. If I were innocent, I would think that he really came to drink...but at 4 in the morning?

...or am I too complicated?

I don't want him to be like all the other assholes but sometimes the truth is obvious, it's just that I have a hard time believing it until someone slaps me on my face.

Wake me up someone!

For "his" birthday

Today (yesterday to be precise since it's after midnight) was my dad’s birthday. I knew. My mom told me. I knew but I didn't give him anything and didn't even wish him a happy birthday... I just ignored him. Am I a bad daughter? I felt that, it won’t even come from my heart so why would I do or tell him all that crap? I won't...and I don't do things I don't feel like. I know that if I did, he would be indeed very happy but, I just didn't want to.

There are people you might see and talk to everyday, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you will be close with those people. On the other hand, there are people who you might only see once in a long while, but you might feel attached to them that easily. That's just how it is. You cannot weight or compute how much a relationship is worth. Is a 10-year relationship more valuable than a 1-day relationship? You can keep someone next to you for 10 years but that does not mean that you are both happy.

All this to say that, I might live under the same roof as my dad...but daddy and daughter is nothing but tittles like mister and madam. I can call him daddy, but I don’t know if I can actually regard him as my daddy. What kind of cold blood beast would say things like what I just wrote…I'm human too and I’m scared to regret someday, but what I just wrote is what I actually feel.

I don’t lie to myself. Sorry.

Random Day 6/4/09

Today, P came to drink with me. I didn't think he would come, but I still asked and he actually came. I want to believe that he came all the way here because he wanted to see me, but I think he just needed to talk, maybe he was sad about somethings or maybe he just wanted to fuck, which is most probable, who knows, and I'm the only one available at 4 in the morning? Maybe he really just wanted to fuck, just like all those pathetic assholes...but I'm still already very happy and I couldn't even sleep after because I had to think about every fuckin detail and then giggle by myself...I feel like a psycho! We didn't talk about anything special, nothing except penises and random crap. I guess he is a pretty easy-going person and I should take it easy too, right? Yeah...take it easy Elaine.