Recrossing paths

On accidental occasions, we see each other in our new lives but just like strangers passing by, we don't smile at each other. There are so many buried words and secrets in those moments when our eyes meet for a second or two, and then these moments are gone. It's those moments that make me doubt the perfection I have now.

Because I spent too much time grieving over the ones who left, I reminded myself to be grateful for those that remained. Because I neglected too many people in my life, I’m trying to make sure to appreciate his presence.

You showed me the depth of self-reflection that I never traversed before; a vulnerable state of liveliness that I don’t regret. But it’s because of him that I gave up the isolation of this silent paradise of agony.

I fall asleep next to him but every now and then, you slip into my dreams and just like in real life, I miss you. I miss that person I used to be as well, as much as I hate her. First time today in a long time, I didn't get out of bed. It's as if you’ve always been here sharing a part of my life. I hate you for never really disappearing as much as I love the idea of recrossing paths.

No and nothing

Skyping.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I'll come see you. I want to give you a big hug."

"No."

"Do you want to come here then?"

"I don't want to."

Seriously, our 2 hours conversation revolved around this. For the whole time, my main answers were "no, nothing and I don't want to...and I want to sleep." I was so cold to him and he was still trying. I don't think a lot of people would have this much patience with me. This guy is really dependable, maybe.

Admitting faults

Yesterday, we argued. Ok, not really. I didn't argue, I just ignored him. I don't even know what the hell he was mad for. I know he's not actually that much of a good guy; he's nice to only me. Similarly, I don't think a lot of people would describe be as a sweetheart, I'm nice to only a few.

I think he was saying something along the line that I open my legs to assholes that threaten to leave me and it's unfair to him because he's nice to me but I have to make him wait. Blah Blah Blah...

I seriously thought about just grabbing all my stuff, say "fuck that", and leave. But I didn't. I didn't because I said I'll make an effort for that guy. I cannot just leave like this everytime there's a problem, right? I have to work at them.

"Sorry, I was really insensible," he apologized, realizing he was wrong. "Please get mad at me or yell at me, don't just ignore me."

"I can't get mad at people, I don't care enough for that," I replied, staring at him with my terminator face. He always thinks that I'm a secret agent sent by the Chinese government, and I have no idea why, ha.

He felt so bad that he kept apologizing and tried everything to make me smile. He followed me to the washroom, farted, tried to put his finger in my nose, etc. I know, we're so nasty, haha. He's very persistent, which is another one of his qualities. Although I still don't quite get what he got mad for, I really appreciate the fact that he admitted his faults. That's what every responsible man should do. It doesn't make you a weaker person but contrarily, it reflects great strength.

I felt sorry too, but I couldn't say anything. I was just lying on the couch and playing with the holes of my ripped jeans.

"I wish I met you at an earlier point in your life, I would've saved a lot of pain," he said. He seems to understand me so perfectly. Everything happens for a reason; he knows I act in a certain way because of past experience and he doesn't blame it on me .This guy is great.

"...but I wouldn't be the same person you like today," I replied.

"I will fix you," he said. Okay, I know I said it many times, but this guy is so cute.

"I'm okay," I carelessly said.

"You don't think I'm serious?!" he asked.

"No matter how you feel about me right now, how perfect we are together at this moment, or how bad you mean those words you say, anything can change in two months," I said.

"Do you really have to give me an expiration date?" he asked.

"I can forget about you easily, Jonathan," I said. "I might be sad for a little while but two weeks later, I will forget about you. You will too."

"Yes, I can live just fine without you, but I would have been sad wondering what it could have been if we made a different decision, if we persisted..." he answered.

There are many things about him that I really don't like; he can get annoying, jealous, impulsive and possessive. However, when he learned about the scariest things about me, he didn't leave me. He didn't overlook my faults but instead, accepted them. I will do the same for him.

Sharx 16/4/11

Grateful

“What are you thinking about? That look in your eyes…I know you're thinking about someone and that person isn't me,” he said, worried.

I was lying on his chest, playing with his beard with the tip of my fingers, without a sound.

“Your eyes are like an open window to your soul. Although you laugh all the time, I can see pain from time to time,” he added. “Do you still love him?”

“I do,” I whispered. I knew that answer could mark the end, but I didn’t want to lie. From the look I saw in his eyes, I knew he wanted the truth too.

“What about me? If you love him then you should be after him. I don't understand why you're here,” he said.

“I don't know. There's no way that him and I can ever talk again. I really don't know about the future or whether I'll be able love that way again, but I do like you right now…”

“Sometimes I wonder whether I'm wasting my time…but I'm enjoying my time with you and you make me happy, so that means I'm not wasting my time,” he said, after a long pause.

“…maybe we will never see each other again after today,” I said, crying silently.

“Why? What's wrong?” he asked, shocked. “Tell me what’s wrong!”

"You say too many things when you're happy and caught in the moment. Eventually, you will have time to calm down and think clearly; you'll realize I'm so much trouble that you can easily find someone that gives you less headaches. When you say you might be wasting your time and that you have to be careful, I know that day will come sooner or later,” I said.

"Oh my god, is that why? I'm so stupid. Sorry, Elaine. That's not what I meant. My heart almost skipped a beat when you said we're not seeing each other again, geez. I’m so sorry. Of course I want to see you again," he said, trying to make me feel better.

"I want to go to the washroom,” I said, out of the blue.

“No, you’re not going to the washroom. This is the second time you cry in my arms, you really want to make me fall in love with you, eh?" he asked. He kissed my cheek, "Hmm, your tears are bittersweet...like literally. You like me, do you?”

“No!” I answered, rolling my eyes with a smile. “I need to go to the washroom!”

“I start to understand when no means yes, ha” he said. "No you’re not going to the washroom."

"I have to change my tampon."

"Oh, then please go,” he said. "Ah I see, you're just crying and all emotional because you're on your period, right? haha"

I went to the washroom, changed my tampon and decided to brush my teeth while I was there. Then he walks in, “Woman, you’re just done crying and now you decide to brush your teeth?” he said. “That’s so cute, I like you."

I like that he likes everything I do. He likes it when I always laugh for no reason, I laugh when he farts, I’m technology-retarded, I have an immigrant accent, I have a twisted philosophy, I hold his arms and look at him like a child...and I know it's not even that cute, but he likes it because he likes me. I never thought that would happen to me again. I hate myself for wanting to move on so badly and I’m scared to want him for the wrong reasons.

"You know, you're actually a very open person. The first time I saw you, I thought you would be a cold uptight bitch, but you turn out to be the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Although you don't say much, you laugh easily and you cry easily, and you show me that you care with all these little things you do for me. You make me happy,” he said.

That's when I’m convinced that the things we want the most might not necessarily make us happy. The problem with running after people you want is that it's very likely that you'll get consumed by the void of an unsatisfiable desire. It never ends and you eventually end up with nothing. I'd rather make an effort for people that are appropriate for me today. I’m grateful and I don’t want to make him the subject of any comparisons anymore. We’re great together.

My career starts here

I'm planning to start a business later this year or next, more info later :)

This is not one of those small men

Jonathan just asked me to be his girlfriend. Isn't he cute?! It's the first time someone asks me in such a direct way and after this short period of time.

After some grocery shopping, we were just lying around on a Sunday afternoon, talking to each other and then, "Elaine, do you want to be my girlfriend?" he asked, out of the blue.

I burst out laughing.

"It was just a joke. I just wanted to see your reaction,” he said. Then a few minutes later, "It's my grand-parent's anniversary soon, do you want to come with me?...If we're still talking by then of course," he asked.

“Aww, you don't want to look like a loner? Okay then, I'll go with you,” I answered, pretending not to know what he meant.

"Not that I will look like a loner geez, do you want to be my girlfriend?" he asked again.

I was silent, not knowing what to day. “Okay,” I finally answered.

Although, time doesn't have value in itself, I still think it's a bit fast. We’re together 5 days on 7, which is honestly a bit too much. I don’t even have time to be away and to miss him. I'm quite an independent woman and I like to spend a lot of time alone. It takes time to adapt to all these texts and calls everyday and to see the same person every so often. It just takes time for me to like someone in general.

"So you're my girlfriend now, you know what that means?" he asked. "It means you cannot have another boyfriend other than me. You have to be faithful.”

"K..." I answered.

"Don't just accept because I'm telling you. Do you want it or not?" he asked.

"Yes dude, I said it and I will do it," I answered.

I'm happy because I think I'm really lucky for being with such a good guy, even if he makes fun of my accent all the time. He introduces me to his friends, cooks for me, sends me music he composed, he's understanding and patient. Good things come over time. He said he doesn’t think I’m complicated, he likes the way I laugh all the time, he knows everything about me and he isn’t afraid of my baggage. He’s definitely not a small man if he can handle someone like me. He didn't even pressure me to have sex with him because he said he doesn't want me to hate him. It makes the process of getting to know him just that much more smooth and drama-free. “We can be physically close but mentally apart, and I don't want that. It will take time for you to heal but that’s okay, we have a lot of time ahead of us,” he said. He's really sweet. It’s too good to be true.

Yes yes, I know what y’all thinking. This will not last more than two months, and that’s what I’ve been thinking too. I almost wanted to call him when I got home to tell him that it's okay if he said things when he was caught in the moment, I'll just pretend I never heard anything. I feel bad for making him wait. He wanted to celebrate my birthday with me and I refused because, who knows if we’ll still be talking by then…

He often tells me that he has to be careful because he thinks I’m a heartbreaker. I remember he once asked me if we'll have a future. I didn’t answer him but the answer leans a bit more towards the negative side…but I don’t want to let go of such a good guy right now. Maybe I will be able to fall in love again someday?

The catch

Yesterday, I was supposed to go to Jonathan's place after my fashion show. I told him I'd finish around 8 PM but it started late so I finished at 9 PM instead. I called him and he said he didn’t eat because he was waiting for me. I was like…"Seriously? You didn’t eat because of me?...but I ate already." I can't believe someone didn't eat because they were waiting for me...

He says he never thought about someone that much after only this short amount of time. I don’t know if he’s a sweet talker or not. I’m not analyzing that much, probably because I don’t care enough yet. I do like him though. He texts me everyday and I enjoy talking to him on the phone until 2 AM. I'm kind of happy right now. It's rare that I giggle like an innocent teen just looking at someone and talking to them.

Last night, we drank some alcohol and watched Black Swan. At first, I was scared to go to his place because he asked me to sleepover, he saw my nude pictures the day before and I knew there would be alcohol involved so, it could have been the last time I see him. Finally, we shared the same bed but we actually didn’t do anything except cuddling. Patience is not a virtue of most men when it comes to sex and if a guy is actually willing to take it slow then, this guy is a catch and is worth the effort.

A dude watched The Notebook with me

I got to write about that Jonathan.

We went to take a long walk on Mont-Royal yesterday. We walked all the way to the top and then, down. That took us 4 hours.

On our way down, “Give me your hand, I want to hold it,” he asked.

“NO!” I answered, without even hesitating.

“Please?” he asked again, 10 minutes later.

“No!”

“Hands?”

“I said no!”

…he asked at least 20 times, haha. Poor guy.

Finally we held hands, walked around the cold streets of Mont-Royal until the evening and shared a crunchie.

Everything he tells me is heard before, but I really want to believe him…and actually, I do believe him. This guy keeps his words aligned with actions. Usually, when a guy invites a girl over to their place, it's to fuck them. However, he didn’t do that. I think I gave him enough hints that I didn’t want to and there's a chance we won’t see each other again if it happens. You know what we did instead? We watched The Notebook; my favourite movie! I watched that movie at least 5 times.

…okay okay, the truth is that I forced him to sit through it, hehe.

I love this movie because it reminds me of who I am and what I want underneath it all. That's the kind of love that I want. The best things in life are bittersweet. Also, that movie makes me think and I try to figure out my own life. The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; and the only thing more impossible than staying is leaving. If I were Allie, would I choose Lon or Noah? Allie chose her first love Noah, but in my case, I don’t live in a movie and I'm not playing a character. I didn't follow my heart and I'm afraid I will choose Lon and not die completely happy, to always feel like something is missing...

"Yesterday, I tried to convince you for 3 hours to hold my hand and you didn't want to...and look at you now, you can’t even keep your hands off me. I like that, there's improvement" he said.

Then he was trying to kiss me and got rejected 20 times. I don't know how he can endure me for that long. I contradict everything and obstinate all the time. When he says yes, I say no. When he says the sky is blue, I tell him it’s not exactly blue. When he looks at me I push him away and when he doesn’t look at me, I go tease him. He says I'm like a cat, which is so true.

Finally as I was leaving, he kissed me. We just left each other, walking in opposite directions...and at the moment I turned my head to look back, he looked back as well and we smiled at each other. So corny, yes.

The next day he called me, “When we looked back at each other, it was like The Notebook,” he said.

“Yark!” I answered. I’m so mean, haha.

Alcohol, dating show and drinking games

God, I had such a bad night last night!

I took my shower, brushed my teeth and put good smelling lotion on my awesome legs...which means that I was ready to go to bed. Then Yeke texted me saying he's bored and wants to go out for drinks. Maybe I'm too easy to convince but I decided to go out with him that night. So we went to the usual bar on Saint-Catherine, shared a pitcher of beer, talked about random things and it was great.

Then on our way back, "Let's go to my place, I have alcohol and we'll watch a movie..." he said.

In my head, I was like "Oh fuck no, what the hell does this dude want?! Am I thinking too much?" I was a bit tipsy and he was pushy so we ended up at his place. I know right? I'm definitely too easy to convince. He sounds so innocent and we were friendly and comfortable with each other, so I had my guards down...and I shouldn't have.

So at his place, we were drinking rum and coke, watching a Chinese dating show and playing drinking games. By the way, it was almost 5 in the morning at that point so that means I've been drinking the whole night. Obviously, I got really drunk, but just not to the point I can't recognize my mom yet.

"Move over" he said, wanting to sit next to me.

I was like...shit. I know what's going to happen next. Guess what. He tries to kiss me, duh! I pushed him away but y'know, he's stronger than I am and I was drunk, remember? So yeah, I eventually let him kiss me but then, he kept trying to pull my clothes off. What a bastard. He was really forceful and didn't stop when I told him to stop...until he realized that I was actually angry. That guy is seriously a dickhead.

...and no, nothing else happened.

"Whats going to happen to us?" he asked.

"Like what?" I replied, pretending to not know what he's talking about.

"Like...us?" he repeats.

"I don't fuckin know. I'm drunk!" I said, annoyed.